You're tuned to the good stuff

UBS Date

Mad TV 1996 Season 2 Episode 6

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A jittery deliveryman treats a coworker’s visit as the start of a lifelong romance.

Watch on YouTube

Watch onYouTube

Community rating

– / 10

The funny people

Meet the cast. 3

Highly quotable.

I'm having chicken.

Can you sit still?

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Jaq is preparing an elaborate dinner for Lily, a secretary at his delivery company, when his landlady interrupts to collect overdue rent. Lily arrives expecting a casual office gathering, but Jaq has already imagined a relationship and cannot stop racing around the apartment. Multiple dinner options and a ring make his intentions increasingly clear, while Lily struggles to get him seated long enough to explain that she sees him as a friend. Jaq responds by bringing their evening to an abrupt end.

ScriptEnglish · 47 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:00
Jaq
Hi, Mrs. Timmons. You know, it's funny, when you knocked, I thought you were my date, you know, because I've got a big date tonight. Her name's Lily, and she's the secretary down at UBS Delivery where I work, and I really think she could be the one, you know, like, the one, you know? But, so, I'm having a room for dinner, but then, you know, I opened the door, and it wasn't her, it was you.
00:15
Mrs. Timmons
Fascinating. Look, your rent's late. I was expecting it at my place between midnight and four.
00:22
Jaq
Oh, yeah, right, see, I totally would have had there on time, except, you know, usually we get paid on Fridays, only Carol wasn't there, so Joanie from personnel had to come...
00:28
Mrs. Timmons
Shh. It's not when you pay your little wind-up toy. It's how.
00:34
Jaq
Oh, right. How. Yeah. Don't worry. This time it'll totally be a check. No more singles and change. Have a free yo Monday.
00:40
Jaq
Hey,
00:51
Lily
Hey, Jack.
00:55
Jaq
Hey, Lillian. You look, like, completely pretty.
00:58
Lily
That's nice of you to say.
01:00
Jaq
Here.
01:01
Lily
Thank you.
01:03
Jaq
No problem. Come on in.
01:05
Lily
Okay. So, am I the first one here?
01:09
Jaq
Nope. I've been here for hours. I would have been here sooner, except there was a big pileup on the 605, so I had to go around.
01:15
Lily
No, no, Jaq, I meant, is anybody else coming? I heard you talking to everyone at work about dinner tonight.
01:21
Jaq
Oh, no, no, I was just telling them about our date, you know. Just trying to see what everybody thought about us.
01:25
Lily
Us?
01:26
Jaq
Ooh, dinner's ready.
01:27
Lily
Us? Jaq, before we eat, maybe we should talk about this.
01:32
Jaq
Oh, right, small talk. You gotta have small talk. Sorry. So, how was your day?
01:41
Lily
Crazed, really. I was talking to, like...
01:42
Jaq
Cool. Let's eat.
01:42
Lily
Okay.
01:46
Jaq
Do you like fish? I mean, I hope fish is okay.
01:48
Lily
Uh, fish is fine.
01:49
Jaq
You know, cause if you want, you can have, like, lamb chops.
01:51
Lily
You made lamb chops and fish?
01:54
Jaq
Well, yeah, see, cause I didn't know if you liked fish or lamb chops, you know, so, you know, I also made both, you know. But then I thought, well, what if she's, like, a vegetarian, and then, you know, maybe had fish yesterday, so I also made pasta.
02:04
Lily
Fish is fine.
02:05
Jaq
Cool. I'm having chicken.
02:10
Lily
Wow, Jaq, looks like you went through a lot of trouble. I'm in trouble for this dinner tonight. See, I feel awful. I thought this was gonna be like a casual office get-together or something. You know what I mean?
02:20
Jaq
No, don't worry about it. There's no trouble at all.
02:24
Jaq
Hey, can I show you something? What do you think of this ring? Boom!
02:30
Lily
Cool totally Totally great. That's like, whoa. I mean, as a ring.
02:35
Jaq
Go ahead. You know, I bought it about three years ago. You know, for that special somebody. Try it on. I bet it fits.
02:39
Lily
Okay, okay, okay. You know what, Jaq? Jaq, Jaq, you're actually making me a little bit uncomfortable. Um, can we sit down and talk about this?
02:46
Jaq
Yeah, yeah, totally.
02:47
Lily
Can you sit down?
02:47
Jaq
Sure.
02:47
Lily
Here, can you sit down?
02:48
Jaq
Yeah.
02:48
Lily
Right here.
02:49
Jaq
Yeah.
02:49
Lily
Here. Sit. Here. Sit. Can you sit still? Sit. Sit. Still!
02:58
Lily
Jaq, I think you're really nice. And I'm flattered by what you think of me. But I'm gonna have to be blunt. I don't see us going out. I see us as friends. You see? And um, and that's it.
03:15
Jaq
Oh cool you could have this to go.
03:18
Lily
I don't have to leave