Chris and Lachel: Altar Falter

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:02
   

   Pastor

   Do you, Chris, take Lachelle to be your lawfully wedded wife?

2. 00:07
   

   Chris

   Do I?

3. 00:11
   

   Pastor ?

   Okay. Okay, very cute. The answer, son, is I do.

4. 00:15
   

   Chris

   For sure. Look at her.

5. 00:17
   

   Pastor ?

   Sorry, you need to say the phrase, I do, just to make it legal.

6. 00:23
   

   Chris

   Oh, I got you. Ask me again.

7. 00:24
   

   Pastor

   Do you, Chris, take Lachelle to be your lawfully wedded wife?

8. 00:28
   

   Chris

   Don't I?

9. 00:29
   

   Pastor

   Not quite.

10. 00:30
    

    Chris

    I don't. Just kidding. Of course I can,

11. 00:32
    

    Lachel

    babe. Come on. Just say I do.

12. 00:35
    

    Chris

    Y'all ain't got to rush a nigga.

13. 00:37
    

    Pastor

    Look, we only have this place for 45 minutes, then they're having a house show.

14. 00:42
    

    Chris

    OK.

15. 00:43
    

    Lachel

    Look, babe, we're almost there, OK? You love me, right?

16. 00:47
    

    Chris

    Yeah, I got love for you, babe.

17. 00:49
    

    Lachel

    OK, then just say I do.

18. 00:51
    

    Chris

    All right. All right.

19. 00:53
    

    Chris ?

    d Da, da, da-da, boom, boom, da-da, bam, we good.

20. 01:01
    

    Pastor

    Bam, we ain't.

21. 01:02
    

    Lachel ?

    Chris, it's not hard to serve.

22. 01:04
    

    Chris

    I mean, it goes without saying.

23. 01:05
    

    Pastor ?

    It very much does not.

24. 01:07
    

    Chris

    All right. Hold on. Y'all hot? Is it hot? No. Yeah, it's just me. Whoo!

25. 01:13
    

    Lachel

    Chris, quit playing and just say it, goddammit.

26. 01:16
    

    Chris

    It, goddammit. Where y'all going?

27. 01:18
    

    Pastor

    Settle down. Settle down. I'll handle this. Now, young man, you got this. We're just going to slow it down. Do.

28. 01:26
    

    Chris

    Uh-huh.

29. 01:26
    

    Pastor

    You, Chris.

30. 01:27
    

    Chris

    Me, Chris.

31. 01:28
    

    Pastor

    Take Lachelle.

32. 01:29
    

    Chris

    I know her.

33. 01:29
    

    Pastor

    To be.

34. 01:30
    

    Chris

    She cool.

35. 01:31
    

    Pastor

    You're lawfully.

36. 01:31
    

    Chris

    I'm saying that.

37. 01:32
    

    Pastor

    Wedded.

38. 01:33
    

    Chris

    That's a funny word.

39. 01:34
    

    Pastor

    Wife.

40. 01:40
    

    Chris

    I mean, I flexed with her.

41. 01:41

    No way.

42. 01:43
    

    Chris

    Hard, though, heavy. I fucks with you. Baby, I fucks with you.

43. 01:46
    

    Pastor

    Son, son, if you don't say I do, you're going to lose your beautiful wife. Now, do you want to tap that ass tonight or not?

44. 01:53
    

    Chris

    I do.

45. 01:53

    I

46. 01:58
    

    Chris

    I do, do. Get back. You know I was playing, because I be playing like that. Just trying to get you in suspense.

47. 02:04
    

    Lachel

    Thank you, Pastor.

48. 02:05
    

    Pastor

    Oh, you need to thank Jesus, because that was nothing short of a miracle. Now, do you, Lachelle, take Chris to be your lawfully wedded husband?

49. 02:14
    

    Lachel

    I zipped.

50. 02:15
    

    Pastor

    Oh, that's great. To have and to hold.

51. 02:17
    

    Lachel

    Wait a minute. What's the difference between having and holding?

52. 02:20
    

    Pastor

    From this day forward.

53. 02:22
    

    Lachel

    Like this day or the day forward like tomorrow? Because it's already tomorrow in Japan if you think about it.

54. 02:27
    

    Pastor

    For better or for worse?

55. 02:29
    

    Lachel

    I mean, does anyone pick worse?

56. 02:31
    

    Pastor

    In for richer or for poorer?

57. 02:34
    

    Lachel

    Again, who are these people picking poorer?

58. 02:35
    

    Pastor

    In sickness or in health?

59. 02:37
    

    Lachel

    Uh, how sick? How he get sick? Is his throat itching? Because then I'm trying to understand why this think girl's throat is itching.

60. 02:43

    Whoo!

61. 02:43
    

    Pastor

    You, too. You deserve each other. Just be man and wife. You are pronounced.

62. 02:49

    Whoo!

63. 02:50
    

    Chris

    We heard that, baby.

64. 02:51

    We pronounced.

65. 02:52
    

    Chris

    We did it, girl.

66. 02:53
    

    Lachel

    We married.

67. 02:54

    Man, we did.

68. 02:54
    

    Chris

    This is black love right here.

69. 02:56

    That's right.

70. 02:57
    

    Lachel

    Thank you. Thank you. Bye!

71. 03:01

    Oh, shit. Here goes the prize.