The U.S. Men's Heterosexual Figure Skating Championship

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:02

   Live from Boston, it's the U.S. Men's Heterosexual Figure Skating Championship.

2. 00:13
   

   Scott Hamilton

   Good evening, I'm Scott Hamilton, here with Tara Lipinski.

3. 00:18

   We're two weeks away from the Sochi Olympics, and there's already been a lot of controversy around Vladimir Putin and his anti-gay policies. Many athletes are rightly upset, with a few organizations even demanding a boycott. So, in case of any last-minute problems, the U.S. Committee has decided to put together a B-Squad of less talented, but undeniably heterosexual figure skaters.

4. 00:41

   On the ice now is our first competitor, TJ Davenport. TJ looking confident. Wearing a very comfortable Jets jersey and cargo pants. Let's see if he's Olympic caliber. Oh, wow! Starting with air guitar right off the top. A lot of attitude there. Thumbs up to his buddies. TJ's getting ready for his first jump. Does he go with the triple axel?

5. 01:04

   No, no, it's a small bunny hop and he nails it. TJ feeling good. Telling the crowd to suck it. All right, now coming up is his big combo, and.

6. 01:20

   No, I'm sorry, he has a bag of combos and he's eating that.

7. 01:26

   Coming up on the part of the routine here where TJ makes fun of gay skaters. TJ likes to call this move the Frisco Swish. Look at him swing. Oh, it threw him off balance and TJ's down. He looks hurt!

8. 01:41
   

   Scott Hamilton

   I think he might have fallen on his keys, Tara.

9. 01:43

   Okay, there you have it. That And

10. 01:51
    

    Tara Lipinski

    would you say that was a good routine, Scott?

11. 01:53
    

    Scott Hamilton

    Well, I'd have to say no. But you'll have to ask our judges, Tim Allen, Tom Arnold, and Gary Bababooey-Delabate.

12. 02:00

    Our next heterosexual skater hails from Long Beach, California, Malcolm Barnes. From Oh, Alka, I'm getting a little help Nate Dogg and Warren G. Letting the anticipation build here.

13. 02:15

    Ooh, and he's off. A cautious start from Malcolm. He does not want to fall.

14. 02:24
    

    Scott Hamilton

    You know, Tara, Malcolm asked me before the competition if he could wear, quote, regular shoes.

15. 02:29

    Here's his first trick. He's going to weave through these three cones.

16. 02:34

    And it looks like he decided to go right through them. That man's shaking his cone, and it's Owen. He is down. Wow, not even attempting to get back up. Looks like he's going with the booty scooch. He's signaling for someone, and here comes his little cousin to help him off the ice. Oh, playing on the judge's emotional heartstrings, an impressive finish for the Californian.

17. 02:57

    For And now a change of pace, a heterosexual pairs team. We have AutoZone employee Dino McMillan skating with his favorite Applebee's waitress, Shannon. Let's see how they do. Oh, and Dino very handsy from the get-go. Oh, Shannon, she breaks away, but he's coming for her.

18. 03:21

    Oh, but he swings wide. Dino's still going after her. And now it looks like he's showing us what he'd do if he'd get those breasts in his hands.

19. 03:32

    Oh, doing air hugs. He's a man that knows what he wants. And, uh-oh, oh, no, McMillan pulling up short. Looks like he might have pulled something. Maybe hurt? Oh, Shannon's skidding over to see if he's all right. Oh, we'd love to see that. Oh, no! It's a trick! He's not hurt! He just wanted a smooch. Um, and it looks like he's pulling away here now.

20. 03:52

    Uh, oh! I guess he's taking a bit of a break. Uh, maybe a little winded. Reaching out to some of his friends, check on how he's doing. No, he's going for the upskirt!

21. 04:02

    Eddie Jansen! And he's sending it to his buddies, a triumphant moment.

22. 04:08

    That's all for heterosexual figure skating. And live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live!