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Motivational Santa
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
A mall manager rolls out a special holiday attraction for kids who have been behaving badly: Matt Foley in a Santa suit. Instead of cheer, he opens with his divorce and his van down by the river, then tells the children that presents never come and Santa is a myth. A mother objects, the kids question his beard, and he answers with insults before reciting a holiday story that turns into his own sad life. The manager threatens to withhold the rest of his fee, so Foley promises a grand chimney entrance, flings himself around the set and wrecks it, leaving the manager to hand him the bill.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I live at the North Pole in a van down by the river.
Is that Ben Matlock?
Just send the bill to Matt Foley.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Matt Foley moonlights as a mall Santa in the December 11, 1993 episode hosted by Sally Field, with musical guest Tony! Toni! Tone!.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:04
We want Santa! We want Santa! We want Santa!
- 00:12
Mall Manager
Santa is coming, but first I want everyone's attention. This year we're going to do things a little differently here at the mall. We're all a little concerned by the way young people in this town have been turning out. That's why today we've got a very special Santa Claus for you. Now he's been downstairs in the Au Bon Pain drinking espresso for the last four hours, so let's give Santa a warm welcome. Come on!
- 00:39
Matt Foley
I'm Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Now my name is Matt not bullying myself and I am a motivational stand-up. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. so that you'll know where I'm coming from. First off, I am 35 years old. I am rice divorced. and I live at the North Pole, and a van down by the river. I want a super morphing Power Ranger. I want a Power Well, you do, do you? My son Jason is just crazy about that show. Well, whoop-de-freaking-doo! It's all about presents to you kids, isn't it? You all want to wake up Christmas morning Run down to the tree at light speed But you You grab the biggest package that you can't You tear it open, you pop hand in, and you pull out a dream come true. Well, that's it. Well, I got news for you kids In the real world, you hang up a stocking The next morning, you find it filled to the brim With Jack Because You don't know why, because they're Santa Claus
- 02:20
Sir, sir, you're ruining Christmas for all the kids. They love Santa.
- 02:27
Matt Foley
Mom, I wish you could be Santa's little helper and shut your damn cake hole. Heck, everybody wants to marry holly jolly Christmas. Hey, look at me. I'm covered in helpers. Yee-hoo! A-rum-pa-bum-bum.
- 02:50
you don't even look like santa claus Hey, beard, and you're way too fat!
- 02:57
Matt Foley
Oh, my golly. Hey, Rudolph, help me out here. I can't see real good. We got some kind of detective over there. Is that Ben Matlock?
- 03:08
Now, wait. You leave my son alone, please.
- 03:11
Matt Foley
Hey, you know what? I think it's time for old Matt to tell you a little story. Gather around, kiddies. All righty here. Let's see. It was the night before Christmas, and all through the van your old buddy Matt fell asleep on the can. His children were nestled two time zones away with his first wife and her husband in sunny LA. Matt woke up and realized with a chill and a quiver than he was living in a van down by... river.
- 04:00
Mall Manager
Listen, you are scaring people. Now, you better start acting like Santa Claus right now, or we're not gonna pay you the other 45 bucks. End of story.
- 04:12
Matt Foley
Hey. Hey, kids. You know what? Santa's got a little treat for you. You kids, I'm gonna slide down that chimney and give presents to everybody. How do you like them apples?
- 04:27
Yay!
- 04:30
Matt Foley
All righty. Old Matt's gonna prove that with a little bit of PMA, positive mental attitude, you can do just about anything. You gotta reach beyond your grasp. Now a lot of times what you kids are gonna want to do is...
- 04:58
Mall Manager
Hold on, Chief. Listen, Matt. You're gonna have to pay for these damages.
- 05:02
Matt Foley
Well, that's no problem anymore. I'll just send the bill to Matt Foley. Caravan down by the river!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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