The Single Issue Candidate

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:03
   

   Single Issue Candidate

   And so I've set up office in here and I'm going to run as an independent candidate for the Burdeson West seat.

2. 00:10

   Speaker 1

   People say single issue candidates are never a good thing for politics.

3. 00:14
   

   Single Issue Candidate

   Well, the needless installation of traffic lights at the deep bone roundabout is the single issue around which this whole community has rallied. If your MP had dealt with this single issue in the first place, there'd be no need for me to do this.

4. 00:26

   Speaker 1

   But let's say you win. You'll need to think about a whole lot more than the traffic lights at the deep bone roundabout.

5. 00:31
   

   Single Issue Candidate

   Well, I'll worry about that when I win.

6. 00:36
   

   Single Issue Candidate

   I cannae believe we've won. I was just hoping to make a point, really, but to have actually won just shows you the strength of feeling people have towards these utterly needless traffic lights at the deep bone roundabout, which it is now my job to have removed.

7. 00:55
   

   Constituent ?

   Now, I think the police are happy for them to hang around on the spare ground, but my house backs onto it and this gang are regularly smashing my windows and intimidating me.

8. 01:06
   

   Single Issue Candidate

   Right. And where is your house in relation to the Dekebone roundabout?

9. 01:10
   

   Constituent

   Nowhere near the Dekebone roundabout. I just told you where I lived.

10. 01:14
    

    Single Issue Candidate

    Well, is there some way you could get these boys onto the Dekebone roundabout?

11. 01:18
    

    Constituent

    What are you talking about?

12. 01:21
    

    Single Issue Candidate

    Like, put some Alka-Pops down for them as bait, lure them onto it, and then maybe I can help you.

13. 01:28
    

    Constituent

    Why should they need to be on that roundabout for you to help me?

14. 01:32
    

    Single Issue Candidate

    Well, I was elected on the Deepwater Roundabout issue. That's where my focus is. That's reality.

15. 01:38
    

    Single Issue Candidate

    I mean, nobody was expecting a hung parliament in the first place, but for the whole thing to hinge on me was just incredible.

16. 01:46

    Speaker 1

    What did the Prime Minister say to you?

17. 01:48
    

    Single Issue Candidate

    Oh, I didn't give him the chance to say anything. I just says, here are you, never mind saving your own backside. What about these traffic lights in the Deepwater Roundabout?

18. 01:55

    Speaker 1

    What did he say?

19. 01:57
    

    Single Issue Candidate

    He asked me to be the Foreign Secretary.

20. 02:04
    

    Single Issue Candidate

    Sorry Mr President, I'm choking on my rolling tot of scone here. Yes, I know the Middle East situation is very complex, but I feel we can solve it by taking the same approach as I'm taking to the Deep Mound roundabout. Are you aware of that particular chaos?

21. 02:19
    

    Single Issue Candidate

    I've come unfeasibly far in British politics and I suppose it's inevitable that the thing that got me where I am is the thing that finishes me off.

22. 02:28

    Speaker 1

    Is this breaking news?

23. 02:31
    

    Single Issue Candidate

    On the day I finally got the traffic lights at the Dekemoor roundabout removed, Billy Carr's daughter was driving round it in her brand new Punto. She stopped off way round expecting a red light. Forza Haber. Anyway, she took a bit of a bump and it caused £200 worth of damage. So I feel I've no option but to resign as the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

24. 02:58
    

    Single Issue Candidate ?

    I can't even fucking drive I can't even drive