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Two Hustlers
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Two men approach each other in an alley with the same request: a few dollars for gas. Instead of competing for the same donor, they trade ever more outlandish credentials, family emergencies and bargains, each treating the other as a mark. Their scheme moves to an ATM, where the exchange of cards and codes leaves both with nothing but junk. Undeterred, they turn together toward the next passerby with the same pitch.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I too have multiple IDs, crescendoing in this.
That is a credit card placeholder you would find in a translucent sleeve in a brand new wallet.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:02
Hustler in Gray Suit
Excuse me, big man, big man, big man. Excuse me, big man, no, but big man, okay? God bless you. I'll catch you on the upflip. Thank you, big man. Thank you, big man.
- 00:11
Hustler in Red Jacket
Hey, brother.
- 00:12
Hustler in Gray Suit
Hey.
- 00:12
Hustler in Gray Suit
Uh, can I ask you a question real quick, though, brother man?
- 00:14
Hustler in Red Jacket
Oh, see, that's good, because I was about to ask you a question right now.
- 00:16
Hustler in Gray Suit
Okay, so here's the deal, man. Crazy thing, my car went out of gas about a mile up the road. Just wondering if I could get a little bit of money, you know, just get a couple of gallons.
- 00:23
Hustler in Red Jacket
Okay, that's crazy, because you know what? My car had also broke down right up the road. I got my daughter here. She's fine. She's sleeping in the car. I got to get back to her real quick. So if you could help me out, I was going to ask you if you could help me. Let me just give you my wallet out here and show you my ID to let you know that I am straight up legit, real. I ain't trying to do nothing to nobody.
- 00:43
Hustler in Gray Suit
On the issue of legitimacy, I, too, have an identification. That's an employee ID from Borders Bookstore. You see right here, I got my Bally's Total Fitness ID right here. It shows you that I stay fit and conscientious and whatnot. You'll also notice that these other IDs I have in my hand have the same name on it, which makes you know that it is indeed me.
- 00:58
Hustler in Red Jacket
OK, I, too, have multiple IDs. crescendoing in this, dun-dun-dun-dun, Yogurtland punch card.
- 01:04
Hustler in Gray Suit
OK, yeah, I see that right there.
- 01:06
Hustler in Red Jacket
That is, I'm up to my ninth purchase, apparently, and you can't fake that. You get a free 10 ounce yogurt for that, yeah.
- 01:10
Hustler in Gray Suit
All right, so normally I would not ask another person for assistance, but our family is in a fiduciary crisis right now. My wife is languishing in the hospital because she's a construction worker. And what happened is she got struck in the face by a power line, fried her whole head up, burnt both her eyeballs out. She's getting eyeball replacement surgery as we speak.
- 01:26
Hustler in Red Jacket
I also have a spousal injury crisis on my midst as well. Well, my wife was in the astronaut program making her a full-fledged astronaut.
- 01:34
Hustler in Gray Suit
Okay, impressive.
- 01:34
Hustler in Red Jacket
And she had gotten moon dust in her lungs, and hell, you don't want to get it.
- 01:37
Hustler in Gray Suit
That's never good. It's never good. We don't want that. So maybe we could find an ATM or something like that.
- 01:43
Hustler in Red Jacket
Oh, look, that's one over there.
- 01:44
Hustler in Gray Suit
Oh, my gosh. What's the chances of it?
- 01:46
Hustler in Red Jacket
We should probably check that out.
- 01:48
Hustler in Gray Suit
Yeah, let's just take a look right there.
- 01:49
Hustler in Red Jacket
Well, here we are.
- 01:51
Hustler in Gray Suit
Well, here we are.
- 01:51
Hustler in Red Jacket
ATM machines that I did not know previously were here.
- 01:54
Hustler in Gray Suit
All right, two of them, no less.
- 01:55
Hustler in Red Jacket
I'll tell you what we should do, though, man. You give me the 20, okay?
- 01:58
Hustler in Gray Suit
Okay, I'll give you the three that's on my person. Then I will give you the 17 after. Then you give me that 17. I'll cut you a check for 100 just to cover that. You give me the change in cash.
- 02:09
Hustler in Red Jacket
Okay, okay, I feel that. Why am I playing? I'm just gonna give you my ATM card so you know I'm legit.
- 02:13
Hustler in Gray Suit
Of course, of course. I'm gonna give you my ATM card so we both have something of value from the other person.
- 02:18
Hustler in Red Jacket
All right. And your code is?
- 02:23
Hustler in Gray Suit
It is 1234. And yours, sir?
- 02:26
Hustler in Red Jacket
1235.
- 02:26
Hustler in Gray Suit
All right, thank you.
- 02:36
Hustler in Red Jacket
Okay, that is a Ralph's Rewards card.
- 02:39
Hustler in Gray Suit
Okay, that is a credit card placeholder you would find in a translucent sleeve in a brand-new wallet.
- 02:49
Hustler in Red Jacket
Excuse me, big man. Hey, big man.
- 02:50
Hustler in Gray Suit
Hey, right quick, right quick. Can I ask you a question, biggest man? I got a question right quick.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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