You're tuned to the good stuff
America's First Colonists: Stonetown
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
A solemn History Channel narrator introduces the lost Stonetown colony, founded alongside Jamestown by John Stone. In the swamp-bound settlement, the anxious Joseph warns that the crops are dying and the colony will perish, only for the easygoing Stone to return with exciting news about a mellow new plant he learned about from the neighboring tribe. Planting it brightens everyone's mood, but the settlers soon spend their days playing hacky sack with a pouch, strumming an invisible lute and planning a three-day music festival while Joseph begs them to prepare for winter. As the colony runs out of food, the settlers order delivery, a man in a feathered headdress arrives and asks who is constantly stroking, and the narrator closes by pointing to an enigmatic stone inscription as the key to the colony's fate.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 8
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
No, man, it's better. Way better.
We have a three-day music festival this weekend, guys.
It's an air lute, man.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Part of the October 6, 2007 episode (S33E2) hosted by Seth Rogen with musical guest Spoon.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:02
You're watching the History Channel, which probably means you're not that happy with the present. Jamestown, Virginia. Settled 400 years ago, it was the first permanent English settlement in the United States. But recently, the existence of another fell colony has been discovered, founded at the same time, by this man, John Stone. Why did Jamestown survive and Stonetown perish? Tonight, we uncover the answers on America's First Colonists.
- 00:33
Joseph
We live in a swamp. Disease abounds. Our crops are withered. We're going to perish in this godless land.
- 00:41
Colonist
I understand your alarm, good Joseph, and I assure you as soon as John Stone returns, he shall have an answer for us.
- 00:49
John Stone
Everybody, what's up, man? What's up, guys?
- 00:55
Colonist
John Stone.
- 00:57
Joseph
Johnstone, where have you been? Your reckless leadership has this colony on the brink of ruin.
- 01:01
John Stone
Look, look, I know I haven't been the best leader, but I have some awesome news. Last night, I met some Indians, very mellow, and they showed me this crop that we could grow, and I'll be honest, it's a pretty good crop.
- 01:18
Colonist
You smoke it!
- 01:20
Joseph
You think tobacco?
- 01:22
John Stone
No, man, it's better. Way better.
- 01:25
Colonist
And you think we can grow it here?
- 01:27
John Stone
I know I'm gonna grow it here.
- 01:29
And so the colonists went to work planting their crop. The once sullen mood was brightened, And for a time, the colonists had hope.
- 01:42
Colonist
So, uh, what's this invention of yours?
- 01:44
John Stone
Okay, it's a sack. And there's seeds in it. And you hack it around with your feet so it doesn't touch the ground.
- 01:51
Colonist
A sack you hack. Amazing.
- 01:56
John Stone
I just think it's, like, a great way to waste a day, man.
- 01:59
Joseph
I must speak. Ever since you planted that cursed crop, every day has been wasted. We need to prepare for the winter. We need to plan for the future.
- 02:07
John Stone
We are planning for the future. We have a three-day music festival this weekend, guys.
- 02:12
Colonist
Yeah!
- 02:13
Joseph
Music festival? We need to think about protecting ourselves.
- 02:17
John Stone
Relax, relax. We have guns.
- 02:21
Colonist
These guns?
- 02:22
Colonist
Spark I'm trying to spark it. It won't spark.
- 02:28
John Stone
You guys are geniuses.
- 02:33
And so winter approached. But save for a few in the colony, no one seemed to notice.
- 02:47
Colonist
Oh, ye hath no lute, yet you play as if ye hath one.
- 02:52
John Stone
It's an air lute, man.
- 02:56
Colonist
Hey, uh, can I get a dime, sir?
- 02:57
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem. Appreciate that.
- 03:03
Joseph
I've just come from the larder. I have just come the larder, we hath runneth out of food.
- 03:10
John Stone
Don't worry. Don't worry. We ordered out.
- 03:17
Delivery. Yes. Indian food.
- 03:23
Native American Delivery Man
Which one of you is Constance Lee stroking?
- 03:26
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
- 03:27
John Stone
Guilty!
- 03:30
Colonist
I didn't pee my pants.
- 03:31
The Stonetown colony remains a mystery, though many scholars believe the answer may lie in this mysterious inscription. What we do know is that John Stone deserves his place in history as America's first colonist.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from Saturday Night Live.
