Last Fuckable Day

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:12
   

   Patricia Arquette

   You guys, you never slept with him. You don't know what you're missing.

2. 00:15
   

   Amy Schumer

   No way!

3. 00:17
   

   Julia Louis-Dreyfus

   Hi, are you lost?

4. 00:21
   

   Amy Schumer

   Um, I'm sorry, I just, I love all of you. I can't, I can't believe you're here. You're like literally my heroes.

5. 00:29
   

   Tina Fey

   God, you look familiar. Are you that girl from the television who talks about her pussy all the time?

6. 00:35
   

   Amy Schumer

   Yes, that is, yes, thank you.

7. 00:38
   

   Patricia Arquette

   How fun, well come sit. Please. Come on.

8. 00:41
   

   Amy Schumer

   Yeah?

9. 00:41
   

   Julia Louis-Dreyfus

   Come talk about your pussy over here.

10. 00:45
    

    Amy Schumer

    Is it someone's birthday or...?

11. 00:48
    

    Patricia Arquette

    Oh. Kind of the opposite. We're celebrating Julia's last fuckable day.

12. 00:52
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    Yes.

13. 00:53

    Salud. Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

14. 00:56
    

    Amy Schumer

    I'm sorry. Did you say Julia's last fuckable day?

15. 00:58
    

    Patricia Arquette

    Mm-hmm.

16. 00:59
    

    Amy Schumer

    What is that?

17. 01:00
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    In every actress's life, the media decides when you finally reach the point where you're not believably fuckable anymore.

18. 01:09
    

    Amy Schumer

    I mean, how do you know?

19. 01:11
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    Well, nobody really overtly tells you, but there are signs.

20. 01:15
    

    Tina Fey

    You know how Sally Field was Tom Hanks' love interest in Punchline, and then, like, 20 minutes later, she was his mom in Forrest Gump?

21. 01:22
    

    Patricia Arquette

    Or you might get offered a rom-com with Jack Nicholson where you're competing with another woman to fuck him.

22. 01:27
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    Or I just had an audition for Mrs. Claus.

23. 01:29
    

    Patricia Arquette

    You're kidding me. I read for that part.

24. 01:31
    

    Tina Fey

    I read for that, too.

25. 01:32
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    You did? Hey, who got that?

26. 01:34
    

    Patricia Arquette

    J.Lo.

27. 01:35
    

    Tina Fey

    Oh, she'll be good.

28. 01:37
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    She's gonna be really good.

29. 01:38
    

    Patricia Arquette

    Really good.

30. 01:38
    

    Tina Fey

    Or you go to a movie set, you go to wardrobe and the only thing they have for you to wear are long sweaters like cover you up head to toe kind of thing

31. 01:45
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    where like the poster for your movie is just like a picture of the kitchen

32. 01:48
    

    Tina Fey

    yeah

33. 01:49
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    with these very uplifting and yet vague titles like whatever it takes or she means well that kind of thing

34. 01:56
    

    Patricia Arquette

    right another common sign is when they start remaking your best movies with younger more fuckable actresses i guess are remaking boyhood with selena gomez at my part

35. 02:04
    

    Tina Fey

    that's gonna make a lot of money

36. 02:05
    

    Amy Schumer

    i don't understand you're all so fuckable

37. 02:08
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    Like, believe me, no one was more surprised than me that they let me stay fuckable throughout my 40s. And the fact that it continued into my 50s, this was just like, thanks, but I thought that Us Weekly had made some sort of a clerical error or something.

38. 02:21
    

    Tina Fey

    Tell me about it. If you shoot a sex scene the night before your birthday, everyone is like, hurry up, hurry up, we gotta get it before midnight, because they think your vagina's gonna turn into a hermit crab.

39. 02:29
    

    Amy Schumer

    Uh-huh. Well, is there anything you can do to delay it?

40. 02:32
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    Yeah, I mean, you can try, but it only makes it worse. Like those real housewives. They try to look young, but then they end up looking like a purse that melted in a car accident.

41. 02:40
    

    Tina Fey

    Yeah. They look like when a kid draws a face on its hand.

42. 02:44
    

    Amy Schumer

    But what about men? Like, who tells men when it's their last fuckable day?

43. 02:51
    

    Patricia Arquette

    Honey, men don't have that day.

44. 02:53

    Never.

45. 02:53
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    Well, they're fuckable forever. They could be 100 and, like, nothing, but white spiders coming out, but they're fuckable.

46. 02:59
    

    Patricia Arquette

    I didn't get this commercial last week for AARP because the director said I was too old to play Larry King's wife.

47. 03:04
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    I heard that Bruce Willis just got engaged to a girl who is 24 years younger than him, and I heard that she is an actual baby lamb.

48. 03:12
    

    Tina Fey

    What? Really? Let me Google it.

49. 03:15
    

    Amy Schumer

    So, wait, are you guys, like, bummed at all?

50. 03:17
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    What? No! Are you kidding me? I'm thrilled! Ecstatic! I mean, I don't have to deal with this, maintaining this anymore. I mean, it's just such a godsend. I can grow my pubes out. Look at this. See this? Ice cream's been sitting out here for an hour. You want to know why? What's this, baby?

51. 03:37

    Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! Whoo! Oh! Hi-oh! Whoo!

52. 03:50
    

    Tina Fey

    All right, you know what's next. Let's go do this thing.

53. 03:53
    

    Amy Schumer

    Where are we going?

54. 03:54
    

    Patricia Arquette

    To do the ritual.

55. 03:57
    

    Tina Fey

    And then we put her in the boat, and we push her out into the water, and we drink champagne to salute how fuckable she was for so many years.

56. 04:04
    

    Amy Schumer

    It's nice.

57. 04:05
    

    Patricia Arquette

    Yeah, it's really nice.

58. 04:07

    Cheers. Cheers! Cheers.

59. 04:10
    

    Amy Schumer

    And where is she going?

60. 04:12
    

    Patricia Arquette

    Home.

61. 04:14
    

    Amy Schumer

    Wait, what?

62. 04:15
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    Tina, no!

63. 04:18
    

    Patricia Arquette

    Seriously, relax. She's just going to her house.

64. 04:22
    

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    I got to get clothes. I got to get out of the dryer.

65. 04:26
    

    Tina Fey

    OK, I was right. She's an actual baby lamb.

66. 04:28
    

    Patricia Arquette

    oh can i see it

67. 04:31
    

    Amy Schumer

    oh good for them

68. 04:34
    

    Patricia Arquette

    i'm I'm out.

69. 04:36
    

    Amy Schumer

    OK, bye.

70. 04:36
    

    Tina Fey

    I'll see you.

71. 04:39
    

    Amy Schumer

    What are you doing?

72. 04:40
    

    Tina Fey

    I'm just going to go home and wax my beard.

73. 04:43
    

    Amy Schumer

    When When does that start?