sketchtv.lol Search

You're tuned to the good stuff

Shop TV: Halloween Cookies

Saturday Night Live2024Season 50Episode 4
Saturday Night LiveSNL
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Shop TV hosts Rhett and Lindy struggle to stay wholesome when a Halloween baker's zombie eyeball cookies look like something else entirely.

Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube

Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

On a Spooktober edition of the Shop TV home shopping channel, prim hosts Rhett (Mikey Day) and Lindy (Heidi Gardner) welcome Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach (Michael Keaton), who is selling jumbo zombie eyeball cookies in a souvenir box. Unwrapped, the soft, pink-centered cookies look unmistakably like breasts, and Toby's enthusiastic squeezing, flavor rundown and two-for-one offer leave the hosts scrambling to keep things family friendly. They cut off crude phone-in callers, keep ordering the camera away from close-ups, and finally beg for the picture to be blurred when Toby demonstrates his special cookie glaze.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 4

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

You know, I always say, squishy is delishy.

This part here is actually red velvet.

Do those cookies come in different ethnicities?

Don't put TVMA on the screen, Odell!

Behind the scenes

The people who made it.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

The Minion-costumed camera operator Roy was played by Paul Cangialosi, one of Saturday Night Live's actual camera operators. The two off-screen phone-in callers were voiced by Michael Longfellow and Kenan Thompson, according to SNL Archives. The sketch followed the December 2023 installment Shop TV Christmas with host Adam Driver.

ScriptEnglish · 87 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:03

    Rhett

    You know, she's a nut.

  2. 00:05

    Rhett

    Hey, Shop TV shoppers, Rhett and Lindy here, and it's spooktober in the Shop TV studio, and everybody's getting silly. We got a minion running our dang camera over there. Look at that. Hey, does Drew know you got a second job there, Roy?

  3. 00:27

    Roy

    Banana.

  4. 00:28

    Oh!

  5. 00:30

    Lindy

    Oh, my gosh. Well, in the next hour, we've got spooktacular savings so good, even the ghosts will be howling.

  6. 00:38

    Speaker 1

    Mmm.

  7. 00:40

    Rhett

    Odell, what was that sound?

  8. 00:44

    Speaker 1

    Spooky moan.

  9. 00:45

    Rhett

    That was a bedroom moan, Odell.

  10. 00:47

    Lindy

    Icky.

  11. 00:48

    Rhett

    Well, our first item for sale today comes from Toby, the cookie guy, Wallet.

  12. 00:55

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Hey, Rhett, Lindy, happy cookie-ween, and happy Halloween.

  13. 00:59

    Lindy

    Oh, you're too much. But what do you got for us today?

  14. 01:03

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Well, now, I don't normally like to scare my customers. But I'll make an exception on Halloween.

  15. 01:10

    Uh-oh.

  16. 01:10

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    I'm selling a jumbo cookie that looks like a zombie eyeball.

  17. 01:15

    Lindy

    Ooh. Well, yuck and yum.

  18. 01:17

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Yeah, and it comes in this fun souvenir box right here.

  19. 01:21

    Rhett

    Ooh, look at that.

  20. 01:22

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Yeah, for a low price of guess how much? $14.99.

  21. 01:25

    Lindy

    Oh, my God.

  22. 01:25

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    What? Yeah, that's right. That's all it is.

  23. 01:27

    Rhett

    Okay, well, do you have one of these cookies unwrapped we can show the shoppers?

  24. 01:32

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    I sure do, yeah.

  25. 01:33

    Rhett

    Yummy?

  26. 01:33

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Yes, sir. Yummy.

  27. 01:35

    Lindy

    Ooh, there we go. Look at that.

  28. 01:36

    Rhett

    Oh, look at that. And that eyeball.

  29. 01:42

    Lindy

    Oh, that is so pink in the middle there.

  30. 01:45

    Rhett

    That is so pink.

  31. 01:46

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Well, it's a zombie eye. It's a zombie eye, so it's bloodshot.

  32. 01:50

    Rhett

    Yeah. I might've gone with a blue eye myself, but tell us about the flavors a little tit bit. Tell us about the flavors a little bit.

  33. 02:01

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Well, classic vanilla sponge cake, and look how soft and squishy.

  34. 02:05

    Lindy

    Oh, no. No, no, no, get off of that.

