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Angela: Canadian Cousin
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Speaking to her social studies teacher on camera, Angela Wright offers a homemade video in place of the F she received for a paper claiming that football causes eating disorders in girls. Her test subject is her supremely self-assured cousin Natalie, visiting from Canada, whom Angela sends over to the Bowie Junior High football team expecting a barrage of insults. Instead the boys are friendly, and one of them, Luke, takes a liking to her. Angela tries again by positioning Natalie beside a popular girl and the cheerleaders, but Natalie leads them in a cheer and gets asked out. When Natalie suggests that respecting yourself earns respect from others, Angela dismisses the idea, and her final provocation, snatching the team’s football, ends with Angela buried under a pile of players while Natalie and the cheerleaders celebrate.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Right before your very eyes, you’re going to see an eating disorder develop.
By the way, I’m calling this exposé My Big Fat Canadian Cousin.
That’s just something parents say when they realize their kids are losers.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Angela Wright
in three two one hello mrs rogers this is angela wright in lieu of the f that you gave me on my social studies paper entitled football causes female eating disorders i present to you hardcore video documentation to support my thesis and hopefully encourage you to change my grade this is my cousin natalie she's visiting from canada natalie come here stand right here
- 00:27
Natalie
hi
- 00:29
Angela Wright
Natalie is chugging. And yet somehow she maintains incredible self-esteem. Natalie, on a scale from 1 to 10, how do you see yourself?
- 00:38
Natalie
A 10. No, 11.
- 00:42
Angela Wright
All right, well, that is all about to change. Right before your very eyes, you're going to see an eating disorder develop. Over my shoulder is the Bowie Junior High School football team.
- 00:52
Natalie
Oh, my God, they're so cute.
- 00:54
Angela Wright
Cute, but vicious. I want you to throw yourself into that pool of adolescent shark while I video record your self-esteem being devoured like a bloody baby seal.
- 01:07
Natalie
Okay.
- 01:09
Angela Wright
By the way, I'm calling this expose my big fat Canadian cousin. Okay, I can't see what they're saying, so I'm going to zoom in and see if we can read their lips. I think Sam just called Natalie fattily. Oh, no, don't take it, Natalie. Don't take it. All right, she's going to cry. I'm pulling her out. Natalie! Word come here! Come here! Oh my God, are you okay? Are you alright? What did they say to you? What did they say, for word.
- 01:38
Natalie
I was like, hi, and they were like, hi, how are you new in school?
- 01:41
Angela Wright
Yes.
- 01:42
Natalie
And I was like, no, I'm just visiting from Canada.
- 01:44
Angela Wright
Uh-huh.
- 01:44
Natalie
And then, I don't know, they must love Canada because they just went nuts.
- 01:49
Angela Wright
Did they say anything about your They're corpulence.
- 01:52
Natalie
No, they're really sweet, especially Luke.
- 01:57
Angela Wright
Luke was sweet? I don't know, that's weird. Maybe they had a spiritual epiphany over the weekend or something. Okay, wait here. I'll be back.
- 02:07
Angela Wright
What guys hey what up guys what up, dog?
- 02:13
You're a dog.
- 02:13
Angela Wright
How's it going? Hey, ow! Ow, ow! Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
- 02:26
Angela Wright
And now, spiritual Epiphany. Okay, this is perfect. Greta Adams is over there talking to the football guys. Okay, come here. The minute they see you standing next to Greta, it will remind them how much they hate porky chicks. and the insults will start flying like puke at the Tilt-A-Whirl. Okay, so go over there.
- 02:51
Natalie
Okay, okay.
- 02:52
Angela Wright
And if the football players don't rip her to shreds, then the cheerleaders will because they hate fat. They are skinny Nazis. They hate fat so much they won't even take a deep breath because it makes them look fat. Natalie will never survive. Those two do duos.
- 03:09
Natalie
Bananas, Bananas, Tilt-A-Whirl.
- 03:11
I
- 03:12
Angela Wright
what are you doing natalie stop it
- 03:18
Natalie
can't believe that they've never heard the banana cheer. Luke asked me out.
- 03:27
Angela Wright
He did not, huh, Luke? I don't understand. Okay, did anybody say anything about you being fat?
- 03:32
Natalie
No.
- 03:33
Angela Wright
Not even the male cheerleader?
- 03:36
Natalie
No.
- 03:37
Angela Wright
I don't understand this. You can usually count on the homosexual for a sassy zinger. This doesn't make sense. Did you tell them that you were dying or something?
- 03:48
Natalie
No. I don't know I guess I mean this might sound queer but maybe my parents are right if you love and respect yourself then others can't help but love and respect you
- 03:58
Angela Wright
now that's just something parents say when they realize their kids are losers okay
- 04:04
Natalie
I know.
- 04:04
Angela Wright
Turn this in. Cut.
- 04:06
Natalie
Okay.
- 04:07
Angela Wright
I finally figured out a way how to unleash their wrath Natalie, come here.
- 04:11
Natalie
I gotta go. My friends are calling me, but they're calling me.
- 04:15
Angela Wright
Okay, take their football.
- 04:17
Natalie
Okay, okay.
- 04:20
Angela Wright
They hate it when you take their football. Trust me, they hate it.
- 04:26
Angela Wright
I don't understand. What are you guys doing? Can I play? Can I play?
- 04:32
Yeah.
- 04:33
Angela Wright
Oh, my God. You're crushing my legs. My mom can't breathe. I'm in close. I love you. Bye.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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