Coach Hines: Ice Cream Parlor

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:02
   

   Coach Hines

   Okay, who's next?

2. 00:14
   

   Yamanashi

   Coach Hines?

3. 00:15
   

   Coach Hines

   Yeah, yeah. Oh, jeepers. For the love of a goat nut!

4. 00:26
   

   Jeff DeShazer

   Hey, yo, coach, what are you doing here?

5. 00:28
   

   Coach Hines

   I work here. I'm working. What does it look like, your moronic squat job, huh?

6. 00:33
   

   Yamanashi

   Is this your after-school job?

7. 00:35
   

   Coach Hines

   What if it is, Yamanashi? What if it is, Yamanashi? What if it is my after-school job? What if coaching you dumb pug muckers doesn't pay all my expenses, huh? What then, Chief? Huh? What then?

8. 00:51
   

   Jeff DeShazer

   Expenses? What expenses? You wear the same outfit every day.

9. 00:56

   Yeah, all right, huh? Yeah.

10. 00:58
    

    Coach Hines

    Well, I got expenses, DeShazer. I'm going to have to hire somebody to mop up your remains after I rip out your sigmoid colon and turn it into a rectal smoothie. How about that? How about that, DeShazer?

11. 01:11
    

    Store Manager

    Is everything going okay here, Sandy?

12. 01:14
    

    Coach Hines

    Mm-hmm, everything's peachy keen, sir.

13. 01:17
    

    Yamanashi

    Oh, Sandy, that's your first name, Sandy?

14. 01:22
    

    Coach Hines

    It stands for Sandoval, Yamanashi. Sandoval, which translates for, if you call me Sandy again, I'm going to cut your body in half with a hubcap.

15. 01:34
    

    Store Manager

    Don't forget to tell them about the new flavor.

16. 01:37
    

    Coach Hines

    Okay, well, you know what, there, it's on the board there, so they can read it, sir.

17. 01:41
    

    Store Manager

    Uh-uh, it's company policy, Sandy. You got to say it, too.

18. 01:47
    

    Coach Hines

    Do you guys care to sample the fruit and toots, big booty, frosted berry blast with your choice of two creamy, dreamy, supreme, tremendo toppings?

19. 02:02
    

    Ice cream shop patron

    Here's a tip.

20. 02:03
    

    Store Manager

    Thank you.

21. 02:04

    A tip there.

22. 02:05
    

    Store Manager

    Thank you for that. Oh, one scoop, two scoop chocolate chip. Thank you for the dollar tip. Now here is a tip for you. You eat ice cream and you won't feel blue.

23. 02:17
    

    Coach Hines

    That's great. That's great. Well done, sir.

24. 02:20

    What's that all about?

25. 02:22
    

    Store Manager

    Oh, that's company policy here. You know, if you tip your server, he'll sing for you.

26. 02:28

    Okay. Oh, thank you very much.

27. 02:31
    

    Coach Hines

    If you two port-a-coles even get near that thought, I will kill you. And I won't be creative about it. I'm just going to take you out in broad daylight, like shooting the back of the head and pay the consequences.

28. 02:48
    

    Coach Hines

    Yamanashi? Yamanashi? Don't you dare put that tip in there.

29. 02:52
    

    Jeff DeShazer

    Do it, Yamanashi.

30. 02:52
    

    Coach Hines

    Don't do it, Yamanashi. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it, Yamanashi. I swear, don't put it in there, Yamanashi. Don't put it. Now, stop. Yamanashi, just stop it.

31. 03:05
    

    Jeff DeShazer

    Yamanashi, do it.

32. 03:08
    

    Coach Hines

    Yamanashi, don't do it. Don't you do it.

33. 03:10
    

    Jeff DeShazer

    Do it, Yamanashi.

34. 03:11
    

    Coach Hines

    Yamanashi, if you...

35. 03:12
    

    Store Manager

    Oh, wow. There, Sandy.

36. 03:16
    

    Store Manager

    I certainly did. You know what that means?

37. 03:18
    

    Coach Hines

    Oh, yeah, sir. I do. I do. Vanilla chocolate. Jamocha peanut. Banana nut toboggan. If you tear up another dollar, you can rob my shiny noggin.

38. 03:41
    

    Store Manager

    Bravo.

39. 03:44
    

    Coach Hines

    Okay, that's enough. That's enough there. That's enough. Let's get some sprinkles on there. That's enough. Okay, you two, hit the bricks. Hit the bricks.

40. 03:50

    Oh, man. Oh, man. Thank you. Mm.

41. 03:53
    

    Jeff DeShazer

    Yo, you know what? I want to hear another song.

42. 03:55
    

    Coach Hines

    Oh, you want to hear another song?

43. 03:56
    

    Jeff DeShazer

    Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to hear another song.

44. 03:57
    

    Coach Hines

    Is that what you want to hear, DeShazer?

45. 03:58
    

    Jeff DeShazer

    Yeah.

46. 03:58

    Oh, here's a tip.

47. 03:59
    

    Coach Hines

    Another song for me, huh?

48. 04:01
    

    Jeff DeShazer

    Yeah.

49. 04:01
    

    Coach Hines

    Okay, DeShazer. Let's sing another song. Jeff DeShazer and Yamanashi wanted ice cream, they said. I gave them chocolate, but for the sprinkles, I used laxatives instead. How about that?

50. 04:18

    Oh!

51. 04:19
    

    Coach Hines

    Yeah, there you go. You know, fast acting on you, baby, fast acting. Where you guys going? You didn't finish your ice cream here, guys. Where you going?