Lifeboat

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00
   

   Todd Linder Flohman

   Eight days have passed since the hurricane sank our cruise ship in the waters off the Florida Keys. We are the only survivors. Derlin Whittier, his high school girlfriend, Shawna Munson, Tammy Munson, Shawna's mother and Derlin's secret lover who is having his baby, and one member of my studio audience, and me, Todd Linder Floman. Since that day, I've wondered if we ever should have taken my talk show out to sea for a week of shows about relationships.

2. 00:30
   

   Todd Linder Flohman

   We are out of food and fresh water and cannot last long. All right, whose shift is it? Darlene, I think it's yours. Here, take the flare. I'm going to try to grab some shut-eye.

3. 00:48
   

   Shawna Munson

   So cold and hungry.

4. 00:50
   

   Tammy Munson

   We're all hungry.

5. 00:51
   

   Shawna Munson

   Don't you be putting words in my mouth.

6. 00:52
   

   Tammy Munson

   I'll put words wherever I want.

7. 00:54
   

   Todd Linder Flohman

   Ladies, please, save your energy. Don't go there, please.

8. 00:59

   Why you always got to exactly...

9. 01:01

   Don't be yelling in my ear. Don't be yelling in my ear.

10. 01:04
    

    Tammy Munson

    I got his baby in there.

11. 01:05
    

    Shawna Munson

    How do you know it's his baby?

12. 01:06

    Because it's not mine.

13. 01:07
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    All right, then. Hey, then let's do something.

14. 01:13
    

    Derlin Whittier

    Sean, baby, I love you, okay? But I'm also in love with your mama.

15. 01:21

    Which is... I have some respect to you.

16. 01:24
    

    Tammy Munson

    He loves me.

17. 01:24
    

    Shawna Munson

    Yeah. I know.

18. 01:29
    

    Studio audience member

    Todd, Todd, Todd. Can I say something?

19. 01:32
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    Of course you can, sure.

20. 01:35
    

    Studio audience member

    Yeah, I just want to say that she, the one with the T-shirt.

21. 01:39
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    Shauna.

22. 01:40
    

    Studio audience member

    Yeah, she needs to respect her mama.

23. 01:42
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    Okay.

24. 01:42
    

    Studio audience member

    And then the one that's her mother.

25. 01:45
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    Tamara.

26. 01:46
    

    Studio audience member

    Yeah, you need to respect the baby because life is precious and God and the Bible. Man, you should be looking for lights and not starting fights. And all y'all, including me, ought to be figuring out how we're going to live without fresh water.

27. 02:12
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    Thank you. Those are some good thoughts. We should all remember how precious life is. Derlin, you look like you have something to say.

28. 02:27
    

    Derlin Whittier

    Shauna, sweet pea, I love you, okay? But I have something I have to tell you, okay? Tammy, you are having my baby. And I'm prideful and honorable that Tammy Would you be my wife and marry me?

29. 02:49
    

    Tammy Munson

    Oh?

30. 02:50
    

    Derlin Whittier

    I asked as a lady of the manor engagement brooch and a box of cherry-covered chocolates

31. 02:57

    This is

32. 03:25
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    Fabian he was darling super secret lover, and he was a surprise guest on our show Fabian where where have you been

33. 03:33
    

    Fabian

    I was on an island

34. 03:36

    They're rightfully mine! Goddammit!

35. 03:38
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    What island? You tell me! This could save us all!

36. 03:42
    

    Fabian

    I ain't saving no Mr. Three-Timing Ho of the Universe! Get your...

37. 03:46
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    Now, shut up! Get your head together! Get your head together! Tell me about this island!

38. 03:52
    

    Fabian

    Okay, um, I was eating a coconut.

39. 03:55
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    Okay, so there's food there.

40. 03:56
    

    Fabian

    And I saw him float by with them two nasty-ass, white trash stank bitches!

41. 04:02

    Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

42. 04:05
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    Stand up! Tell me where this island is or you're a dead man!

43. 04:09
    

    Fabian

    Well, Darlene should have thought about that before you went from playing me like a fool.

44. 04:13
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    God damn it! You stupid, petty, prince-looking, no-island-remembering motherfucker!

45. 04:28

    Don't!

46. 04:28
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    Jesus Christ!

47. 04:33

    What's she looking at, turning away?

48. 04:36
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    Well, there it is. I guess if you think about it, we all live on a lifeboat. It's important to prioritize. What seems important in a trailer park might seem frivolous when facing certain death at sea.

49. 04:56
    

    Derlin Whittier

    Who you talking to?

50. 04:59
    

    Todd Linder Flohman

    We all have to learn to listen to each other, remember the location of islands with food and fresh water, and try to forgive ourselves for squandering the precious gift of life. I'm Todd Linder-Floman. That's probably my final thought.

51. 05:19
    

    Derlin Whittier

    Yep, probably gonna die. I knew, man. I knew I'd never make it to 30, because I'm a wild man, because I party. Heaven better look out for me. Hell yeah, St. Peter-looking motherfucker, let me in! Before I die, I'm gonna fuck me a fish. that's probably my final thought