Two A-Holes Buying a Christmas Tree

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:01

   Speaker 1

   And now, two a-holes buying a Christmas tree.

2. 00:06
   

   Tree Salesman

   There you go. Thank you very much. Hello there. You two need any help?

3. 00:14
   

   Male A-Hole

   Yeah, we want to get a tree. What kind you got?

4. 00:16
   

   Tree Salesman

   I got lots of different kinds, my man. What kind you looking for?

5. 00:18
   

   Male A-Hole

   What kind of tree you want, babe?

6. 00:20
   

   Female A-Hole

   I don't care.

7. 00:20
   

   Male A-Hole

   We don't care.

8. 00:21
   

   Tree Salesman

   Okay, well, we got Douglas firs. They're very popular.

9. 00:24
   

   Male A-Hole

   What do you think, babe?

10. 00:25
    

    Female A-Hole

    About what?

11. 00:26
    

    Male A-Hole

    The tree.

12. 00:26
    

    Female A-Hole

    The what?

13. 00:27
    

    Male A-Hole

    The tree.

14. 00:29
    

    Female A-Hole

    Do you guys have hot chocolate?

15. 00:30
    

    Male A-Hole

    You guys got hot chocolate?

16. 00:32
    

    Tree Salesman

    Uh, no.

17. 00:33
    

    Male A-Hole

    They don't, babe.

18. 00:36
    

    Female A-Hole

    Shouldn't you be telling us about the trees?

19. 00:37
    

    Male A-Hole

    Yeah, what other trees you got?

20. 00:39
    

    Tree Salesman

    Uh, you ever heard of scotch pines?

21. 00:41
    

    Male A-Hole

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know those. I know about those. You know about those, babe? You know scotch pine?

22. 00:50
    

    Male A-Hole

    you heard You heard about those, right, babe?

23. 01:01
    

    Male A-Hole

    Scotch pines?

24. 01:03
    

    Female A-Hole

    Yeah.

25. 01:04
    

    Male A-Hole

    Yeah, we know those.

26. 01:04
    

    Tree Salesman

    Okay, would you like one?

27. 01:06
    

    Male A-Hole

    I want to get one, babe.

28. 01:07
    

    Female A-Hole

    Where's your bathroom?

29. 01:08
    

    Male A-Hole

    You guys got a bathroom?

30. 01:09
    

    Tree Salesman

    No, no, we don't. There's one across the street at the Starbucks.

31. 01:11
    

    Male A-Hole

    All right, you want to go over there, babe?

32. 01:13
    

    Female A-Hole

    I want a big tree.

33. 01:14
    

    Male A-Hole

    You guys got big trees?

34. 01:15
    

    Tree Salesman

    Yeah, we got trees up to 12 feet.

35. 01:16
    

    Male A-Hole

    All right, how big a tree you want, babe?

36. 01:19
    

    Female A-Hole

    Less big.

37. 01:20
    

    Male A-Hole

    I want something like that.

38. 01:20
    

    Tree Salesman

    Okay, well, that's not very big.

39. 01:22
    

    Female A-Hole

    It's bigger than that.

40. 01:23
    

    Tree Salesman

    Okay, so you want a two-foot Christmas tree?

41. 01:26
    

    Female A-Hole

    What street are we on?

42. 01:27
    

    Male A-Hole

    Yeah, where are we?

43. 01:28
    

    Tree Salesman

    Look, why don't you guys just look around, grab me when you find something you like, okay?

44. 01:33
    

    Female A-Hole

    I know what I want.

45. 01:34
    

    Male A-Hole

    Hey, dude, we got it. What do you want, babe?

46. 01:36
    

    Female A-Hole

    I changed my mind. I do want a big tree.

47. 01:38
    

    Tree Salesman

    Fine, how big? Seven, nine, 11 feet, what?

48. 01:41
    

    Female A-Hole

    50.

49. 01:43
    

    Tree Salesman

    You want a 50-foot tree?

50. 01:45
    

    Male A-Hole

    Yeah, we'll take a 50-foot tree.

51. 01:46
    

    Tree Salesman

    Dude, we don't sell 50-foot trees.

52. 01:48
    

    Male A-Hole

    All right, they're out of them, babe. Huh? When are you getting more, huh? Tuesday?

53. 01:51
    

    Tree Salesman

    No.

54. 01:52
    

    Male A-Hole

    Probably Thursday, right?

55. 01:52
    

    Tree Salesman

    No, never. We don't sell 50-foot trees. Look, it's closing time. I'm tired. You're obviously doing... You don't know what you want. Why don't you just come back when you make up your mind, okay?

56. 02:02
    

    Female A-Hole

    I want that one.

57. 02:04
    

    Tree Salesman

    Which one?

58. 02:04
    

    Male A-Hole

    Which one, babe?

59. 02:05
    

    Female A-Hole

    That one.

60. 02:07
    

    Tree Salesman

    That's a street lamp.

61. 02:11
    

    Female A-Hole

    I know. I wanna...

62. 02:13
    

    Male A-Hole

    Yeah, we'll take it. How much?

63. 02:13
    

    Tree Salesman

    Get out of here. Get the hell out of here!

64. 02:16
    

    Male A-Hole

    All right, we gotta get out of here, babe.

65. 02:18
    

    Female A-Hole

    Can I use your computer? I need to check my email.

66. 02:19
    

    Male A-Hole

    You guys got internet?

67. 02:20
    

    Tree Salesman

    Leave!

68. 02:22
    

    Female A-Hole

    Make me a smoothie.

69. 02:23
    

    Tree Salesman

    Fine. You know what? I'll leave.

70. 02:26
    

    Female A-Hole

    You look like a rabbit.

71. 02:28
    

    Male A-Hole

    Yeah.

72. 02:30
    

    Male A-Hole

    You hungry, babe?

73. 02:31
    

    Female A-Hole

    Yeah.

74. 02:31
    

    Male A-Hole

    All right.

75. 02:33
    

    Male A-Hole

    Hey.

76. 02:33
    

    Hot Dog Vendor

    Hey.

77. 02:34
    

    Male A-Hole

    Two dogs.

78. 02:36
    

    Hot Dog Vendor

    $4. Anything else?

79. 02:37
    

    Male A-Hole

    Anything else, babe?

80. 02:38
    

    Female A-Hole

    50-foot Christmas tree.

81. 02:39
    

    Male A-Hole

    50-foot tree.

82. 02:41
    

    Hot Dog Vendor

    I just sell hot dogs.

83. 02:44
    

    Male A-Hole

    You look like a rabbi.

84. 03:13

    Speaker 2

    watching.