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Vincent Clortho Public School for Wizards
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Framed as an HBO America Undercover documentary on the state of public magic, the sketch follows Principal Parnabus Jackson and his mechanical-eyed head of security, Lester Bigglesby, around Vincent Clortho Public School for Wizards. Lester runs students through a checkpoint and displays the week's contraband, from a silenced wand to pixie dust, while title cards report wizard-on-wizard violence, a daycare budget for demon babies and a national ranking far below Hogwarts. Jackson defends his students as good kids, blames cultural bias for the school's test scores, admits teachers buy their own spell ingredients and cradles a pupil stuck as a cat because the school cannot afford to change him back. A tour of a Quidditch team reduced to mops and cleaning sweepers ends back in his office, where a rat he takes for a prankster student proves to be a real rat.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Here's a wand with a silencer on it. Why?
One out of five girls in this school is pregnant with a demon baby.
There's never a portal that cannot be opened with ingenuity and respect.
20% of Clortho's annual budget is spent on daycare for hell spawn born out of wedlock.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Peter Atencio
Director
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
The school takes its name from Vinz Clortho, the Keymaster in Ghostbusters.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Parnabus Jackson
Okay, but do I look in the camera? No? Oh, at you. All right. Like on television. All right.
- 00:13
Lester Bigglesby
All the stupid-ass, grab-ass, and touchy-feely bull . Goddamn. I told you they was rotten.
- 00:23
Parnabus Jackson
I am, uh, Parnibus Jackson, principal here at Clortho. Uh, Vince Clortho High. Uh, this, uh, station's just a formality.
- 00:33
Lester Bigglesby
Here's a bunch of stuff that we confiscated just this week.
- 00:37
Parnabus Jackson
Mister, you don't have to show them that.
- 00:39
Lester Bigglesby
Here's a wand with a silencer on it. Why?
- 00:42
Lester Bigglesby
But I ask again. Why?
- 00:44
Lester Bigglesby
One out of five girls in this school is pregnant with a demon baby.
- 00:48
Parnabus Jackson
One out of five? OK. Ain't no denying it. The babies are evil, but the mothers, they're good kids. As we say at Clortho's, there's never a portal that cannot be opened with ingenuity and respect.
- 01:05
Lester Bigglesby
Now, how you going to be using an invisible cloak when I can see you tagging the damn wall. Dime bag of pixie dust. Pfft. Contraband. Let's see.
- 01:17
Parnabus Jackson
Here's the thing. The kids know that the only way to fly...
- 01:20
Lester Bigglesby
Wizard pepper. Unbelievable.
- 01:22
Parnabus Jackson
Get your ass out of my office. I will turn you into a spider. They're good kids. Hogwarts and chlorothos. Chlorothos and Hogwarts. Go hand in hand. The best top two wizarding schools there are. But, you know, out of these two schools, we each have a strike. We do score a little bit lower on our standardized tests than Hogwarts, but there is a cultural bias.
- 01:47
Parnabus Jackson
We may not have a huge endowment like they get over at Hogwarts. And yes, some of the teachers have to buy their own newt's eyes or bat wings.
- 01:56
Lester Bigglesby
One kid got transformed into a cat. They can't even afford a changing back.
- 02:00
Parnabus Jackson
This young man's name is Jamar. Normally, you're not allowed to touch the students like this when they're in human form. But, uh, when they're capped, we just have at it.
- 02:10
Parnabus Jackson
Sports! Everybody loves sports. It's true. The hallways are a bluster with the conversation of our Quidditch team.
- 02:18
Lester Bigglesby
Half the team is back here riding mops. We got two little niggas on Swiffers. Let's talk.
- 02:23
Parnabus Jackson
When all is said and done, the average Clortho student said, this mother...
- 02:31
Parnabus Jackson
Sometimes the kids think it's cute to turn themselves into a rat. Sneak into my office, Play a little joke on me. Who is that? Tyrone? Is that... Is that... No, that's an actual rat.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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