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COPS: Blood Bank Break-in
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Shot as a parody of the reality series COPS, the sketch follows Officer Jones of Casper County, Wyoming, who answers a call about suspicious activity at the community blood bank. The van he stops is driven by a fanged Dracula who passes off her teeth as clear braces, and its passengers turn out to be Frankenstein's monster, a wolfman and a bandaged mummy who insist they are just roommates. Jones mishears "mummy" as "mommy" and lectures the group about respecting the women who raised them, fusses over the wolfman like a stray dog, and finally discovers the empty blood bags, which he scolds them about as sugary juice pouches before sending everyone home. Alone in his cruiser he congratulates himself on a quiet night, while the monsters toast a birthday with their stolen blood under a full moon.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 5
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
This is not just a mommy. This is a woman who brought you into this world.
Try some fruit. Nature's candy.
Must be the moon or something.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Michael Christian
Writer
Jake Van Wagoner
Director
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
This sketch aired in Studio C's 2022 Halloween special "Ha Ha Halloween" (Season 16, Episode 5). The Studio C fan wiki lists it under the title "Monsters Have a Run-in with the Police."
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:05
Officer Jones
I became an officer because I wanted to give back to the community. You never know what crazy stuff's gonna go down, especially at night.
- 00:15
All units, suspicious activity at the Blood Bank at Main and Fifth Avenue.
- 00:19
Officer Jones
10-4. I'm already here. Let's rock and roll. How we doing tonight?
- 00:29
Dracula ?
Oh, uh, just coming home from work.
- 00:32
Officer Jones
Hmm. License and registration?
- 00:34
Dracula ?
Of course. Let me just... There you go.
- 00:42
Officer Jones
What the heck is this supposed to be?
- 00:44
Dracula ?
Uh, let me explain. Those schools at the DMV keep changing the forms on me.
- 00:51
Officer Jones
But it, uh, it all looks good, so I guess you... Wait. What's up with your teeth?
- 00:59
Dracula ?
I, uh, I have those clear braces.
- 01:01
Officer Jones
No. Something's not checking out here. because those things are straight as an arrow. Congrats. All right, well, here's this, and you're free to go. You got some friends in here? All right, everyone out of the vehicle. Look at this motley crew. What's the relationship here? How do you know each other?
- 01:34
Good.
- 01:35
Officer Jones
Well, which is it, big boy?
- 01:39
Roommates.
- 01:41
Officer Jones
Okay, let me explain something to you dingbats right here and right now. be careful mixing work and family all right it's a recipe for disaster i've seen it a hundred times so be careful whoa what's up with this guy uh requesting a ambulance at my location for a badly bandaged uh limping individual
- 02:02
Dracula ?
they're fine it's just a mommy
- 02:05
Officer Jones
just a mommy okay this has gone You've gone on long enough, all right? I'm about to drop the hammer on you guys. Okay, this is not just a mommy. This is a woman who brought you into this world. And we respect our mommies. Yeah, well, I'm a father too, so, yeah. When my kids ask me how I'm doing, they say, oh, he's fine, he's just daddy. But I'm not just daddy. I'm a full human being, am I right?
- 02:34
Yes, we are all full human beings.
- 02:37
Officer Jones
Thank you. Well, you guys get going home, okay? Whoa! Whoa! What? I love dogs. Oh, you come here. Oh, it's a good boy. Yeah. Oh, it's a good boy. Oh, it's a good boy. All right, well, technically, this guy should be on a leash, but, uh, that'll be our little secret.
- 02:58
Yes, our one secret.
- 03:02
Officer Jones
All right, well, uh, I got to get going. Uh, you folks be safe.
- 03:06
Thank you. you.
- 03:12
Officer Jones
What? I knew something was going on here. Hey, get back here. Yeah, I caught you all red-handed. Busted. All right? Just look at all these juice pouches. Empty calories, you guys. You got a sweet tooth? Hmm? Try some fruit. Nature's candy. Fibers, nutrients. Mommy, I need you to take the lead on this one, okay?
- 03:38
Yeah.
- 03:40
Officer Jones
Teach him to eat good.
- 03:42
Okay. All right.
- 03:44
Dracula ?
Well, you've certainly given us much to think about. We should probably get going.
- 03:49
Officer Jones
All right, well... Goodbye. Clean this up. Take care.
- 03:58
Officer Jones
Well, well, well. It is fortunate that they had a parental figure with them. You know, a bunch of rowdy folks like that on a night like this, who knows what trouble they could have gotten into. Must be the moon or something. I just hope they make it home safe. You know?
- 04:17
Dracula ?
Thank you, guys, for this best birthday ever.
- 04:20
Thanks for watching, and happy Halloween! Like video! Comment below your blood type. Like video! And like video.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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