Visit with Santa Cold Open

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:02
   

   Amy

   Okay, okay, kiddos, Santa's back from his lunch break up. He's back from at the North Pole, a.k.a. Panda Express. That's right, and he's ready to hear your Christmas wishes.

2. 00:18
   

   Santa Claus

   Ho, ho, ho!

3. 00:19
   

   Amy

   Hey, what about you, my little boy? Are you ready to talk to Santa?

4. 00:23

   Speaker 1

   Yeah!

5. 00:23
   

   Santa Claus

   All right. Well, get on up here, young man. What's your name?

6. 00:27

   Speaker 1

   Tyler.

7. 00:27
   

   Santa Claus

   And, Tyler, where would you like Santa to bring you this year?

8. 00:30

   Speaker 1

   Could I get a Mega Bloks dinosaur?

9. 00:33
   

   Santa Claus

   Well, I think that can be arranged.

10. 00:35

    Speaker 1

    And could I get laser tag?

11. 00:36
    

    Santa Claus

    Well, I can certainly try.

12. 00:38

    Speaker 1

    And can you tell me, what did Al Franken do?

13. 00:42
    

    Santa Claus

    Okay, wow, um, let's see. I think I can handle the Mega Bloks and the laser tag. Can you take the Al Franken thing, sugarplum?

14. 00:52
    

    Amy

    No. And in this climate, can you just call me Amy?

15. 00:57
    

    Santa Claus

    Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Okay, well, Tyler, I guess you could say that Al Franken is on Santa's naughty list this year.

16. 01:04

    Speaker 1

    And what about Roy Moore? Which list is he on?

17. 01:09
    

    Amy

    It's not really a list. It's more of a registry.

18. 01:12
    

    Santa Claus

    Okay, you know what? We should keep this line moving along. Okay, ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas, Tyler. Okay, who's up next?

19. 01:19

    Speaker 2

    Hi, Santa. I'm Jessica.

20. 01:21
    

    Santa Claus

    Merry Christmas, Jessica. What would you like from Santa?

21. 01:24

    Speaker 2

    I wanted to follow up on Tyler's question. Is President Trump on the naughty list?

22. 01:30
    

    Santa Claus

    Well, you know, Santa tries to stay out of political matters. Our president may have said or done a few naughty things.

23. 01:37
    

    Amy

    19 accusers. Google it.

24. 01:39
    

    Santa Claus

    Okay, can we not? Can we just not, Amy? Thanks.

25. 01:42
    

    Santa Claus

    Uh, look, Jessica, I'm sure we can all learn a lesson from what's going on in the news.

26. 01:47

    Speaker 2

    We sure can. I learned that if you admit you did something wrong, you get in trouble. But if you deny it, they let you keep your job.

27. 01:57
    

    Santa Claus

    Well, okay, well, did you know, careful there, Jessica, or you might get some coal in your stocking.

28. 02:02

    Speaker 2

    From where? We both know coal is a dying industry.

29. 02:07
    

    Santa Claus

    Okay, thank you very much. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. All right. Okay, hello.

30. 02:13

    Speaker 3

    Hi, Santa. My name is Billy, and I want a football.

31. 02:16
    

    Santa Claus

    Well, you got it, Billy. I love football.

32. 02:20

    Speaker 3

    But why do the players kneel during the national anthem? Do they hit the troops?

33. 02:24
    

    Amy

    No, they're just kneeling because they're tired from all the brain injuries

34. 02:30
    

    Santa Claus

    You know what? Sure, let's just go with that. Somehow that's the happier version. All right, Merry Christmas, Billy. Oh, Parker! Yeah, right to the hospital. All right. Hello. Hello. Hello.

35. 02:44

    Speaker 4

    Hi, Santa. I already asked my dad for an American Girl doll.

36. 02:48
    

    Santa Claus

    Well, that sounds like fun.

37. 02:49

    Speaker 4

    But my dad says he can't afford any presents until the tax cut trickles down from the wealthiest 1%.

