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The Real Side of Gary Coleman
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Now a security guard at a toy store, Gary Coleman (Dave Chappelle) politely declines when an excited fan asks him to say his famous sitcom line, explaining that those days were painful for him. When she answers by mocking his height and his faded career, he radios in for a time-out and launches an absurdly vicious, slow-motion brawl through the aisles, staged with obvious doubles and fake hands. His manager arrives to scold him for causing trouble, but Gary turns the tables by pulling merchandise from her pockets and charging her with shoplifting, then finally delivers his catchphrase on his own terms.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Red Eagle, this is Gary. Everything's all right in Candyland.
You're supposed to be fighting crime, not causing it.
I am fighting crime, okay? Check your pockets.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
The sketch riffs on a real 1998 incident in which Gary Coleman was charged with assaulting a fan who had approached him at a California mall for an autograph and mocked his career.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Gary Coleman
Hey, Red Eagle, this is Gary. Everything's all right in Candyland.
- 00:04
Gary Coleman
Hey! Hey! Get off the trampoline. Get off the trampoline.
- 00:08
Gary Coleman Fan
Stop playing with me. Oh! my God, it's Gary Coleman! Who can I talk about?
- 00:14
Gary Coleman
Miss, please, I'm busy at work right now, and I really don't like doing that anymore. Thank you. I'm so sorry.
- 00:19
Gary Coleman Fan
Well, could you at least just say, what you talking about? I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it.
- 00:24
Gary Coleman
Miss, I'm sorry. I don't say that anymore, and I wish you wouldn't bring it up. It's a little painful for me. Some tough times in my life, and I'm really just trying to focus on what my life is now. Thank you very much.
- 00:35
Gary Coleman Fan
You was an asshole. That's why your broke ass ain't famous now, fuckin' midget.
- 00:42
Gary Coleman
Red Eagle. Red Eagle, this is Gary. I'm gonna have to take a little time out. A little time out for Gary.
- 01:18
Aah!
- 01:21
Gary Coleman Fan
No, no! Get off. Get off me. Get, get, get. Aah! Get off me. Get off. Aah! Get off me. Get off me.
- 01:34
Come on. I can't hold you. Come on. Come on. I got this thing. What did you do? Gary I got it. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- 02:10
Store Manager
You're Coleman, you're supposed to be fighting crime, not causing it.
- 02:16
Gary Coleman
Sir, I am fighting crime, okay? Check your pockets. I'm charging you with shoplifting, miss.
- 02:27
Yes. Yes.
- 02:28
Gary Coleman Fan
You dick! You planted those on me!
- 02:32
Gary Coleman
What you talking about, bitch?
- 02:42
Yeah!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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