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Bond Villain: Evil Plans
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
A blindfolded builder, Ryan Cooch, is led into a supervillain's dim, book-lined lair, where his host, who refuses to be on first-name terms, explains in florid language that he wants an entire wall to spin on its axis when a lever disguised as a celebrity memoir is pulled. Cooch points out that it is a load-bearing wall and that turning it with the fire still lit would fill the room with smoke, then lists the decommissioned fireplace, hazard edging and warning signs that health and safety would demand. Exasperated, the villain settles for trapdoors under every chair dropping into a tank of piranhas, and Cooch cheerfully promises to have them done by Tuesday.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
It must be there, yet not there.
I can't revolve the chimney, mate. It's down to health and safety.
Well, I want them under each of these seats, with chutes leading down to a tank full of ravenous piranhas.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
David Kerr
Director
Gareth Edwards
Producer
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
The sketch is the first half of a two-part story; the villain's trapdoors return later in the same episode, when their safety features get in the way.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Supervillain
Forgive the blindfold, Mr Cooch. An unfortunate necessity, I fear. I bid you welcome to the new headquarters of my organisation.
- 00:12
Ryan Cooch
Yeah, very nice. Call me Ryan.
- 00:14
Supervillain
Alas, I abhor informality. To business. Permit me to outline for you, if I may, the amusements I wish you to realise for me. This wall, for example, a sturdy and unyielding wall, wouldn't you say? But what I require, Mr Cooch, is a cunning mechanism whereby pressure applied to a lever camouflaged as, shall we say, this volume of Miss Katie Price's Being Jordan, will rotate the entire wall to reveal on its dexter side... Well, that need not concern you. Is that clear?
- 00:56
Ryan Cooch
You want it not through?
- 00:59
Supervillain
No, you misapprehend me. The wall must remain, yet rotate. It must be there, yet not there.
- 01:07
Ryan Cooch
You want a hatch?
- 01:09
Supervillain
No, no, Mr Cooch, not a hatch. I wish for the entire wall to rotate. Turn upon its axis. roundy round
- 01:21
Ryan Cooch ?
why
- 01:23
Supervillain ?
I just do
- 01:25
Ryan Cooch
all right well can't be done I'm afraid this is a low bearing wall
- 01:30
Supervillain
nevertheless
- 01:31
Ryan Cooch ?
knowing if it was this wall that you wanted to what
- 01:34
Supervillain ?
rotate
- 01:35
Ryan Cooch ?
is it
- 01:35
Supervillain ?
yes yes
- 01:36
Ryan Cooch ?
rotate well it'll be a huge job but I think there's a way you do it
- 01:40
Supervillain
well somewhat less impressive but But the roaring fire lends a certain je ne sais quoi.
- 01:49
Ryan Cooch
No, the fire would have to go.
- 01:50
Supervillain
By no means. It is integral to the effect that the fire burns merrily in the grate as the wall turns.
- 01:58
Ryan Cooch
Look, mate, if you rotate a wall with a burning fire in it, the effect that you'll get is a room full of smoke. I can't revolve the chimney, mate. It's down to health and safety.
- 02:08
Supervillain ?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, mm-hmm.
- 02:11
Supervillain
Forgive my levity, Mr. Cooch, but when When you come to know me better, you will learn that neither health nor safety are among my primary concern.
- 02:22
Ryan Cooch
Look, if you want to rotate this wall, here's what you need to do. Fireplace decommissioned, yellow and black edging around all moving sections, clear, well-lit signage saying, "'Warning, this wall may revolve.'"
- 02:34
Supervillain
I begin to find you tiresome, Mr. Cooch.
- 02:38
Ryan Cooch
Don't get personal, mate. It's not me with a bonkers interior designer.
- 02:41
Supervillain ?
Look, if not a revolving wall, then how about a nice, simple trapdoor?
- 02:49
Ryan Cooch ?
Trapdoor? Er, yeah. Yeah, that sounds possible.
- 02:55
Supervillain
Excellent. Well, I want them under each of these seats, with chutes leading down to a tank full of ravenous piranhas.
- 03:03
Ryan Cooch
Fair enough. We'll have that done by Tuesday.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from That Mitchell and Webb Look.
