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The Basement

Mad TV1996Season 2Episode 10
Mad TV
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A sweet, half-blind grandmother insists the 78 bodies in her basement were all burglars, and she still has cookies to share.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

While officers haul body bags out of her cozy living room, a detective questions Mrs. Vigor, a frail old woman who keeps pushing cookies on him and begging him to sit closer because he is only a blur to her. She sweetly maintains that every one of the 78 victims in her basement was trying to break in, including her own son, a wealthy doctor she claims was after cigarette money, and she happily takes the blame for Jimmy Hoffa and the Lindbergh baby too. When the detective moves to cuff her he catches her hiding a bottle behind her back, but it is already too late: the cookies were poisoned, his officers drop, and after he radios for backup and collapses she fetches a blade hidden in the sofa and starts dragging him toward the basement.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 2

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Sometimes they just won't stay down.

Does the prison have a basement?

Lady, you are evil. / I know, I'm bad.

Behind the scenes

The people who made it.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

The episode rundown lists this sketch as The Basement; fan uploads call it Killer Grandma.

ScriptEnglish · 52 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:03

    Mrs. Vigor

    You sure you wouldn't like another cookie?

  2. 00:08

    Detective

    No, thank you. I've had enough cookies, all right?

  3. 00:13

    Mrs. Vigor

    Well, at least sit a little bit closer. You're just a blur to me over there.

  4. 00:18

    Detective

    I'm fine where I am, lady.

  5. 00:21

    Mrs. Vigor

    Come on, it won't bite.

  6. 00:23

    Detective

    No, thank you. How many is that?

  7. 00:27

    Speaker 1 ?

    78, Lieutenant.

  8. 00:28

    Detective

    Is that the last of them?

  9. 00:29

    Speaker 1 ?

    Tip of the iceberg, sir.

  10. 00:31

    Detective

    Good God. 78 bodies, Mrs. Vicar. you sure you don't want to add anything to your statement

  11. 00:37

    Mrs. Vigor

    oh I don't think so

  12. 00:39

    Detective

    so you stand by your claim that all of these people all 78 of them were killed because they were trying to break into your house

  13. 00:45

    Mrs. Vigor

    it used to be such a lovely neighborhood until all the break-ins you know

  14. 00:52

    Detective

    we've identified some of these bodies

  15. 00:53

    Mrs. Vigor

    oh that's lovely

  16. 00:54

    Detective

    maybe not you mind telling me what your what your son was doing breaking into your house?

  17. 01:01

    Mrs. Vigor

    Well, it's obvious. He was trying to steal money for smokes. He was the dickens for that.

  18. 01:08

    Detective

    Your son the doctor? The 45-year-old man who made over $300,000 a year was breaking into your house to steal money for cigarettes?

  19. 01:16

    Mrs. Vigor

    I told him a thousand times that those filthy things would kill him.

  20. 01:21

    Detective

    Actually, Mrs. Vigor, you killed him.

  21. 01:24

    Mrs. Vigor

    I didn't know he was my son. I just thought, dear me, there's another one come to take advantage of a defenseless old lady.

  22. 01:33

    Detective

    So you killed him?

  23. 01:35

    Mrs. Vigor

    Yes.

  24. 01:36

    Detective

    And then cut his head off?

  25. 01:39

    Mrs. Vigor

    Sometimes they just won't stay down.

  26. 01:42

    Detective

    You know, we identified another one of these bodies as missing labor leader Jimmy Hoffa.

  27. 01:48

    Mrs. Vigor

    He was trying to break in.

  28. 01:51

    Detective

    What about the Lindbergh baby?

  29. 01:53

    Mrs. Vigor

    That was self-defense, that evil, toothless grin.

  30. 02:00

    Detective

    You're going to prison for this. You know that.

  31. 02:02

    Mrs. Vigor

    Yes. Does the prison have a basement?

  32. 02:08

    Detective

    You know what, lady? I'm glad we're putting you away.

  33. 02:11

    Mrs. Vigor

    Well, I'm happy if you're happy. Shouldn't you come over here and put the cuffs on me?

  34. 02:18

    Detective

    Yeah, it's not a bad idea. Wait a minute. Let me see both your hands.

  35. 02:24

    Mrs. Vigor

    Come here and I'll show you.

  36. 02:25

    Detective

    I don't think so. Don't come any closer

  37. 02:29

    Mrs. Vigor

    What? Did you say something? Sometimes everything just sounds like mosquitoes to me

  38. 02:34

    Detective

    I said don't take another step, lady Let me see what's behind your back

  39. 02:40

    Mrs. Vigor

    Oh

  40. 02:41

    Detective

    Lady, you are evil

  41. 02:45

    Mrs. Vigor

    I know, I'm bad

  42. 02:48

    Detective

    Just put the bottle down

  43. 02:50

    Mrs. Vigor

    All right, but you're being a terrible wet blanket about this

  44. 02:53

    Detective

    Yeah, well, better safe than sorry

  45. 02:55

    Mrs. Vigor

    Well, it's a little late for that

  46. 02:59

    Detective

    what are you talking about

  47. 03:00

    Mrs. Vigor

    dear me how many cookies did you have

  48. 03:03

    Detective ?

    oh my god what did you put in the cookies

  49. 03:06

    Speaker 1 ?

    lieutenant Barry just fainted and I don't feel too good

  50. 03:10

    Detective ?

    this is sergeant dacot we have an officer down I need ambulance and backup pronto

  51. 03:19

    Speaker 2 ?

    proceed with extreme caution and stay away from the

  52. 03:23

    Mrs. Vigor

    I better all this fuss over little old me well I better straighten up if I'm gonna have more company Anthony! Cracky! There you are, Hackey. Come on, let's get to work. You feel like killing? Me too.

The rabbit hole continues

One more couldn’t hurt.

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