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Matt Foley: Van Down By The River
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
After the cleaning lady finds a bag of pot in the family room, Ted (Phil Hartman) and Ellen (Julia Sweeney) call a family meeting and surprise their teenagers Brian (David Spade) and Stacy (Christina Applegate) with a hired motivational speaker, Matt Foley (Chris Farley), who has spent hours drinking coffee in the basement. Foley bursts upstairs, introduces himself as a 35-year-old divorced man who lives in a van down by the river, and warns the kids they are headed for the same fate. He sneers at Brian's wish to become a writer, snaps at Ted for defending him and decides the only cure is to move in as the kids' constant buddy, then tumbles onto the coffee table and smashes it. Horrified, Brian and Stacy swear off pot for good, and when Foley steps out to fetch his gear, Ted locks the door behind him and the shaken family huddles in a group hug.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 5
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river!
Dad, I wish you could just shut your big yapper!
I want to live in a van down by the river.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
This was Matt Foley's first appearance on Saturday Night Live. Bob Odenkirk conceived the character, which Chris Farley performed at The Second City before joining SNL and named after one of his Marquette University rugby teammates.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Brian
Hey, Mom, Dad.
- 00:01
Ted
Brian, Stacey, your mother Ellen and I are so glad you decided to join us for this family communication session.
- 00:10
Stacy
So, what's up? You guys getting divorced or something?
- 00:13
Ellen
No, we just wanted the family to talk as a group.
- 00:17
Brian
Okay, well, let's get it started then.
- 00:20
Ellen
All right, well, Stacey, Brian, your father Ted and I are a little bit concerned. Celia, the cleaning lady, was in the family room and she found a bag of pot.
- 00:32
Brian
She didn't smoke it, did she?
- 00:36
Ted
No, she didn't smoke it. Now, we're not here to come down on you. I mean, that's not what we're about, okay?
- 00:46
Ellen
We're just concerned that pot could lead to other things. Crack, ice, boom, pow.
- 00:52
Ellen
But we know you don't want to hear this from us.
- 00:54
Ted
Sure, I mean, we're your parents. Who wants to hear this stuff from their parents, eh?
- 00:59
Ellen
Your father and I came up with a brilliant idea to give you kids some direction.
- 01:03
Ted
A motivational speaker.
- 01:06
Ellen
Yeah, one of those guys who speaks to big groups at high schools and churches.
- 01:11
Brian
You mean to come to the house?
- 01:13
Ellen
Uh-huh.
- 01:14
Stacy
Yeah, right.
- 01:15
Brian
Yeah, all right, later.
- 01:16
Ted
Hey, hey, hey, come on, you guys. This is setting me back a few bucks. Okay, his name is Matt Foley. now he's been down in the basement drinking coffee for about the last four hours and he should be all ready to go I'll call him up Matt Matt we're ready for you his speech is called go for it now he's used to big groups so make him feel like there's a crowd here all right
- 01:49
Matt Foley
All how's everybody good good good now Now is your father probably told you my name is Matt Foley and I am a motivational speaker
- 02:06
Matt Foley
now let's get started by letting me give you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about first off I am 35 years old I am divorced and I live in a van down by the river
- 02:26
Matt Foley
now Now you kids are probably saying to yourselves hey hey, I'm going to go out and I'm going to get the world by the tail and wrap it around and pull it down and put it in my pocket.
- 02:40
Matt Foley
Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably going to find out as you go out there that you're not going to amount to jack squat. You're going to end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river.
- 03:04
Matt Foley
now young man what do you want to do with your life
- 03:07
Brian
I actually mad I kind of want to be a writer
- 03:13
Matt Foley
well hey dad We got ourselves a writer here! Hey, I can't see real good is that Bill Shakespeare over there
- 03:24
Ted
well actually Matt Ellen and I have encouraged Brian in his writing
- 03:29
Matt Foley
dad I wish you could just shut your big yapper now Now, I wonder, from what I've heard, you're using your paper not for writing, but for rolling doobies. You're gonna be doing a lot of doobie rolling when you're living in, van down by the river.
- 04:02
Matt Foley
young lady, what do you want to do with your life?
- 04:05
Stacy
I want to live in a van down by the river.
- 04:09
Matt Foley
Well, you'll have plenty of time living in a van down by the river when you're living in a van down by the river.
- 04:17
Matt Foley
now You're you kids are probably asking yourselves, hey, Matt, how can we get back on the right track? Well, as I see it, there is only one solution, and that is for me to get my gear, move it on in here, because I'm going to bunk with you, buddy.
- 04:40
Matt Foley
We're going to be buddies. We're going to be pals. We're going to wrestle our asses. Old Matt's going to be your shadow. Here's you, here's Matt. There's you, there's...
- 04:53
Matt Foley
Ups Whoops-a-daisy. Ups-a-daisy.
- 05:02
Matt Foley
By God. I'm going to have to clean that up later. Me and my buddies. My pals, my amigos. I'm going to get my gear.
- 05:13
Brian
Wait, yeah, Matt, you don't have to go.
- 05:15
Stacy
Matt, you don't have to do that. We'll never smoke pot again.
- 05:19
Ted
Matt, thanks for all you've done.
- 05:21
Matt Foley
I don't give a rat's behind because I'm moving in. I'm sick and tired of living in a van down by the river.
- 05:28
Ellen
is Is the back door locked?
- 05:38
Ted
Yes.
- 05:39
Brian
We love you, Dad.
- 05:40
Ted
I love you, too.
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