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Real Movies: Deep Impact
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Chappelle's Show restages the 1998 disaster film Deep Impact as a White House press conference. With an asteroid the size of Maine on course for Earth and a newspaper headline blaming the black president, Dave's commander in chief flatly denies any responsibility and then turns on the reporters with open contempt. Since nothing matters any more, he starts spilling secrets: a cure for AIDS the government has been sitting on for decades, three identical women named Paula whom he says were cloned in a laboratory and who sing on command, the real story of the Kennedy assassination and its literally magical bullet, and a confession about a notorious sex tape. Finally he brings out Bibble, a space creature he credits with every modern gadget, announces that the asteroid cannot be stopped, and departs on Bibble's spaceship with the three Paulas, leaving the country to its fate.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 6
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I have here in my hand the cure for AIDS. We've had this for 25 years.
That's right, the bullet was actually magical. Magic does exist.
I hope you all die in a fiery death when the meteor hits next Tuesday.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Rusty Cundieff
Director
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
The film being sent up, Deep Impact (1998), cast Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck, who breaks the news of the coming impact to the public; Dave's studio introduction to this segment, which is not part of the Comedy Central clip, points out that the movie had a black president.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
The President
Please be seated. Hello, America. As you all know, there's an asteroid the size of Maine speeding towards Earth as we speak.
- 00:13
The President
I'd like to take a moment out of the day to address the allegations that this is somehow my fault. Firstly, I'd like... Firstly, I'd like to say that these allegations are absolutely and 100% false.
- 00:31
The President
Secondly, and most importantly, I'd like to say that you motherf***ers disgust me. You're goddamn right I said it.
- 00:38
The President
If you knew just one of the things I was sworn to secrecy to, you would buckle under the goddamn pressure.
- 00:44
Reporter
Mr. President, Mr. President.
- 00:46
The President
Like what? How about this? I have here in my hand the cure for AIDS. We've had this for 25 years. Have a great weekend.
- 00:59
The President
Did I shock you? Are you crazy yet?
- 01:02
The President
Well, I have someone I'd like you to meet. Come on up here, Paula. Paula, America, I'd like you to meet my good friend, Paula. And here's Paula again. And here's Paula one more time.
- 01:15
The President
We cloned these three in a laboratory in Seattle some 19-odd years ago.
- 01:20
The President
Not only that, we added a pinch of black jeans so that they could do things like this. Hit it, girls.
- 01:26
Paula ?
Running through the raindrops, wishing that you would stop.
- 01:31
The President
That'll be enough. Thank you very much. All right, baby. Oh, hold on, Paula.
- 01:37
The President ?
Killed for AIDS. Sorry about last night. You Freaked out yet? Have I blown your mind? Or you think you can still handle my job?
- 01:46
The President ?
Because if you're cocky and you think that you got hold of this, I got some more information for you.
- 01:52
The President ?
Would you like to know who killed Kennedy?
- 01:53
Reporter ?
Yes. Who killed Kennedy?
- 01:55
The President
Ready for the truth, America? Here it comes.
- 01:59
The President
Oswald killed Kennedy. That's right. Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F. Kennedy alone and by himself with the magic bullet that's right the bullet was actually magical magic does exist we've known about this for some 2,000 years
- 02:15
The President
not finished yet I have some more information that might startle you the R Kelly sex tape that wasn't R Kelly it was me that's right I urinate on people when I have sex with them I'm a disgusting human being and I apologize to the people who I've hurt
- 02:31
The President
I bet you blew your mind right there, didn't I?
- 02:33
The President
Well, I'm really on a roll, and I don't care, because the world's gonna end any day now.
- 02:37
The President
So I might as well introduce you to a good friend of mine, Bibble. Bibble, come on up here.
- 02:42
Oh, my God! Is that a alien?
- 02:45
The President
America, this is... America, this is Bibble.
- 02:49
The President
Bibble is a space creature that lives very far away in a galaxy called Nebulon 5.
- 02:54
The President
And he is solely responsible for the wave of technology we've seen over the last few decades. Cell phones, pagers, PlayStation 1 and 2.
- 03:02
The President
You might think it was the Japanese who were responsible, but anyone in the know knows that it was Bibble for shizzle and all by Bibble because only Bibble can keep it so real.
- 03:13
The President
Hey, uh, Bibble, is the spaceship ready? You ready to get out of here?
- 03:19
The President
Okay, me and Bibble are about to leave, but before we go, I just want to say there's no hope for the planet Earth.
- 03:24
The President
There's no way to stop the asteroid, and you're all gonna die.
- 03:27
The President
Everyone except for me and, of course, Bibble, who's been so kind to let me accompany him on his spaceship, and I'm bringing those three cloned white women with me.
- 03:36
The President
Goodbye, America. I hope you all die in a fiery death when the meteor hits next Tuesday.
- 03:41
The President
Come on, Bibble, let's get out of here.
- 03:43
Oh, my God. The end of the world. Whoa!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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