sketchtv.lol Search

You're tuned to the good stuff

Don't You Dare Touch Those Bagels

Key & Peele2015Season 5Episode 8
Key & Peele
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A sales rep is ordered to guard the office bagels from everyone but the sales team, and a janitor with his eye on one turns the whole presentation into a disaster.

Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube

Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

At a morning sales meeting, mild-mannered Ron is told by his peppy boss, Mr. Sheltie, to make sure everyone knows the bagels are for sales associates only. A janitor then keeps edging toward the breakfast table, asking whether the food might be for him, and every refusal pulls Ron further into the argument. Mr. Sheltie, trying to deliver a presentation on the history of selling, blames Ron for each interruption, even though Ron is only following his instruction. By the time Ron snaps and declares that even the smell is off limits, he has been fired, and the boss is left to give his speech alone with the bagels that started it.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 3

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Ron, handle your bagels!

Cells make up our bodies, but selling makes our bodies come alive.

You can't have any bagels! You can't have any cream cheese! And you can't have smells!

ScriptEnglish · 65 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:07

    Ron

    Morning.

  2. 00:08

    Mr. Sheltie

    Morning. Ron.

  3. 00:13

    Ron

    Good morning, Mr. Selby.

  4. 00:14

    Mr. Sheltie

    How's the fam?

  5. 00:16

    Ron

    Oh, I don't have one. I'm single, sir. I'm not married. I mean, I do have a girlfriend.

  6. 00:19

    Mr. Sheltie

    That's great.

  7. 00:20

    Ron

    She's not married.

  8. 00:20

    Ron

    Oh, God!

  9. 00:23

    Mr. Sheltie

    Hey, I need you to do me a favor. Make sure everybody knows that the bagels are for sales associates only.

  10. 00:29

    Ron

    No problem, sir.

  11. 00:32

    Mr. Sheltie

    All right, let's get this sales presentation started. All right, who's hungover? Not me. I know Ron is.

  12. 00:41

    Ron

    That's not true.

  13. 00:42

    Mr. Sheltie

    you're an alcoholic

  14. 00:43

    Ron

    I'm not sir I'm not

  15. 00:45

    Mr. Sheltie

    hey guys sales associates friends today I want to talk about the world's oldest profession I know I know what you're thinking right sex and prostitutes that's not what I'm talking about okay talking about sales if you look at our ancient history as human beings the The first caveman out there sold a rock to the second caveman out there.

  16. 01:20

    Ron

    Oh, no, I'm sorry. Those are for sales associates only.

  17. 01:22

    Janitor

    It's food.

  18. 01:24

    Ron

    Not for you. I'm sorry. The bagels are just for sales associates.

  19. 01:29

    Janitor

    For sale?

  20. 01:30

    Ron

    No, it's free.

  21. 01:31

    Janitor

    Oh, for free?

  22. 01:32

    Ron

    Not for you, though.

  23. 01:34

    Janitor

    It's just for me.

  24. 01:35

    Ron

    No, the sign says...

  25. 01:37

    Janitor

    The bagels are only for sales associates.

  26. 01:40

    Mr. Sheltie

    Ron! Love the enthusiasm, but it's a little distracting.

  27. 01:45

    Ron

    I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sir.

  28. 01:47

    Mr. Sheltie

    Uh, don't do it again, please.

  29. 01:49

    Ron

    Sorry.

  30. 01:50

    Mr. Sheltie

    Move it on.

  31. 01:51

    Janitor

    For me, maybe?

  32. 01:52

    Ron

    No, not maybe. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

  33. 01:55

    Janitor

    Foss? Foss?

  34. 01:57

    Ron

    What?

  35. 01:57

    Janitor

    Foss. For us.

  36. 01:58

    Ron

    No, no, not for us. One. Just one. It's just that they're for sales associates only.

  37. 02:02

    Janitor

    For me, maybe?

  38. 02:06

    Mr. Sheltie

    Hey, Ron!

  39. 02:07

    Ron

    Yep.

  40. 02:09

    Mr. Sheltie

    Just shut up. All right. What was the first tongue twister you remember? hearing, was it she sells?

  41. 02:17

    Ron

    Sir? Sir, no, sir, cream cheese is also only for sales associates.

  42. 02:23

    Janitor

    How come it's not for me? Why?

  43. 02:25

    Ron

    Because the bagels are for sales associates.

  44. 02:26

    Mr. Sheltie

    Ron!

  45. 02:27

    Ron

    Yes.

  46. 02:27

    Mr. Sheltie

    Time and place, man.

  47. 02:28

    Ron

    Sir, this guy just keeps trying to grab a bagel and...

  48. 02:31

    Mr. Sheltie

    Ron, do you want to come up here and do the presentation?

  49. 02:32

    Ron

    I'll go back there and be a jackass? You just asked me to make sure that nobody would...

  50. 02:36

    Mr. Sheltie

    Oh, science says that. My name's Ron. I like to drink alcohol and listen to science all day.

  51. 02:41

    Ron

    He's really relentless about having a bagel...

  52. 02:44

    Mr. Sheltie

    Ron, handle your bagels!

  53. 02:45

    Ron

    I'm trying.

  54. 02:47

    Mr. Sheltie

    Unbelievable, everybody. All right, I'll just start cold. Cells make up our bodies, but celling makes our bodies come alive.

  55. 02:54

    Ron

    Sir.

  56. 02:55

    Mr. Sheltie

    Thanks, Ron.

  57. 02:56

    Ron

    Seriously, stop.

  58. 02:58

    Janitor

    Not even a smell?

  59. 02:59

    Ron

    No, no, no! You can't have any bagels, you can't have any cream cheese, and you can't have smells! That's what the fucking science says!

  60. 03:06

    Mr. Sheltie

    Ron!

  61. 03:07

    Ron

    Yes!

  62. 03:07

    Mr. Sheltie

    You are fired, sir!

  63. 03:09

    Ron

    Of course! I am!

  64. 03:14

    Mr. Sheltie

    All All right, you know what? Just give me a minute. I'm going to try to forget Ron ruined my day. because this presentation is... great, and it's going great. I think you guys can bagel, too. These bagels are...

  65. 03:30

    Mr. Sheltie

    He's right, he's right Ron.

The rabbit hole continues

One more couldn’t hurt.

More from across the archive.

Explore the show