  35. 02:09

    Rhett

    Yeah, let's get off that close-up. Get off that. Widen out, Odell.

  36. 02:12

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    You know, I always say squishy is delishy.

  37. 02:15

    Lindy

    Oh! That's fun.

  38. 02:17

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Yep.

  39. 02:18

    Rhett

    I think everybody at home knows how soft it is. You can start feeling it like that.

  40. 02:22

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    And you know, I want to also say I used all organic ingredients. I mean, they look so good, people think they're fake, but they're not. They're all natural.

  41. 02:29

    Rhett

    No, I'm a big naturals guy.

  42. 02:31

    Lindy

    Oh, well, don't say it like that.

  43. 02:33

    Rhett

    Well, you know what, let's go to the phones, how about that? Caller, are you excited to order one of these zombie eyes?

  44. 02:40

    Speaker 2

    Zombie eyes? I thought that cookie was supposed to be like a delicious white woman's tit.

  45. 02:45

    Rhett

    Hang up on him!

  46. 02:47

    Lindy

    Shame on you, sir! Shame on you! Icky! Icky!

  47. 02:53

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Look, I just want to add that it's not just vanilla sponge. This part here is actually red velvet.

  48. 02:59

    Lindy

    Oh! I don't like that,

  49. 03:03

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    I'm just maybe happy to be here. The people can't look, feel that.

  50. 03:07

    Lindy

    I know, you're just being so delicate with him.

  51. 03:10

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Well, I'll be a little rougher, I'll be a little rougher.

  52. 03:12

    Oh, hey, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

  53. 03:14

    Lindy

    Camera, camera, stop going close. Okay, Toby, why don't you go ahead and tell us about the special offer you have for our Shop TV viewers?

  54. 03:21

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Well, if you order in the next hour, I'll throw in a second.

  55. 03:25

    Lindy

    Oh, I'm gonna have to,

  56. 03:26

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    oh, look at that, look at that. Look at that, look at that, right there.

  57. 03:31

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    I wanna get these things out of my mouth right now.

  58. 03:33

    Rhett

    Okay, do that, let's not do that.

  59. 03:38

    Rhett

    Okay, let's go to a caller, how about that? Caller, you on Shop TV?

  60. 03:42

    Speaker 3

    Hi there, do those cookies come in different ethnicities?

  61. 03:45

    Rhett

    Hang on, hang on.

  62. 03:48

    Lindy

    Shame on you, ew.

  63. 03:51

    Rhett

    Well, Toby, your cookies are already a hit. Says here you just got an order for 500 cookies.

  64. 03:58

    Lindy

    Wow.

  65. 03:59

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Yeah.

  66. 04:00

    Rhett

    Wow. That order comes from Pelican Bay State Prison in California.

  67. 04:05

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Oh. Thanks, fellas.

  68. 04:06

    Lindy

    Mm-hmm. Well, $14.99 for two zombie eyeball cookies.

  69. 04:10

    Rhett

    Oh, boy.

  70. 04:11

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Here. Hold that for me, would you?

  71. 04:12

    Lindy

    Of course.

  72. 04:12

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Okay. Be delicate with it if you can.

  73. 04:14

    Rhett

    All right.

  74. 04:15

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    And if you order in the next five minutes, I'm going to throw in an extra sweet treat. This is my cookie guy glaze.

  75. 04:21

    Lindy

    Oh, I don't... Okay.

  76. 04:23

    Oh, my God.

  77. 04:23

    Rhett

    Blur it. Blur it. Blur it. Blur it. Don't put TVMA on the screen, Odell.

  78. 04:35

    Lindy

    No, okay.

  79. 04:36

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    All natural. Everything's natural.

  80. 04:39

    Lindy

    Okay. Well, that was fun, Toby.

  81. 04:41

    Toby "The Cookie Guy" Wallach

    Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys.

  82. 04:43

    Lindy

    Thank you.

  83. 04:44

    Rhett

    All right. Okay. Well.

  84. 04:47

    Rhett

    Yep. We'll be back with more Shock TV spooktober deals.

  85. 04:51

    Rhett

    Yeah. You know, those cookies kind of look like yours.

  86. 04:53

    Lindy

    I know. Right?

  87. 04:55

    That's hard. That's hard? Yeah. What's going on?

The rabbit hole continues

One more couldn’t hurt.

More from across the archive.

Explore the show