Ruby Romaine Alien Abduction

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00
   

   Police Detective

   Name?

2. 00:02
   

   Ruby Romaine

   Ruby Romaine, like the lettuce.

3. 00:05
   

   Police Detective

   And what seems to be the trouble, Miss Romaine?

4. 00:08
   

   Ruby Romaine

   Well, I have a strange encounter that I thought I'd better report to the authorities.

5. 00:15
   

   Police Detective

   Go ahead.

6. 00:18
   

   Ruby Romaine

   OK, you're writing this down, right?

7. 00:20
   

   Police Detective

   I am writing this down.

8. 00:21
   

   Ruby Romaine

   I left the TV studio in the valley at about 821. I was working there with Mr. George Slaughter on some cockamamie comedy show. Okay. Bye, Ron.

9. 00:34

   Speaker 1 ?

   Nice working with you again.

10. 00:35
    

    Ruby Romaine ?

    Yeah. Keep it in your pants, okay? Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry.

11. 00:44
    

    Ruby Romaine

    It was a night just like any other. You know, it was nothing untoward. I said goodnight to those same old bunch of assholes. I got in my Buick and drove back over the hill. Well, now, from here on in, things started to go awry. I lit a pal-mal and put a little champagne music in the tape player. You You know, I had a fling with Lawrence Welk once.

12. 01:14
    

    Police Detective

    Uh, that's irrelevant.

13. 01:16
    

    Ruby Romaine

    It wasn't the Mrs. Welk. Huh, huh, huh, anywho. I I was enjoying the ride. You know, just minding my own beeswax. Well, all of a sudden I was blinded by a very bright light that kind of just exploded in front of me.

14. 01:42
    

    Ruby Romaine ?

    Here. Oh, my God. Whoa! This is a big one. Oh, Good God! Whoa! Whoa! The hell's going on? Now I'm trying my issue.

15. 02:16
    

    Ruby Romaine

    You must be one of those alien people. Want me to come with you? Okay. Hold on there, honey. Shall I take your hand? You know where you're going. Is my car going to be okay? Okay, what's going on? I was kind of trepidatious, but I followed this little flipper feet. Flippers is the best way I can describe it. It was over to a ramp that led up into the space saucer-shaped thing. And once we got inside, everything was like aluminum. It was only bathed in a phosphorescent glow. little greenie offered me a drink hey there's always a nice breaker with me hey good Oh, hey, that was pretty good, little greenie whatever it was i got a hell of a buzz out of it must have been moonshine so you have a beautiful home you know that and i noticed the picture of a tall green guy you know very imposing hanging on the wall and he was standing next next to some kind of flag or a pin, I guess he was the top alien back home. He was the mayor of the moon, you know, or whatever. Anywho. I turned around and there he was, this guy. And he was stepping out of this, like a dumb waiter kind of gizmo. It's you. Now, I've never run across any spaceman before, but you know, I know the side gear. He was a real lounge lizard. You know, it was a cross between Jean Barry and a cucumber. It's the best way to describe it. Yeah! Now, he was giving me the eye, you know? And then the little gherkin, he began to play some kind of weird organ thing. I couldn't figure it out. But I got the feeling Old Big Boy wants to dance. Yeah, he was thrusting his pelvis at me, that kind of thing. Stop it, I'll go with you. Oh, this is more like a... Like a cha-cha-cha or a rumba. Oh, we trekked the light ...for a while, and, uh, hell, we worked quite a warp vector. And, uh, eventually, I wound up on this, um... What's going on? ...aluminum barcode lounger type of thing. Ooh, that's nice. Full massage, huh? And he began to probe my galaxy. I feel pretty good, I tell you something. and tips just the little of those suppers twiddling away and then a boy he went where no man's gone before oh later little greenie walk me to my car well look at this it's beautiful and you know something while i was gone my car had been washed and simonized it was incredible

16. 06:03
    

    Ruby Romaine ?

    How be that? That a and

17. 06:07
    

    Ruby Romaine

    he goes back up the ramp gets back in the spaceship and flies away whoosh it was gone you know he may have been green and slimy but he sure knew how to treat a woman

18. 06:26
    

    Police Detective

    Yeah. Uh, tell me, Ms. Romaine, um, do you have some evidence that they existed? Did they give you anything?

19. 06:33
    

    Ruby Romaine

    Not even a hickey.

20. 06:36
    

    Police Detective

    Ms. Romaine, regulations require that I ask you this question.

21. 06:40
    

    Ruby Romaine

    Okay.

22. 06:41
    

    Police Detective

    Are you sure that this was not a fantasy, that he didn't just dream the whole thing?

23. 06:47
    

    Ruby Romaine

    What? I know you have to ask this kind of thing, because this is a high-level investigation, all right? But no. No. As sure as God made little green apples, this was 100% real.

24. 07:00
    

    Police Detective

    I see. Well, don't worry about a thing. First thing in the morning, I'm going to take care of this.

25. 07:07
    

    Ruby Romaine ?

    All right. Okay, okie-dokie. This could be quite a little career boost for you.

26. 07:14
    

    Police Detective

    Oh, that'd be great.

27. 07:17
    

    Ruby Romaine

    So long.

28. 07:18
    

    Police Detective

    So long, Ms. Romaine.