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Britney Thanksgiving
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
On the MADtv stage, Britney Spears (Nicole Parker) announces she is divorcing Kevin Federline but admits the holidays have made her sentimental, so she shares a camcorder tape of the couple's previous Thanksgiving. In the footage she lays out candy-studded appetizers and assembles a stuffing from onions, corn nuts, raisins, ice cream and glitter, while K-Fed (Ike Barinholtz) plugs his album, presses his face into the lens and keeps making crude passes at her. The evening slides into drunken roughhousing, and the turkey is ruined when Britney discovers she left a load of underwear drying in the oven. Back in the studio, Federline barges onstage to win her back; when she sends him away, he insists he is a rap star and starts a rap that collapses into pleading with her for money.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I got so upset, y'all, I couldn't chew my gum.
And then my super-secret ingredient: a spit's worth of glitter.
Yo, I came to win you back, you moron!
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Aired in November 2006, the same month Spears filed for divorce from Federline, a split the sketch's opening addresses; Federline's widely panned debut album, Playing with Fire, had come out weeks earlier.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Britney Spears
Hi, y'all! Thanks, y'all! Okay, as y'all know, I finally decided to ask K-Fed for a divorce. Yeah! I'm And y'all, I know that K-Fed's real a little bummed out about it because we were one whole punch away at TGIFs to get a free sizzling meat and cheese fondito.
- 00:20
Britney Spears
Which he can't get now because of my prenup. I'm Yay!
- 00:26
Britney Spears
But y'all, y'all hang on. Y'all bring it a little bummed down, y'all, because I'm going to tell you right now, because it's the holidays, I'm getting a little sentimental. I'm starting to miss him. Like, I got out an old videotape last night of our Thanksgiving from last year, and I got so upset, y'all, I couldn't chew my gum.
- 00:41
Britney Spears
I couldn't chew my gum, y'all. That's sad. Just please take a look and look at how much in love we were. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all! I wanted to show all y'all our Thanksgiving because this year I did everything by myself.
- 00:58
Kevin Federline
Yo, I would have loved to have helped, but I've been busy promoting my new album, Horrible, in stores now. Yo, plus I had some airport problems. Yo, they found lots of drugs up in my behind, but too bad they didn't check my medicine case. Oh!
- 01:12
Kevin Federline
What's up? THIS IS WHAT I'M THANKFUL FOR, AMERICA. BABY!
- 01:17
Britney Spears
SO, FIRST OFF, IT'S APPARTEASERS. YAY! ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE JALAPENO POPPERS, GUMBALL CORN BREAD.
- 01:25
Kevin Federline
KICK IT.
- 01:25
Britney Spears
YUMMY. AND WE HAVE DEEP-FRIED REESE'S CUPS.
- 01:30
Kevin Federline
OLD SCHOOL.
- 01:30
Britney Spears
AND DON'T FORGET THE PUNKIN' NUGGETS.
- 01:33
Kevin Federline
UH-HUH. PUNKIN' NUGGETS, ALL THE BUSINESS.
- 01:36
Britney Spears
ALL RIGHT. GOTTA GET A PUNKIN' NUGGET.
- 01:41
Every
- 01:44
Britney Spears
all right but the most important part of day, as everybody knows, is the bird.
- 01:49
Kevin Federline
Yo, what's up? The bird! Baby!
- 01:52
Britney Spears
Now, be a goofball, okay? Now, here's the bird, and it's all buttered up and ready to pop. Baby, put your pants back on.
- 02:01
Kevin Federline
I'm sorry, idiot, but you're making me crazy horny.
- 02:04
Britney Spears
So here's my special recipe for stuffing. First, get a bowl. Second, one bag of onions.
- 02:13
Britney Spears
This much corn nuts. Less than that amount of raisins.
- 02:20
Kevin Federline
Mmm. Salty.
- 02:22
Britney Spears
And then a plop of ice cream. It's messy.
- 02:27
Kevin Federline
I'll make you messy.
- 02:29
Britney Spears
They should call it messy. And then my super-secret ingredient, a spit's worth of glitter. Yay!
- 02:37
Kevin Federline
Oh, snap. It smells like November up in this bitch.
- 02:41
Britney Spears
And, man, what you got to do is you got to get the bird nice and hot.
- 02:45
Kevin Federline
Yeah, then why don't you sit on that thing, Bit-Bit? Come here. You know what, man? You're making my blood boil, you stupid idiot! Come here! Come here. Come here. Don't move. Don't move your stupid tongue.
- 02:59
Britney Spears
Okay. I love it when you teach me how to do lovin'.
- 03:04
Kevin Federline
That's right. That's a trick I learned in Oakland.
- 03:06
Britney Spears
What's that funny smell, Kevian?
- 03:08
Kevin Federline
That's called crack. Word!
- 03:12
Britney Spears
Look, I'm a... I'm a funny intruder.
- 03:16
Kevin Federline
I'ma punch you in the face.
- 03:17
Britney Spears
I'm so drunk, baby! Baby, I'm so drunk!
- 03:21
And
- 03:22
Britney Spears
Hi, y'all. Y'all, we had sort of a problem here, okay? Because what happened is earlier I turned on the oven to get it all hot like, and I forgot that I left a load of panties in there to dry.
- 03:41
Britney Spears
Oopsies. So I don't set fire to my cooking room.
- 03:44
Kevin Federline
Yo, it wasn't as hot as my new single, Herp Alert! It's hitting the internet like a biatch! November 22nd.
- 03:51
Britney Spears
I gotta be strong. I gotta be real, real strong. I just gotta...
- 03:56
Kevin Federline
Yo, what's up, player, hater, betrayer?
- 04:03
Britney Spears
Kevin! What are you doing in Mad TV land?
- 04:06
Kevin Federline
Yo, I came to win you back, you moron! Come on, bitty! Let's go home, get some BK, Eat that in the bathtub like the old days?
- 04:16
Britney Spears
Kimmy, stop being so romantic. This is hard for me. Oh, God. No, no. no, Kevin, Kevin, I can't. My, my.
- 04:29
Kevin Federline
Fuck, get out of here. I don't even need you anyway. No, I yeah, yeah No, no, no, no, no, no, no Oh, no
- 04:37
Kevin Federline
I don't even need her anyway. You know why? Because I am a rap star. Yo, yo, yo, yo. Y'all want to hear me rap? Y'all hear me? Y'all keep it.
- 04:47
Kevin Federline
Yeah, I'm a hustler about making money. Damn. I need some money.
- 04:54
Kevin Federline
I'm in trouble. Britney, I need money! I need money!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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