Sump'n Claus

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:03
   

   Jay Pharoah

   Oh, what up, man? How was the concert?

2. 00:06
   

   Pete Davidson

   Sucked. I mean, my buddies got busted for drinking in the parking lot. Santa's not bringing me anything this year.

3. 00:11
   

   Jay Pharoah

   Aw, don't worry about it, man. You always get a visit from something-claws.

4. 00:15
   

   Pete Davidson

   Who's that?

5. 00:18
   

   Sump'n Claus

   Yeah.

6. 00:19

   Everybody getting something. Everybody getting something.

7. 00:23
   

   Sump'n Claus

   Sheila

8. 00:25

   Everybody's been naughty, everybody's got flaws If you've been caught, stop saying those words Here comes something close

9. 00:33
   

   Sump'n Claus

   What's a girl named had a man with a van. They were supposed to go to dinner, but he had other plans. He was domineering. Tried to take her diamond earrings. Said that she was profiteering Soon he would be disappearing She got mad, was on fire Took a knife, slashed his tires Put a fork on Richard Pryor Santa said, you know you're like a qualifier But you know what I say

10. 01:02

    Everybody's gettin' something Everybody's a

11. 01:06
    

    Sump'n Claus

    -comin' bout some new toys I give cash White envelopes filled with twenties Sometimes fifties Cash! And where am I gettin' this cash? Hey man, we don't need to talk about that

12. 01:18

    Everybody hates up to you, everybody's got flaws If you've been crossed off Santa's list, here comes something more

13. 01:25
    

    Sump'n Claus

    Here's a story about Marcus, hates working for the man. Works super long hours, does everything he can. One day he had all he could handle, threw a fit and caused a scandal, broke his computer into shambles. The mess he made was quite substantial. Got fired, got arrested, got thrown out, though he protested. Santa said, man, you've been rejected. But you know what I say,

14. 01:49

    everybody's getting something. Everybody's getting something.

15. 01:54
    

    Sump'n Claus

    Oh, you're sweating Santa being mad at you? What, you thought y'all was friends? He sees you when you're sleeping. That's weird. I'm gonna tell you a little secret letter. He hit somebody with that slate. Don't like to talk about it.

16. 02:08

    Everybody's been naughty

17. 02:09
    

    Sump'n Claus

    Long time ago, I used to work for Santa up at the North Pole. Hey, I was working at my station. Mrs. Claus started a conversation. Both of us felt a sweet sensation. So we agreed on recreation. Brought me inside, made some cocoa She served me pumpkin risotto Santa walked in and said, that's a no-no But you know what I say

18. 02:42

    Everybody's gettin' something everybody's getting something everybody's been naughty everybody's got flaws if you've been crossed off santa's list here comes something man

19. 02:54
    

    Sump'n Claus

    i'm talking about everybody justin bieber getting something paula dean getting something Donald Stein didn't suffer Sean Knight didn't suffer Kevin Bacon didn't suffer

20. 03:11
    

    Sasheer Zamata

    wrong with Devin Bacon?

21. 03:12
    

    Sump'n Claus

    Oh, nothing. He's just my homie.

22. 03:15

    Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

23. 03:27
    

    Sump'n Claus

    Go ahead. Be naughty. I got you.