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The Olympia Restaurant: Guard Dogs
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
In the middle of another loud lunch rush at the Greek diner where every order is cheeseburger, chips and Pepsi, a bespectacled man from a guard-dog leasing company sits down at the counter to pitch Pete on a night watchman with teeth. While the salesman works out a price on his pad, Pete decides the dog will replace the busboy Nico, hands the unpleasant firing job to anyone but himself, and shoves Nico out the door. Nico peers back in through the window as Pete and the salesman bargain from fifty-five dollars down to a twenty-dollar offer that goes nowhere. The salesman storms out, Pete lets Nico back in, and the diner returns to its familiar routine, including a fussy customer who learns that her broiled hamburger is a cheeseburger.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 9
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Nobody can come in here between those hours without getting his arm bit off.
We don't feed 'em much, keeps 'em perky.
No Coke. Pepsi.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Don Novello
Writer
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:09
Sandy Dionasopolis
cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger
- 00:11
George Dionasopolis
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.
- 00:13
Sandy Dionasopolis
Three chips, three Pepsi.
- 00:14
Nico Dionasopolis
Three chips, three Pepsi.
- 00:16
Pete Dionasopolis
Okay, what are you going to have, honey?
- 00:17
Regular Customer
I think I'll have the usual, Pete.
- 00:19
Pete Dionasopolis
Cheeseburger.
- 00:20
George Dionasopolis
Cheeseburger.
- 00:22
Pete Dionasopolis
Chip.
- 00:23
Nico Dionasopolis
Chip.
- 00:23
Pete Dionasopolis
Pepsi.
- 00:24
Nico Dionasopolis
Pepsi.
- 00:25
Male Customer
Hey, I think I'll have a refill on this coffee, okay?
- 00:28
Pete Dionasopolis
No.
- 00:29
Male Customer
Pete, man, I can't have a refill of coffee, man.
- 00:31
Pete Dionasopolis
It's too late.
- 00:32
Regular Customer
You should ask for the refill while you were still eating the cheeseburger. They don't give refills when you're done eating.
- 00:38
Male Customer
Okay, I'll pay for the second cup of coffee.
- 00:41
Pete Dionasopolis
No, go, come on, I gotta have to turn it over, come on, let's go.
- 00:44
Male Customer
Hey, man, I just want to read the article.
- 00:45
Pete Dionasopolis
You want to read? You want the library, you want to read? Get out of here. Take that. Come on.
- 00:51
Sandy Dionasopolis
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger.
- 00:52
George Dionasopolis
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger.
- 00:53
Sandy Dionasopolis
Two cheese, two Pepsi.
- 00:54
Nico Dionasopolis
Two cheese, two Pepsi.
- 00:56
Pete Dionasopolis
Okay, what are you gonna have?
- 00:57
Fussy Eater
Um, I'll have a fried egg sandwich.
- 01:00
Pete Dionasopolis
Uh, no egg cheeseburger.
- 01:02
Fussy Eater
How do you cook your cheeseburgers?
- 01:04
Pete Dionasopolis
Good.
- 01:04
Fussy Eater
No, I mean, in what manner are they cooked?
- 01:07
Pete Dionasopolis
They are cooked good, what do you mean?
- 01:09
Sandy Dionasopolis
Ah, Pete, that lamb in the basement is loose again.
- 01:17
Fussy Eater
Excuse me, do you just have burgers here? Well, do you think I could get one broiled? I could? Oh, good, because I just read an article that said that meat cooked on a grill causes cancer. Did you read that?
- 01:31
Nico Dionasopolis
Cheeseburger?
- 01:31
Fussy Eater
Yeah, cheeseburgers, too. It's cooking the meat too close to the flame that causes it.
- 01:36
Pete Dionasopolis
Come on, let's go. Get out. What are you going to have?
- 01:39
Fussy Eater
I'll have a broiled hamburger.
- 01:41
Pete Dionasopolis
My hamburger cheeseburgers,
- 01:43
Fussy Eater
but I get it broiled you
- 01:45
Pete Dionasopolis
want a broil Okay, sure. We give you a bra. All right. Okay.
