The Racial Draft

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:03
   

   Rob

   Good evening and welcome to the first and maybe only racial draft here in New York City. Folks, this is for all the marbles. What happens here will state the racial standing of these Americans once and for all.

2. 00:14
   

   Dave

   That's right. And the crowd is here to support their races.

3. 00:18
   

   Billy

   Well, Rob, some of the biggest names in sports and in entertainment are on the line tonight. And I'm excited to see who's going to be drafted by which race. Seated behind me on the stage there are the various representatives. And believe it or not, the blacks have actually won the first pick.

4. 00:33
   

   Rob

   Wow, that's the first lottery a black person's won in a long time, Billy.

5. 00:36
   

   Billy

   Yes, and they'll probably still complain.

6. 00:39
   

   Dave

   Man, fuck you.

7. 00:41
   

   Rob

   Up the microphone now. Why don't we take a listen?

8. 00:45
   

   Rondell, Black Delegation Rep

   We as a black delegation, shoot She Tiger Woods.

9. 00:54
   

   Rob

   No surprises there, because the richest and most dominant athlete in the world, his father black, his mother Thai. Well, it doesn't matter anymore, because now he is officially black. Dave, the Asians have got to be upset.

10. 01:09
    

    Dave

    There's no question about that, Robert. But he had to think about it. He's been discriminated against in his time. He's had death threats. And he dates a white woman. Sounds like a black guy to me.

11. 01:19
    

    Rob

    Tiger's taking a stage there. And if you ask me, he's looking blacker already.

12. 01:24
    

    Tiger Woods

    I'd like to say it's a tremendous opportunity for me to finally be part of a race, have a home. Been so confused by cavalcades and so many things. so So long fried rice hello fried chicken I love you guys! I always wanted to say this for shizzle

13. 02:01
    

    Rob

    Well well it seems as though Tiger Woods is happy to be black and that's a good thing because I just received word that he lost all his endorsements

14. 02:13
    

    Billy

    oh that's a tough one

15. 02:15
    

    Dave

    oh and makes tag he were Wheaties the whole shebangabang

16. 02:18
    

    Dave

    tough Tough break, nigga.

17. 02:20

    It's always foodie.

18. 02:23
    

    Rob

    All right. Coming up now are the Jews. Many have speculated about their pick. I'm guessing they're going to pick Madonna and finish off the job Kabbalah started.

19. 02:32
    

    Billy

    Yes, well, Rob, she was born and raised Catholic. Then she became a whore. But over the last decade, she has studied the Kabbalah. And she even wrote a Kabbalah's children's book.

20. 02:41
    

    Rob

    Oh, here come the Jews. Why don't we take a look downstairs?

21. 02:44
    

    Jewish Delegation Rep

    sticks today we the jewish people take lenny kravitz

22. 02:52
    

    Rob

    wow it's a prize move to do pick lenny kravitz folks he's actually half black and half jewish his mother was on the jeffersons a pivotal show in black culture and his father a jew was her lawyer

23. 03:08
    

    Dave

    couldn't make that up

24. 03:10
    

    Rob

    well lenny is all Jewish now. Unfortunately, Lenny can't make it here to accept he's in Miami Beach.

25. 03:18
    

    Dave

    Miami Beach? Well, he must have got that news about being Jewish early.

26. 03:23
    

    Rob

    Alright, the Latins are up now. Why don't we all take an escutche to their pick?

27. 03:28
    

    Latino Delegation Rep

    We the Latinos choose Elian Gonzalez.

28. 03:35
    

    Rob

    I I don't understand that one.

29. 03:40
    

    Latino Delegation Rep

    We wanted to do this before the white people tried to adopt him as one of their own. Again.

30. 03:45
    

    Rob

    Okay Okay, guess whose turn it is? White people. Let's see what direction they go in.

31. 03:54
    

    Rondell, Black Delegation Rep

    Halle Berry is still available, as is Mariah Carey's crazy ass.

32. 04:00
    

    White Delegation Rep

    Very mature, Rondell. Thank you all. Good afternoon. Excuse me. Pardon me. Hey, will you cut the malarkey? Okay, I'm talking. There's a white man talking up here.

33. 04:14
    

    White Delegation Rep

    So then, see ya.'all on the hour thank you damn it

34. 04:20
    

    White Delegation Rep

    we the white delegation are very proud to announce our pick this year colin powell

35. 04:30
    

    Billy

    colin powell is not right he's he's not even an eighth white he's 100 percent black

36. 04:36
    

    Rob

    wow i gotta wonder how the blacks are going to be taking this one

37. 04:42
    

    Rondell, Black Delegation Rep

    We, the black delegation, accept the white delegation's offer to draft Colin Powell on the condition that they also accept Condoleezza Rice as part of the deal.

38. 04:53

    Connolly.

39. 05:00
    

    White Delegation Rep

    Yes, sir, we need to buy white people everywhere. We accept. You got yourself a goddamn deal.

40. 05:11
    

    Rondell, Black Delegation Rep

    Black delegation request M&M.

41. 05:13
    

    White Delegation Rep

    Wait a goddamn minute, Rondell. That's not part of the bargain.

42. 05:16
    

    Rondell, Black Delegation Rep

    I'm a hustler, baby.

43. 05:17
    

    White Delegation Rep

    All right, well, no hustling me. I'm talking to the ultimate hustler. I tell you what, to make all things fair, if we keep Eminem, you get O.J. Simpson.

44. 05:27
    

    Rondell, Black Delegation Rep

    Shut up!

45. 05:29
    

    White Delegation Rep

    No, baby.

46. 05:31
    

    Rob

    Incredible. A first round absolutely chock full of surprises. Unbelievable. Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice now officially white. O.J., black again. What a day.

47. 05:43
    

    Rob

    You know, if black people didn't go to Venezuela, hey, they're picking a black person, I bet they would have picked Oprah.

48. 05:49
    

    Billy

    Oh, absolutely, Rob. Thick thighs, no felonies. She definitely would have been a great pick-up.

49. 05:54
    

    Rob

    Okay, the Chinese delegation is up next. Although they're the last, they've been waiting with zen-like patience.

50. 06:01
    

    Dave

    My guess is Yao Ming. He's been spending a lot of time with Blacks learning slang and shit-talking. If they're not careful, they might lose him.

51. 06:10
    

    Asian Delegation Rep

    The Asian delegation chooses... the RZA, the JZA,

52. 06:27
    

    Rob

    The Chinese delegation pulling a fast one and choosing the entire Wu-Tang Clan.

53. 06:38

    Self

    This is big for us, yo, because we've always been a fan of the kung fu, the Chinese culture and shit, so yo, it's like bong bong, you know?

54. 06:46

    Self

    Yeah, I want to remind everybody to diversify your bonds, and RZA got an announcement to make.

55. 06:51

    Self

    Oh, yeah. Yeah. Old Dirty has now changed its name from Dirt McGirt to the Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant.

56. 07:07

    Self

    Konichiwa, bitches.

57. 07:09
    

    Rob

    Folks, thanks for joining us on this incredible night. Our coverage ends here, but be sure to catch the rest on our website. Congratulations to all of the races, and konichiwa, bitches.

58. 07:22

    Thank you.