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Giant Death Ray

That Mitchell and Webb Look 2009 Season 3 Episode 2

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Visiting a secret government-funded laboratory, the President and his army major are dazzled by Professor Death's terrifying-looking inventions, until the professor insists every one of them exists purely to help mankind.

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The premise

Here’s the bit.

Caught celebrating a breakthrough in his hangar workshop, Professor Death is surprised by the President and Major Agnew, who have come to see what the country's secret research money has bought. He unveils the Giant Death Ray with great ceremony, only for its laser to scan a tin of peaches and record the price. When the President politely asks why anyone would give such a gadget that name, and the Major wonders whether a stronger beam might have a military use, the professor smashes the machine rather than see it turned to war, declaring that he is a man of science whose work is meant for good. Reassured that his guests only want peaceful applications, he proudly reveals a laser-armed mechanical Scorpion of Death designed to help convenience-store staff stack shelves, and wrecks that too at the first mention of the military. The routine repeats with an unlimited power bomb, a jar of mind-controlling death ants and a doom melon, each ominous creation earnestly defended as a gift to humanity.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 3

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Behold, then, the giant death ray!

Forgive me, Mr. President, but I am a man of science, not of war.

And the sting? Fires helpful bullets.

Behind the scenes

The people who made it.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

Online copies of this sketch circulate under the titles "Professor Death" and "Dr. Death".

ScriptEnglish · 47 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:08
Professor Death
It it works professor It works!
00:27
Major Agnew
Professor? you should not be here this is private property
00:30
Professor Death
mr president i'm so sorry
00:36
Mr. President
ah good evening professor this is major agnew major agnew professor
00:41
Professor Death
mr president this is indeed an honor i had no idea
00:44
Mr. President
well our country's been pouring a lot of money into this secret research of yours i thought we should find out what we've been paying for
00:51
Professor Death
indeed it so happens you are here We are just in time, Mr. President, Major Agnew. I do not think you will be disappointed. Behold, then, the giant death ray!
01:01
Major Agnew
well I'll Well, I'll be... Professor, is that a laser?
01:14
Professor Death
Yes, Major Agnew, the giant death ray is indeed a laser. And now perhaps you would be so good as to place this simple tin of peaches into the path of my laser's beam.
01:24
Major Agnew
What?
01:26
Mr. President
Do it, Major.
01:27
Professor Death
Please. The gentlemen the price of those peaches has just been ascertained electronically. and it's stored in the information banks of my giant death ray. I thank you. Any questions?
01:49
Major Agnew
Well, one question that obviously leaps to mind, Professor... Uh, Professor... Death. Professor Death, is why on Earth you were elected to name this contraption of yours the giant death ray... Oh, I see. Professor Death.
02:03
Professor Death
Mr. President.
02:04
Mr. President
I have a question. This laser of yours...
02:08
Professor Death
Death ray, yes.
02:09
Mr. President
If you were to increase the intensity of its beam...
02:12
Professor Death
Intensity, yes. Yes?
02:13
Mr. President
Could your death ray not also be used to...
02:16
Professor Death
Perform delicate eye surgery? Yes!
02:19
Mr. President
No, what I'm asking, Professor, is might this death ray of yours not also have some, well, some military application?
02:30
Professor Death
A giant death ray? A military application?
02:35
Mr. President
Yeah.
02:38
Professor Death
Oh. Oh, yes, of course. A military application. Yes. Why, I'll just go and check.
02:49
Mr. President
No! Professor Death! Professor, you're destroying it!
02:53
Professor Death
Forgive me, Mr. President, but I am a man of science, not of war. I intended to die a death ray to be used for good, not evil.
03:00
Mr. President
Okay.
03:00
Professor Death
To help mankind, not destroy it.
03:03
Mr. President
Please, Professor, stop. I understand. Please, Professor Death.
03:08
Professor Death
Thank you.
03:10
Mr. President
Okay, so what else can you show us?
03:13
Professor Death
To be used for good?
03:15
Mr. President
Absolutely. None of that evil use. Good uses, yes.
03:19
Professor Death
Very well. It was my intention to help mankind further, Mr. President, Major Agnew, by affixing the giant death ray to this, the armored scorpion of death. Behold!
03:35
Mr. President
All Why, by all that's...
03:45
Professor Death
That's behind the camera. Placed behind the counter of any local convenience store, the armored scorpion of death's claws not merely aids the stacking of high shelves, but also easily facilitates the movement of household goods through shoulder-mounted beams maintained by its triangular red eyes. And the sting? Fires helpful bullets.
04:13
Mr. President
Major.
04:15
Major Agnew
Well, of course, Mr. President, the military applications of such a device...
04:19
Professor Death
No!
04:19
Mr. President
Professor!
04:22
Professor Death
Forgive me, Mr. President, but I created the laser-fitted armored scorpion of death to help mankind, not to destroy it!
04:30
Major Agnew
What's this unlimited power bomb? Ah, now that...
04:33
Professor Death
No! I'm on to you, Major Agnew. Yeah, I got your number. This bomb was created to help mankind, not destroy.
04:41
Major Agnew
And this? Mind-controlling death ants.
04:44
Professor Death
No! The mind-controlling death ants were created to help mankind, not destroy it.
04:50
Major Agnew
Doom melon?
04:51
Professor Death
No! The doom melon? Still needs some work.