- 01:50
Fussy Eater
I'll have a broiled hamburger. Well done
- 01:51
Pete Dionasopolis
Hey, Cheap or gay!
- 01:57
Al
hiya, I'm Al from render Doberman, but I am from Lease a Doberman. Ah Ah, the guard dog company. Somebody here called, said they wanted to rent a guard dog.
- 02:10
Pete Dionasopolis
How much?
- 02:11
Al
Well, it's like I tried to tell you on the phone. It depends on the type of dog you want, how many hours per night you want him for. I should think a place like this would need only one dog. Well, what time do you close?
- 02:23
Pete Dionasopolis
11 o'clock.
- 02:23
Al
What time do you open?
- 02:24
Pete Dionasopolis
5.
- 02:25
Al
Well, we could drop a dog off at 11, pick him up at quarter to 5. But just remember, nobody can come in here between those hours without getting his arm bit off.
- 02:35
Pete Dionasopolis
How much?
- 02:36
Al
Just a minute. I'll figure it out.
- 02:38
Pete Dionasopolis
All right.
- 02:38
Regular Customer
Hey, uh, Pete, doesn't, uh, Nico here sleep in the back?
- 02:43
Al
Oh, oh, oh, oh, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Nobody's gonna be able to sleep around no hungry Dobie. We don't feed him much. Keeps him perky.
- 02:51
Pete Dionasopolis
All right. Somebody broke in next door. I need protection here, you know?
- 02:55
Sandy Dionasopolis
But, Pete, what about Nico?
- 02:57
Pete Dionasopolis
Who's afraid of him? I need protection. Dogs.
- 03:00
Sandy Dionasopolis
You mean when a dog comes, you're going to fire Nico?
- 03:03
Pete Dionasopolis
No. Huh? Now?
- 03:05
Sandy Dionasopolis
Oh, who's going to tell him he's fired?
- 03:07
Pete Dionasopolis
You. You tell him.
- 03:08
Sandy Dionasopolis
No, not me.
- 03:11
Pete Dionasopolis
Hey, George. I want you to tell him he's fired.
- 03:15
George Dionasopolis
No, no, not me, Pete. Not me, Pete.
- 03:18
Pete Dionasopolis
All right, all right. I'll tell him. You're fired. Goodbye. Goodbye. Adieu. Goodbye. You're fired. Bye. Bye, bye, bye. All right. Now we stop. Hmm?
- 03:32
Al
Huh?
- 03:33
Pete Dionasopolis
How much?
- 03:34
Al
Ah, $55 a week.
- 03:36
Pete Dionasopolis
$20.
- 03:37
Al
No, no, $55 is the lowest I can charge you. We'd be making a special pickup at that time of the morning.
- 03:42
Pete Dionasopolis
Come on.
- 03:46
Al
Well, maybe there is something I can do. All right. Now, I got a couple of nine-month-old German shepherds I'm having some problems with. I'll put them both in here. I'll only charge you $45.
- 03:58
Pete Dionasopolis
$20.
- 03:58
Al
No, there's no way I can put two dogs in here for $20 a week. it cost me that much just to feed them
- 04:02
Pete Dionasopolis
uh 22.
- 04:05
Al
all right look i'm sorry 45 is the absolute minimum price if you change your mind here's my card
- 04:11
Pete Dionasopolis
nico come on come on all All right. right everything all right huh you got it
- 04:26
Fussy Eater
hey wait this cheeseburger wasn't broiled i just saw him take it off the grill
- 04:32
Pete Dionasopolis
What to drink
- 04:33
Fussy Eater
I ordered a broiled hamburger. This is not a broiled ham.
- 04:36
Pete Dionasopolis
Okay. Okay. What do you want to drink? Come on. Come on. Come on.
- 04:38
Fussy Eater
Right if I order a coke, I'll get a Pepsi.
- 04:40
Pete Dionasopolis
No coke Pepsi.
- 04:41
Fussy Eater
Okay,
- 04:41
Pete Dionasopolis
Pepsi
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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