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Discount Undertaker
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Mrs. Conley arrives late at a funeral parlor and thanks the smooth undertaker Mr. Marlett for his remarkably low rates, since her late husband, a janitor who never made head janitor, left them little money. When his assistant Mr. Wallace wheels in the casket, she mistakes the tiny box for a sample until Marlett proudly introduces it as her husband. He blames the illusion on perspective and walks her closer, then suggests the six-foot man must have worn lifts or played a short position in college basketball. Realizing why the service is so cheap, she accuses him of cutting up bodies to fit them into undersized coffins and demands her husband's legs back. Marlett grudgingly agrees to search the back room and move the body into a bigger casket for eight thousand dollars more, but once she hears the price she lets him talk her into keeping the little coffin, disguised with flowers and a long striped drape meant to make it look taller.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
It's called perspective. You see, the farther away something is, the smaller it appears.
Is it possible that your husband wore lifts?
What would I possibly want with your husband's legs? I already have two.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
TheTVDB's episode guide and FOX's episode title list both name this sketch 'Discount Undertaker'; it aired in the April 5, 1997 episode guest-hosted by Melrose Place star Thomas Calabro.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:07
Mr. Marlett
Thank you so much for coming. That's wonderful. Oh, Mrs. Connolly.
- 00:13
Mrs. Conley
Hi. I'm very sorry that I'm late.
- 00:15
Mr. Marlett
Oh, that's quite all right. Mr. Wallace.
- 00:17
Mr. Wallace ?
Yes?
- 00:17
Mr. Marlett
Could you bring Mr. Connolly in, if you would?
- 00:19
Mr. Wallace ?
Of course.
- 00:20
Mr. Marlett
Thank you.
- 00:21
Mrs. Conley
Mr. Marlette, I wanted to thank you again for your very reasonable rates. My husband and I were never very well off, what with him never actually getting the promotion to head janitor, and, well... I was concerned that he wouldn't have a decent burial.
- 00:39
Mr. Marlett
Yes, well, our feeling has always been that the funeral business shouldn't simply be about making money. People are grieving, people are in pain. Ah! Here we are.
- 00:48
Mrs. Conley
What is it?
- 00:50
Mr. Marlett
Isn't it lovely?
- 00:52
Mrs. Conley
Be the demonstration model.
- 00:56
Mr. Marlett
Oh, no, no, this is your husband. You see, to me, a pseudo-mahogany says elegance without overstating itself.
- 01:03
Mrs. Conley
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. See, this can't be, Frank. Frank, this is too small.
- 01:09
Mr. Marlett
Well, it looks small from a distance.
- 01:13
Mrs. Conley
We're four feet away.
- 01:15
Mr. Marlett
Exactly. Mrs. Connolly, it's called perspective. You see, the farther away something is, the smaller it appears. But when you come closer... Voila!
- 01:26
Mrs. Conley
It's still too small.
- 01:30
Mr. Marlett
Yes, but it is larger than it was.
- 01:33
Mrs. Conley
Can I please look inside?
- 01:35
Mr. Marlett
Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Wallace.
- 01:36
Mrs. Conley ?
oh my god
- 01:37
Mr. Marlett
what it's not your husband
- 01:38
Mrs. Conley
no it is my husband
- 01:40
Mr. Marlett
oh well then there's not a problem
- 01:42
Mrs. Conley
no no frank was over six feet tall
- 01:45
Mr. Marlett
mrs connor please please don't be offended by this but is it possible that your husband wore lifts
- 01:57
Mrs. Conley
my husband played college basketball
- 02:02
Mr. Marlett
oh what position
- 02:03
Mrs. Conley
what difference does it make
- 02:05
Mr. Marlett
Well, guards are generally small.
- 02:07
Mrs. Conley
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Now I know why your rates are so low.
- 02:12
Mr. Marlett
Excuse me?
- 02:13
Mrs. Conley
You chop up the bodies so that you can fit them into those tiny caskets.
- 02:17
Mr. Marlett
Mrs. Connelly, did I mention that the casket would be surrounded by floral arrangements that will give it a certain largeness?
- 02:24
Mrs. Conley
I demand to know what you've done with his legs.
- 02:27
Mr. Marlett
Whose legs?
- 02:28
Mrs. Conley
My husband's legs.
- 02:29
Mr. Marlett
With all due respect, Mrs. Connelly, what would I possibly want with your husband's legs? I already have two.
- 02:35
Mrs. Conley
yes I want you to go into that back room or wherever you store your leftovers I want you to find my husband's legs sew him back together and put him into a regular size
- 02:46
Mr. Marlett
okay mrs. Connelly
- 02:47
Mrs. Conley ?
I think I will call the police
- 02:50
Mr. Marlett
all right all right but I will go in the back and snoop around and if as you suggest there's been some sort of mix-up and I do happen to run across your husband's so-called legs I'll have them put the body back together and have them placed in a larger and might I add much more expensive casket
- 03:12
Mrs. Conley
fine when you say more expensive how much more expensive
- 03:22
Mr. Marlett
Oh $8,000
- 03:25
Mrs. Conley
and you say this little coffin and we'll be surrounded by flowers and...
- 03:34
Mr. Marlett
Oh, yes, yes, Mrs. Connolly. It's going to look wonderful. Did I tell you we can drape some cloth over the top? Perhaps with some vertical stripes. Mr. Wallace, it'll give it length, much length.
- 03:46
Mrs. Conley ?
Oh, I see.
- 03:47
Mr. Marlett ?
Just watch this.
- 03:48
Mrs. Conley
Oh, well, look how it's improving.
- 03:49
Mr. Marlett ?
Oh! Mrs. Houston, come here.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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