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North Pole News: Killer Whale Attack
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Anchor Poppy Tinselbottom sends the North Pole News Network to Peppermint Plaza, where reporter Kirby Gigglemittens announces that killer whales broke through the ice and began eating elves. A blanket-wrapped Scottish survivor describes the carnage in graphic terms, nearly vomits on camera and refuses to let the reporter move on without a proud introduction as the one who lived. Back at the studio the holiday community reacts online, with the Easter Bunny staying silent and the Grinch gloating, until the survivor blames Santa for ignoring the thin ice and declares she will hunt the orcas herself. Santa's Workshop press secretary Poofy Sillybottom reads an unhelpful statement, including Rudolph's dimming nose, while an elf behind him mutters about being eaten, and the broadcast ends as the ground starts shaking and the whales return.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 5
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Thank you to that very shaken, very Scottish woman.
He knew the ice was thin, and he did nothing.
Today, my nose has gone from a red glow to a dim orange.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Announcer (voice)
This is a North Pole News Network special report.
- 00:03
Poppy Tinselbottom
Good evening and Merry Christmas. A chaotic scene downtown this morning as a pod of killer whales apparently broke through the ice under Peppermint Plaza. NPN's Kirby Giggle Mittens is live at the scene. Kirby?
- 00:18
Kirby Gigglemittens
Thank you, Poppy. Here's what we know for sure. According to eyewitnesses, the killer whales broke through the ice behind me and began eating elves.
- 00:31
Poppy Tinselbottom
Kirby, do we have any word on any casualties?
- 00:35
Kirby Gigglemittens
Well, no official word from Santa yet. However, we... They're all dead. The whales ate them all. Oh, I'm sorry. Miss, did you see the attack? See
- 00:44
Picklebert McCuddlepuff
it? I was in it. It was a feeding frenzy. Goddamn killer whales crashed up through the ice and started scarfing us down like goddamn nougats from a Whitman sampler. It was carnage. oh god i'm gonna bother oh
- 01:00
Kirby Gigglemittens
no oh she's gonna vomit no a pan down we don't want to see that Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, that's unfortunate okay you can come back up are you okay okay we'll we'll let you recover glad you're okay and your name
- 01:20
Picklebert McCuddlepuff
pickle butter mcuddle puff but you can call me the one who lived
- 01:25
Kirby Gigglemittens
okay well thank you to that very shaken very Scottish woman a harrowing scene here as you can see now the holiday community has taken to social media to offer sympathies on Instagram the Easter Bunny posting no words hashtag pray for the pole while on X formerly Twitter famous anti-Christmas troll, the Grinch, tauntingly posting, waiting for the death toll light, and a gif of Michael Jackson eating popcorn. Shameful, shameful, but expected behavior.
- 02:05
Picklebert McCuddlepuff
Where's Santa, I say? He knew the ice was thin, and he did nothing. And the whales will be back. And mark my words, they won't stop until they eat every last bastard in the pool.
- 02:18
Kirby Gigglemittens
Oh, okay, let's, okay. All right, all right. Now, tensions are understandably very high. Oh, I see Poofy Sillybottom, the Santa's Workshop press secretary, about to make a statement. Let's listen in.
- 02:32
Poofy Sillybottom
Good morning. Per emergency protocol, Santa and Mrs. Claus have been moved to a secure, adorable facility.
- 02:39
I would like you to be eaten by me. Someone please, thank you.
- 02:43
Poofy Sillybottom
Santa will address the poll in a televised statement this evening. I do, however, have a statement from Rudolph. Shaking as I write this. Today, my nose has gone from a red glow to a dim orange. I offer prayers, love, and light to all the families affected. North Pole strong, Rudolph.
- 03:04
Kirby Gigglemittens
Wow. Powerful, powerful words.
- 03:07
Picklebert McCuddlepuff
I'm going whale hunting. Santa's not gonna do a damn thing, so we gotta save ourselves. And once I'm done with the orcas, I'm coming for the biggest whale of all, Chris Kringle.
- 03:18
Kirby Gigglemittens
Oh, no, don't, um, the ground below us seems to be shaking. Oh, they're back for seconds, Ron. Um, I'm not exactly sure.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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