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Revolutionary War
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Delegates from the thirteen colonies debate independence in Philadelphia until word arrives that New England has won at Bunker Hill. The room groans, because it means more boasting from the Patriots of New England, who stroll in with coffee, brag about their winning streak and retell the battle as a sports story. A group from Philadelphia answers with its own cocky pride, food and nicknames, and the two camps trade insults about each other's cities and heroes. A weary delegate begs them both to stop, warns Philadelphia not to burn down its own city if it ever wins, and as the fans square up to fight, the delegates quietly hope both sides lose.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 12
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Boston's not even a real city. It's a college town with a fishing pier.
Just because the British don't burn your city doesn't mean you have to.
One if by land, two by your mother.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Aired in the February 3, 2018 episode (S43E13) hosted by Natalie Portman with musical guest Dua Lipa, the night before Super Bowl LII pitted the New England Patriots against the Philadelphia Eagles.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
1775. American colonists in New England are in open revolt against their British overlords. In Philadelphia, representatives of each colony meet to address the crisis.
- 00:13
Representative
Order! Order! Order! We must declare ourselves an independent nation.
- 00:19
Representative
And fight the British Army? We cannot win!
- 00:21
Representative
Yes, sir.
- 00:23
Representative
Glorious news from Boston! It seems the New Englanders have won an astounding victory over the British at a place called Bunker Hill.
- 00:32
Representative
I don't understand. Is this not welcome news?
- 00:35
Representative
No, it is. It's just that now we have to hear the boasting from the patriots of New England. And
- 00:42
Patriot
Oh! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! We are back to cheat again!
- 00:51
Patriot
We are the patriots of New England, and we are unstoppable! Yeah!
- 00:57
Patriot
Do we even know how to lose? No!
- 01:01
Patriot
Dynasty, that's the one you're looking for dynasty.
- 01:06
Patriot
That's just how we do it in Massachusetts, kids.
- 01:09
Patriot
And Connecticut was there, too.
- 01:12
Patriot
Yeah, sure, a bit. But we're number one! Number one!
- 01:18
Representative
I recognize that New England wins battles, but must they be so obnoxious about it?
- 01:22
Representative
Treadfully annoying. Frankly, I'm willing to lose this whole war if it means not seeing them win again.
- 01:28
Representative
New Englanders, are you drinking beer? This is not a public house.
- 01:32
Patriot
I'm not, kid. This is coffee from Dunkin'.
- 01:35
Patriot
The best. Hey, Dunkin', thanks. It's good, right? I feel like I should, like, it should go like a sweet bread. Like a very sweet...
- 01:44
Representative
Well, I, for one, applaud you New England Patriots on your many victories.
- 01:49
Patriot
What's up?
- 01:50
Patriot
Many? Many victories? Try five, boss. Five.
- 01:54
Patriot
Yeah, we won them all! French and Indian War! Won it! King Philip's War! Killed it! Lexington! Concord! Crushed it! And now, Bunker Hill! The best one yet, kid!
- 02:07
Patriot
Oh, oh, oh, tell him the story.
- 02:09
Patriot
Alright.
- 02:10
Patriot
Oh, God, here we go.
- 02:13
Patriot
Okay, it was insane, bro. The British got, like, 50 ships, okay? We get pushed back way behind our line, like 40 yards. I see. Okay, but our guy, Captain Thomas Brady, ah... He's got, like, the best cannon, and, boom, we come back like we always do. It was wicked sick. Wicked.
- 02:36
Representative
Wonderful. It's always lovely to hear another story about Thomas Brady. Now...
- 02:42
Patriot
-"Thomas Brady's like a machine. We're all machines. We're New England." Yeah. -"We eat the most lobsters." -"And we got the most rocks in our soil. So, how you like us now?"
- 02:55
Representative
Yes, yes. Well, congratulations again. But I'm sure others would fight just as bravely if given the chance.
- 03:00
Patriot
Oh, yeah? What? Oh, yeah, we won!
- 03:18
Representative
The delegation from Philadelphia.
- 03:21
Philadelphian
Yeah, how yous doing? We crossed many waters up the Schuylkill River to give you all yous a message. Philly's mad strong. From the little babies to all our ma-moms and pop-pops, we's ready to fight!
- 03:33
Philadelphian
Yeah.
- 03:34
Philadelphian
We'll whip a horseshoe at their head and send the British home.
- 03:38
Philadelphian
So grease up them poles, because Philly's gonna win, and then one of these guys is gonna punch a police horse.
- 03:45
Philadelphian
-"Yeah, we's a bunch of rowdy Quakers."
- 03:47
Representative
-"Sir, you're from Philadelphia?"
- 03:51
Philadelphian
-"Yeah, West Philadelphia. Born and raised."
- 03:54
Representative
-"I admire your spirit, Philadelphia, but you don't exactly have a history of winning battles like New England does."
- 04:03
Philadelphian
-"Yeah, well, that was then. This is now, okay? Call us to Eagles, because we're ready to fly."
- 04:09
Philadelphian
Fly, Eagles, fly!
- 04:11
Representative
-"The eagles"?
- 04:13
Philadelphian
-"Yeah, and like eagles, we Philadelphians are swift, we are deadly, and our eyes are all a little too close together.
- 04:21
Philadelphian
-"Yeah, and we got the best food."
- 04:23
Philadelphian
-"Yeah, hand me that, Charlie. Hand me that. I brought venison hoagies, porridge-stuffed peppers, and corn fritters from Wawa. Wawa. Wawa's an Indian lady that lives just outside of Conchahoga.
- 04:37
Patriot
Philadelphia, please. You got no chance, kid.
- 04:39
Patriot
Yeah! Let New England handle this, you skeezer!
- 04:43
Philadelphian
Oh, go home, New England.
- 04:45
Philadelphian
Yeah, and can I tell you something about your precious captain, Thomas Brady? He's old, okay? He's like 40. That's four years past life expectancy.
- 04:54
Patriot
No, sir! You take that back, sir! You take that back!
- 04:57
Philadelphian
Nuh-uh, nuh-uh. Boston's not even a real city. It's a college town with a fishing pier.
- 05:01
Patriot
Oh, yeah? Uh, Talk to us when you win one, numbnuts.
- 05:07
Representative
All right. All right. All right.
- 05:11
Representative
Patriots of New England, you have truly achieved remarkable success. But I believe I speak for this entire chamber when I say, just shut up. Shut up! Yes, you have won in the past, but by no means does that guarantee future victory. And, Philadelphians, you are overdue for victory, and I wish you all the best in your upcoming battle. But if you do win, please, be cool, okay? Just because the British don't burn your city doesn't mean you have to. Do we have an understanding?
- 05:43
Patriot
Nope.
- 05:44
Philadelphian
Yeah, we're the best. You know it.
- 05:46
Patriot
Yeah, because New England brings the pain.
- 05:49
Patriot
And Connecticut, too.
- 05:51
Philadelphian
Oh, you trying to get beat tonight? We don't need the British. We can settle this outside right now.
- 05:56
Patriot
Oh, good with me. Come on. One if by land, two by your mother.
- 06:03
Representative
They are the worst. Is there any way they both could lose? God, let's hope so.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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