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Football Town Nights

Inside Amy Schumer2015Season 3Episode 1
Inside Amy Schumer
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

In a Friday Night Lights parody, a new small-town football coach introduces one radical team rule, no raping, and the whole town turns against him.

Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube

Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Coach Thompson arrives in the football-mad town of Stewford Heights with his wife, Amy, and a winning record, promising the Bronconeers a no-huddle offense, two-a-day practices and one new rule written on the locker-room whiteboard: no raping. The players treat it as an outrageous imposition and pepper him with loophole questions about away games, Halloween costumes, drunk girls and a mother who is the district attorney, until a brawl breaks out. Townswomen spit at his feet, Amy urges him to drop the rule while pouring herself ever-larger glasses of wine, and a player visits his home to ask whether filming someone else's assault counts. When an injured star's father hears his son will never rape again and the team falls behind, the coach rallies them with a speech about entitlement and domination that reveals how the sport's own messages feed the problem, ending with a cheer that adds "don't rape" to the familiar Friday Night Lights motto.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 11

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Don't let the door rape you on the way out

You can't bring a wet mule around a hot corn oven

Will my boy ever rape again?

How do I get through to you boys that football isn't about rape?

Behind the scenes

The people who made it.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

Writer Christine Nangle has said the sketch grew out of her anger over the Steubenville, Ohio, high school football rape case, and that she deliberately left girls out of it so the focus stayed on the messages the boys receive.

ScriptEnglish · 67 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:11

    Speaker 1

    It's Monday and that means The big game against Galveston is just a few days away. We're praying that new guy, Coach Thompson, is getting our Bronconeers ready for combat.

  2. 00:21

    Neighbor

    You the new football coach down at the high school?

  3. 00:23

    Coach Thompson

    Yes, sir. Coach Thompson. This is my wife, Amy.

  4. 00:26

    Coach Thompson's Wife

    Hey, y'all.

  5. 00:27

    Neighbor

    Well, Coach Crawford was like family. You got some big shoes to fill. We sure love our football around here more than anything.

  6. 00:33

    Neighbor

    A white picture of a pecan crumble.

  7. 00:35

    Neighbor

    Go, Bronconeers!

  8. 00:36

    Coach Thompson

    Bronconeers.

  9. 00:37

    Ain't it good to be the coach?

  10. 00:39

    Coach Thompson

    I'm now i'm not sure what you heard about me, but I do things a little different than y'all are used to here in Stuford Heights. This season, we're gonna be the first team in the county to run a no-huddle offense. What? You don't like that? You can just look at my 14-2 record in Northeast last year.

  11. 01:10

    Coach Thompson

    Second, we do two-a-days every day.

  12. 01:13

    Mm-hmm.

  13. 01:14

    Coach Thompson

    And third, I just need you to go with me on this one. But, No, Nathan.

  14. 01:24

    But Coach, we play football.

  15. 01:26

    Coach Thompson

    My team, my rules. You don't like it? Don't let the door rape you on the way out.

  16. 01:29

    can we Can we rape at away games?

  17. 01:33

    Coach Thompson

    Nope.

  18. 01:34

    What if it's Halloween and she's dressed like a sexy cat?

  19. 01:37

    Coach Thompson

    Nope. Nope.

  20. 01:37

    What if she thinks it's rape, but I don't?

  21. 01:40

    Coach Thompson

    Still no.

  22. 01:40

    What about like a sexy ladybug?

  23. 01:43

    Coach Thompson

    Nope.

  24. 01:45

    A ghost?

  25. 01:46

    What about a sexy owl?

  26. 01:51

    Sexy transformer?

  27. 01:52

    What if my mom is the DA and won't prosecute? Can I rape?

  28. 01:57

    Coach Thompson

    No, you cannot.

  29. 01:59

    What if she's drunk and has a slight reputation and no one's gonna believe her?

  30. 02:04

    Coach Thompson

    That ain't allowed.

  31. 02:04

    Okay. The girl said yes to me the other day, but it was about something else.

  32. 02:08

    Coach Thompson

    No.

  33. 02:09

    What if the girl said yes, but then she changes her mind out of nowhere, like a crazy person?

  34. 02:14

    Coach Thompson

    You gotta stop.

  35. 02:15

    No, you gotta stop!

  36. 02:16

    You're

  37. 02:17

    Coach Thompson

    whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. What is that? Come on. Hey.

  38. 02:29

    You're that new coach who don't like raping.

  39. 02:31

    All right, boys, supposed to celebrate when they win. Or blow off steam if they lose.

  40. 02:36

    Coach Thompson

    That's not very neighborly, ladies.

  41. 02:39

    Coach Thompson's Wife

    These folks, that's just their way, OK? You can't bring a wet mule around a hot corn oven.

  42. 02:45

    Coach Thompson

    Yeah, that's the truth.

  43. 02:46

    Coach Thompson's Wife

    Right? How about just backing off this whole no raping thing for now?

  44. 02:50

    Coach Thompson

    We've been through this a million times.

  45. 02:51

    Coach Thompson's Wife

    No, I know we've been through it, and I know we have a daughter, okay? I know that, and I love her, but I am so tired. I don't know why, but I am, you know?

  46. 03:08

    Hey, Coach. Um, Um, can I come in?

  47. 03:11

    Coach Thompson

    Sure.

  48. 03:15

    Uh, I'm I'm sorry to bother you at home, Coach, but, um, you're the closest thing I ever had to a dad, and I just want to, you know, ask.

  49. 03:24

    Coach Thompson

    Go ahead, son.

  50. 03:26

    But, like, what if someone else is raping her, right? And I'm just, like, filming it on my phone.

  51. 03:29

    Coach Thompson

    No, it's Dylan. No, you're just as guilty. But you already knew that, right?

  52. 03:46

    Speaker 1

    The profaneers are taking a beating out there. Oh! We got a hard hit on Cunningham, and he is down.

  53. 03:54

    Coach Thompson

    Just give it to me straight, Doc. Will my boy ever rape again?

  54. 03:59

    Doctor

    Afraid not.

  55. 04:08

    Speaker 1

    The Rockeneers are really feeling Cunningham's loss. They're down 15 points. And that's halftime, folks.

  56. 04:16

    Coach Thompson

    We should not be losing this game. Dugan, what in the hell were you thinking out there on that last play, son?

  57. 04:21

    Dugan

    I was thinking about raping.

  58. 04:23

    Coach Thompson

    God damn it. How How do I get through to you boys that football isn't about rape?

  59. 04:31

    Coach Thompson

    It's about violently dominating anyone that stands between you and what you want.

  60. 04:37

    Coach Thompson

    Now you gotta get yourself into the mindset that you are gods. And you are entitled to this!

  61. 04:45

    Coach Thompson

    That other team, they ain't just gonna lay down and give it to you! You gotta go out there and take it! Now let's get out there!

  62. 04:54

    Coach Thompson

    Clear your eyes.

  63. 04:56

    Full hearts.

  64. 04:58

    Joe Ray!

  65. 04:59

    Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

  66. 05:05

    Ain't it good to be the coach?

  67. 05:08

    I love you, baby.

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