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Psychic Cop
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
In this parody of a TV cop show, a crime-scene team is stumped by a murder with no clues at all, until detective Kresge simply announces that the chief did it and lays out an absurdly convoluted explanation involving tennis-racket toxin, a garlic festival and poisoned monastery eggplants. Every new call goes the same way, as she names killers and their hiding places before her partner Tatum can move, and his frustration only grows when she starts predicting his own future, from his wife's infidelity to his imminent end. She signs off by warning viewers not to bother tuning in next week.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
If it weren't for the stiff, we wouldn't even know we had a murder.
Damn you, Kresge, and your psychic powers.
Wait, don't bother tuning in. We're getting canceled tomorrow.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
John Blanchard
Director
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Wikipedia's season 1 episode summary credits Psychic Cop to Mary Scheer; the performers playing Tatum and the police chief are not identified in available sources.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:06
Tatum ?
Hey, Chief, what have we got?
- 00:08
Chief
What have we got? More like what don't we got. No witnesses, no fingerprints, no footprints, no casings, no fibers, no exit wound, no entry wound, no nothing. If it weren't for the stiff, we wouldn't even know we had a murder. We're completely baffled.
- 00:18
Tatum ?
Whoever did this was good. Real good.
- 00:23
Kresge ?
The chief did it. The Chief did it.
- 00:26
Chief
All All right, I did it, damn it. You got me. You happy now?
- 00:33
Tatum
Kresge, how did you know?
- 00:34
Kresge
Simple. My psychic powers tell me that the victim was killed by a lethal dose of titanium hydroxide, an undetectable toxin used in the manufacture of tennis rackets.
- 00:42
Tatum ?
But the Chief doesn't play tennis.
- 00:44
Kresge
Precisely. But when one I. Nick Latzow's henchman is caught breaking into City Hall to steal funds for the annual garlic festival, the chief panics. So he hides the photos in the boiler room at the nicotine patch factory. But when the monks at St. Joe's discover that their eggplant garden is poisoned, it's game over. And before you can say Dionne Warwick, he rubs out the deputy mayor's chiropractor.
- 01:01
Kresge ?
Take him away, boys.
- 01:03
Tatum
Great job, Cresty.
- 01:05
Kresge
Thanks, Tatum.
- 01:06
Attention, all units. Double homicide at the corner of Larson and Beevils Drive. Suspect is armed and extremely dangerous.
- 01:11
Tatum ?
Tell him we're on our way. Let's roll.
- 01:13
Kresge
Wait. The killer's name is Norris Fultley, lives at 302 Montclair, Apartment 6, but you'll find him under a pile of rotting bok choy in a dumpster behind Chef Wong's.
- 01:21
Tatum
Damn you, Kresge, and your psychic powers. When are you gonna let me solve a case on my own?
- 01:26
Kresge
March 6, 1997. A kindergarten teacher will be decapitated on the uptown local. You'll find that a man named George Watson... Oops.
- 01:33
Tatum
Damn you!
- 01:35
Kresge
Hey, calm down, Tatum.
- 01:36
Tatum
No, I'm sick and tired.
- 01:37
Kresge
Listen, your wife is about to step into the shower of the UPS man. She'll be lathering places he'd normally do himself.
- 01:42
Tatum
Damn her! I gave her the best 20 years of my life!
- 01:45
Kresge
Wait, I'm getting something else. In the long run, Tatum, it's not gonna matter anyway.
- 01:48
Tatum
Why?
- 01:51
Kresge
That's why.
- 01:52
Kresge ?
Tune in next week for another exciting episode.
- 01:54
Kresge
Wait, don't bother tuning in. We're getting canceled tomorrow.
- 01:57
Tatum ?
Damn you, Kresge, and your psychic powers.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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