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Santa's Workshop

Saturday Night Live 2013 Season 39 Episode 8

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A newly slim Santa returns to the North Pole with a glamorous new friend and a list of strict diet rules, and his elves decide they have had enough.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Santa comes back from a few months at a spa, announces he has dropped a huge amount of weight and proudly shows off his new body, his motorcycle hobby and his personal trainer. The elves are alarmed, and more so when he introduces Candice, a bartender he met at a grocery store. After a round of awkward flirting and a failed attempt to get the elves to cheer for her, Santa snaps at his staff, confesses he is miserable on his liquid diet and lays down new workshop rules, including a ban on candy and on children sitting on his lap. When he starts rhapsodizing about lean meat and names reindeer, the elves turn on him.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 8

Paul RuddHost

Santa

Highly quotable.

Who let the air out of Santa?

Well, tough tinsel.

You know what one of the leanest meats is? Reindeer.

ScriptEnglish · 40 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:00
Elf
Now we're all excited, but let's settle, all right?
00:05
Elf
Happy holidays!
00:06
Elf
It's who's ready to make some toys making toys is my jam!
00:14
Elf
We can't wait to see Santa!
00:17
Elf
Yeah, we even missed him!
00:19
Elf
Well, Santa has spent the last few months of his downtime at a spa, and he has lost 150 pounds! Please welcome the new and improved Santa Claus!
00:32
Santa
Hey, hey, good to see you all. Oh, what do you think? I feel amazing. Is
00:39
Elf
Wow, who let the air out of Santa?
00:43
Elf
Um, what is that tub dancing?
00:48
Santa
Could you believe I used to wear these? Now I use them to cover my Harley.
00:54
Elf
What the Keebler's fudge?
00:56
Elf
Santa's life is different. What happened to his ho, ho, ho?
00:59
Santa
You know what? I just, I knew I needed to make better choices and it paid off. And then my friend Michelle got me exercising and voila. I'm talking about my good friend, Michelle Obama. Obama. Hey, check out these glutes, huh? You could crack a tooth on this bumper.
01:14
Elf
I don't want to bite Santa's butt.
01:17
Elf
You look weird.
01:20
Santa
Alright, You know, I don't mean this in a hateful way, but an elf telling me I look weird is pretty priceless because you guys look like dog toys.
01:30
Santa
Alright, you know what, sorry. I'm in a bit of a weird mood. My blood sugar is plummeting.
01:36
Elf
Where's Mrs. Claus?
01:39
Santa
Well, actually Mrs. Claus and I are taking a break. So I'd like to introduce you to my My new friend, Candice.
01:46
Candice
Hi. Hi, you guys.
01:49
Elf
Oh, well, there's his ho-ho-ho right there.
01:54
Santa
You know, I met Candice at Whole Foods, and we just really clicked. I'm teaching him how to hip hop dance.
02:01
Elf
That's so fun.
02:02
Santa
Yeah.
02:03
Elf
Oh, that's great.
02:06
Santa
Yeah, no, she's teaching me a lot. Yeah, if you know what I mean.
02:10
Elf
We don't want to know what you mean.
02:13
Santa
Candice, you want to say something to the gang?
02:15
Candice
um well it was it was weird because like I am a bartender at Chili's okay and like we realized that I bring margaritas to people that they ask for and like he does sort of the same thing with presents so like actually she is really funny you should see her imitate a sexy chicken
02:37
Santa
yeah that's great too
02:38
Elf
They don't want to do it.
02:39
Santa
No, yeah, yeah, they do. They do. Come on, do it. Do it.
02:41
Candice
I could do me too. Ow! Ow!
02:50
Elf
What has happened to you? You've changed. And it sticks like a parking lot diaper. All you care about now is yourself.
03:00
Elf
Salvage!
03:02
Santa
All right. All right. All right. You know what? Jolly St. Nick wasn't exactly jolly. You know why I always said ho, ho, ho? It's because I was trying to say help, but I couldn't breathe because of my day apnea. and you know what this is no picnic either I've been on a liquid diet for four months I take pellet dumps like a sheep and I'm not in a mood for your judgy little freaky faces I'm Santa I make the rules so here are the rules alright
03:31
Santa
one no candy if I find if I find candy I will kill you with your own tiny hammer two no kids on my lap alright I have no more cushioning around the South So it's very uncomfortable for fat kids to sit on my junk.
03:48
Santa
Here's Santa say, my junk. Well, tough tinsel. Also, the only toys you guys are going to be making are Easy Bake Juicers and Pilates Barbie. Now get to work.
04:02
Santa
Look, look, look. I'm just... I'm trying to be healthier, you know? Cut the carbs, high protein. You know what one of the leanest meats is? Reindeer.
04:12
Elf
He's gonna make butts and jerky! Let's tear him apart!