38. 02:56
    

    Santa Claus

    Well, you know, that's economics. Santa didn't study economics. He, um, he studied musical theater, which is perhaps why he's working as a Santa at this mall right now.

39. 03:07

    Speaker 4

    And I heard the new tax bill will add a trillion dollars to the national debt. Is that naughty?

40. 03:14
    

    Santa Claus

    Well, you know, I'm sure they're just trying to make things friendlier for businesses.

41. 03:19
    

    Amy

    Actually, Santa, thanks to that much-needed tax cut, this little ray of sunshine is gonna be forking over her Social Security checks to the Chinese. And if she thinks she's getting Medicare, ooh, she is out of her little mind.

42. 03:34
    

    Santa Claus

    Wow, classic libertarian response. Oh, you know what? Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for coming. Good for you, and now you. Next. Oh, how about you? Aren't you cute? What do you want for Christmas?

43. 03:44

    Speaker 5

    Hi, Santa. I want a Barbie. Unless the feminazis are gonna take that away from me, too.

44. 03:49
    

    Santa Claus

    Okay, Barbie, you got it. That's good. Let's, uh... See you later. And, kids, you know, just a reminder to keep your wishes light and Christmassy and not political, okay? All right.

45. 04:00

    Speaker 6

    That's good, because I hate politics.

46. 04:02
    

    Santa Claus

    Oh, thank the Lord.

47. 04:03

    Speaker 6

    Instead, I want to talk about opioids.

48. 04:05
    

    Santa Claus

    Nope, you're done. Thank you very much. Next. All right, my Lord, you're cute. What would you like for Christmas?

49. 04:12

    Speaker 7

    An embassy that is still in Tel Aviv.

50. 04:14
    

    Santa Claus

    How do you know about Tel Aviv? Thank you very much. You're done. Next.

51. 04:18
    

    Santa Claus

    Hey, what about you? Maybe you'd like a toy from Santa.

52. 04:21

    Speaker 8

    Oh, you mean toy like the one Matt Lauer gave to his coworker?

53. 04:26
    

    Santa Claus

    Oh, damn. You know what? You know what, earmuffs, earmuffs, where the hell they get these kids from?

54. 04:34
    

    Santa Claus

    I never thought I'd say this, but I think our public schools are too good. OK, earmuffs off. I'm getting you an Xbox. Merry Christmas.

55. 04:42

    Speaker 8

    Xbox? Awesome!

56. 04:43
    

    Amy

    More factory jobs for Chinese kids.

57. 04:46
    

    Santa Claus

    Whoa! Okay! All right, dear. You know what? I think Santa might need another break. This one might involve a cigarette. Uh.

58. 04:54

    Speaker 9

    Santa?

59. 04:55
    

    Santa Claus

    Oh, yes, little girl. What's your name?

60. 04:57

    Speaker 9

    Jenny. And, Santa, I don't want any gifts this year. I just want everything to be okay.

61. 05:03
    

    Santa Claus

    Oh, my goodness. Okay, Jenny. Jenny, listen to me. I know that things seem particularly insane right now. You know, like, truly mind-bendingly insane. And we seem to have lost all perspective on what's naughty or nice.

62. 05:17

    Speaker 9

    I know. I've seen Fox News.

63. 05:19
    

    Santa Claus

    Oh, there you go. But as bad as things might seem, I promise you, Jenny, it will be okay, okay? Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for another three years, 42 days and 24 minutes, Jenny, but most people in America are good people, and eventually, good people will fix our country.

64. 05:40

    Speaker 9

    Okay, good. But just in case, I'm putting all my money in Bitcoin.

65. 05:45
    

    Santa Claus

    Oh, yes. That's the spirit. Now, do you remember what Santa always says?

66. 05:50

    Speaker 9

    Yes.

67. 05:51
    

    Santa Claus

    Do you want to say it with me?

68. 05:52

    Speaker 9

    Okay.

69. 05:53
    

    Santa Claus

    Merry Christmas, and live from New York, it's Saturday night!