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North Pole News Report
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Anchor Rick Sugarplum throws to field reporter Donnie Chestnut outside Santa's workshop, where a fire broke out as elves fled from something no one can explain. An elf in sweatpants who refuses to give his name pushes into the shot and announces that a hungry polar bear, driven north by global warming, smashed through the electrified fence and started eating elves. While Donnie keeps waiting for official word, the eyewitness waves a severed elf leg as proof, comforts a terrified elf girl, declares Christmas canceled, scoffs at the Tooth Fairy's Instagram offer of thoughts and prayers by demanding guns instead, and cheers on a workshop elf who blames a penny-pinching Santa for never replacing the old fence. Pressed once more for his name, he grudgingly admits it is Kiddle Diddles, just as a faint sound in the distance turns out to be the bears coming back, and the broadcast cuts to static when one leaps onto the crew.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 6
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
The bears are coming for us, y'all.
Our peppermint blood is on your hands.
It don't matter what my name is!
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Announcer (voice)
This is a North Pole News special report.
- 00:05
Rick Sugarplum
Good evening. I'm Rick Sugarplum. Breaking news tonight of an incident which led to a fire at Santa's workshop in Toy Production North. Our own Donny Chestnut is live at the scene. Donny, what's going on, and will it affect Christmas?
- 00:19
Donnie Chestnut
Uh, well, Rick, what we know is there was a fire caused by a knocked-over licorice lamp as elves were fleeing the workshop, but no word yet as to what they were fleeing from. Still looking for answers here.
- 00:33
Kiddle Diddles
I saw the whole thing! I saw the whole thing! Walking back from the candy cane depot. I saw the whole thing!
- 00:38
Donnie Chestnut
Okay, looks like we have an eyewitness here. What's your name, sir?
- 00:41
Kiddle Diddles
Don't matter what my name is! I seen what happened. A polar bear got into the workshop and started eating elves! I don't know those elves, and I don't work with those elves, but those elves are gone!
- 00:50
Rick Sugarplum
Wait, hold on. Is this man saying a polar bear got inside the workshop?
- 00:55
Donnie Chestnut
Uh, yes, I believe he is. But, sir, there's an electrified fence around the perimeter.
- 01:00
Kiddle Diddles
It don't matter about no electric tri-fence. The bear came right through the fence. It looked just like Jurassic Park. It just ran through the fence. These bears are out there, and they're hungry. It cost a global warming, and they smelled that fresh elf meat and went crazy. The bears are coming for us, y'all. Ah!
- 01:16
Rick Sugarplum
Well, that is some troubling news. Any word on who might have been injured?
- 01:21
Donnie Chestnut
Well, no official casualties have been confirmed.
- 01:25
Kiddle Diddles
I'll confirm the casualties right now. Look at this leg. Look at this leg. I FOUND THIS LAYING DOWN ON THE GROUND DOWN THERE, LEFT EYES. BADGE WAS POPPING ELVES IN THEIR MOUTH LIKE SKITTLES, NOT EVEN CHEWING, SWALLOWING ELVES' HOLE, POINTING SHOES AND ALL.
- 01:38
Rick Sugarplum
Johnny. JOHNNY, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS COULD BE FAR WORSE THAN ORIGINALLY THOUGHT.
- 01:44
Donnie Chestnut
UH, AGAIN, RICK, I, UM, I DON'T WANT TO SPECULATE AS TO HOW SERIOUS IT IS WITHOUT OFFICIAL WORD.
- 01:52
Kiddle Diddles
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU. I'LL TELL YOU HOW BAD IT IS. THIS WHITE TEENAGE ELF GIRL RAN OUT HERE STRAIGHT UP TO ME, A BLACK ELF IN SWEAT PANTS, AND ASKED ME TO KEEP HER SAFE. that's how bad it is girl
- 02:05
they dead
- 02:06
Kiddle Diddles
that's what i want to know sam is supposed to be here and he's nowhere to be found christmas is canceled
- 02:13
Donnie Chestnut
no no it's not no it is not please do not announce that sir uh but thanks for the info what was your name again
- 02:19
Kiddle Diddles
it don't matter what my name is
- 02:20
Donnie Chestnut
okay well responses are already pouring in from the magical being community uh the tooth fairy via instagram moments ago wings heavy with despair this evening sending my thoughts and prayers to the North Pole some moving words there
- 02:39
Kiddle Diddles
that bitch sound crazy how about sending some guns and ammunition because there's some bear traps because more bears are coming and they eating it eating is good don't say a secret for long we're up here we defenseless and we're small we're adorable and we're chewable
- 02:53
Donnie Chestnut
okay thank you sir we are good with you a Rick here
- 02:57
Donnie Chestnut
Here comes an elf who just emerged from the workshop. Ma'am.
- 03:00
Cecily Strong
Santa knew. He knew that fence was old, and he didn't replace it because it cost 5,000 more gumdrops than he wanted. Our peppermint blood is on your hands.
- 03:11
Kiddle Diddles
Listen to this sexy-ass elf right here. When polar bears are in town, the fattest man in the North Pole is nowhere to be found. He's M.I.A. Pretty convenient, huh? Don't you think? We're just scratching at the surface at this thing. Hashtag Santa New.
- 03:26
Donnie Chestnut
Oh, don't say things like that. Thank you very much, and what is your name again?
- 03:31
Kiddle Diddles
It don't matter what my name is! It don't matter!
- 03:34
Donnie Chestnut
It does matter for our viewers, please.
- 03:36
Kiddle Diddles
All right, my name is Kittle Dittles. Now, I don't like my name. That's why I didn't want to say it.
- 03:41
Donnie Chestnut
Okay, well, thank you, Kittle Dittles. Wait, I... Rick, I think I hear something. It's very faint. I... I think it's singing.
- 03:50
Kiddle Diddles
Hey, that ain't no damn singing. It's the fans! The fans are coming back!
- 03:54
I'm back, I'm back, I'm back.
- 04:00
-♪ I'm coming back! I'm coming back!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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