Office Apology

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00
   

   Glenn

   Okay, hey, if I can get everybody's attention. Look, I know things got a little wild at last night's holiday party, but I just want to be clear, this is still an office, and we have zero tolerance for any workplace harassment.

2. 00:14
   

   Glenn

   That being said, unfortunately, we have to fire our vice president of sales, Linda Pollard.

3. 00:21

   Speaker 2

   Thank God.

4. 00:22
   

   Glenn

   And also our front desk guy, Charlie.

5. 00:25

   Speaker 2

   Aw. Not Charlie.

6. 00:28
   

   Glenn

   And if it's okay, they'd both like to come out here and formally apologize. Come on out here, guys.

7. 00:37

   Speaker 2

   Oh.

8. 00:39
   

   Linda Pollard

   Hey, guys, I guess I had a little too much to drink last night at the party and acted like an idiot.

9. 00:44
   

   Janet

   Oh, you think?

10. 00:45
    

    Linda Pollard

    Well, to Janet especially. I think I made mention of some of your past inter-office relationships in front of everybody, and that wasn't cool. I'm sorry.

11. 00:54
    

    Janet

    It was more than uncool. It was humiliating, Linda.

12. 00:57
    

    Charlie

    And just to piggyback on that there, Janet, last night after a little wine, I think I said something to you like, mm, mm, mm, mm, girl, when you gonna break old Charlie off a piece of that, too? And then I shook my head, did a little dance, told you don't you hurt nobody with that thing.

13. 01:13

    Speaker 2

    Oh, Charlie, you're so silly. Charlie, you crack me up.

14. 01:18
    

    Linda Pollard

    Right. Um, and, Amanda, I guess I upset you when I made a comment about your dress being a little short for a work event, and I'm sorry.

15. 01:26
    

    Amanda

    Oh, you guess? Well, I guess you're still a rude-ass bitch, and that's why you're getting fired.

16. 01:31

    Speaker 2

    Yeah.

17. 01:33
    

    Glenn

    Hey, hey, all right. Let's keep it clean.

18. 01:36
    

    Amanda

    Man, duh.

19. 01:37
    

    Charlie

    I saw that dress, too. And after a few of them vodkas, I think I might have said something to you like, mm, mm-mm-mm. Girl, that dress is so short, all I see is donkey and monkey. And then I did a little dance. Told you not to hurt nobody with that thang. Out of line. I stand accused.

20. 01:53
    

    Linda Pollard

    Oh, okay, Charlie, don't start now. You can't finish.

21. 01:56
    

    David

    Come on, Glenn. You can't fire Charlie. He's Charlie.

22. 02:00
    

    Glenn

    Hey, I'm not happy about this either, David, but this is above my pay grade.

23. 02:04
    

    David

    Whatever.

24. 02:05
    

    Linda Pollard

    David, I vaguely remember this, but apparently I was being really obnoxious when I kept asking where you were really from.

25. 02:12
    

    David

    Yep, and like I kept telling you, Boston, you racist.

26. 02:16
    

    Charlie

    My To man Kung Fu. Hey, Charlie.

27. 02:22
    

    Charlie

    Look at here, man. You know I had a couple of them bourbons last night, and I may be saying something to you like, eh, eh, eh, eh. If I was a gay man, your booty would be in trouble.

28. 02:32
    

    Charlie

    I'm not, so your booty all right. And then I did a little dance. I took a bow, and I said, don't you hurt nobody with that thing.

29. 02:40
    

    David

    Charlie, I really needed that today. Thank you.

30. 02:43
    

    Charlie

    Nothing but love, Kung Fu.

31. 02:45
    

    Linda Pollard

    But wait a minute. How is that not awful?

32. 02:47
    

    Jenny

    Glenn, you can't fire Charlie. It's almost Christmas.

33. 02:51
    

    Glenn

    Trust me, I did everything in my power to just fire Linda today.

34. 02:55
    

    Linda Pollard

    What?

35. 02:56
    

    Charlie

    Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, don't you worry. Maybe I can become the Grinch and bring it to your house. But instead of stealing all your presents, I'm gonna be stealing that ass, and it won't just be my heart growing three sizes. Mm! Mm!

36. 03:11
    

    Jenny

    I -"Don't let me hit nobody with that thing!" really appreciate that, Charlie.

37. 03:18
    

    Linda Pollard

    What the hell? I mean, it just feels like you guys are going way easier on him than on me.

38. 03:23
    

    Amanda

    Oh, my God. Get over yourself. It's Charlie.

39. 03:26
    

    Janet

    Yeah, he's just a sweet old man that had a little too much to drink. We all did. It was a party.

40. 03:31
    

    Linda Pollard

    But he's still drinking right now.

41. 03:34
    

    Charlie

    What, this? Oh, no. This is just a little swallow to get me straight. Bloop.

42. 03:38
    

    Linda Pollard

    This is completely unfair.

43. 03:40
    

    Charlie

    Girl, you are too fine to be so stank. Won't you slip on old Charlie like a pair of jeans?

44. 03:45
    

    Linda Pollard

    What? What? You're disgusting.

45. 03:47
    

    Amanda

    Oh, just take the compliment. Yeah, he's just being sweet.

46. 03:51
    

    Charlie

    You know what? Maybe she's right. Maybe I do go too far. Is that why I'm getting fired?

47. 03:57
    

    Glenn

    Actually, that's got nothing to do with why you're getting fired. HR says that your urine sample came back as Lipton iced tea.

48. 04:04
    

    Charlie

    -"Oh, you noticed that?"

49. 04:06
    

    Glenn

    Yeah, and you printed out pornographic pictures on the office copier and left them there.

50. 04:12
    

    Charlie

    -"All right, so it did work."

51. 04:14
    

    Glenn

    Yeah, also, a woman who identified herself as your wife spray-painted cheater on the company van, thinking it was yours.

52. 04:21
    

    Charlie

    -"Well, I guess what happens in Decatur comes back nine months later."