Riverdale

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:02
   

   Rick

   All right, I hope you people like pressure because we are shooting the season finale of Riverdale. All right, we are in a morgue, and Betty has come to identify her cousin's body with Jughead. The sadness is palpable.

2. 00:15
   

   Betty

   Got it.

3. 00:16
   

   Rick

   All right, now let's make some Dale.

4. 00:20
   

   Clapper Operator

   Riverdale, episode 57, Text Me Deadly, rolling.

5. 00:24
   

   Rick

   And action!

6. 00:26
   

   Betty

   Oh, Devin, I wanted to be the queen bae of this job hive, But now all I want is to have my cousin back. I love you.

7. 00:37
   

   Jughead

   You'll always be in your heart.

8. 00:41
   

   Rick

   Okay, hold it. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Actor on the gurney, are you all right?

9. 00:46
   

   Lionel Rogers

   Oh, yes, I'm good if you're good.

10. 00:49
    

    Rick

    While I'm not good, what were those sounds?

11. 00:52
    

    Lionel Rogers

    Oh, just everyday corp sounds. You know, the usual hisses and moans you get from gas escaping the body. I'm sorry, Lionel Rogers. I play corpses. So I've been dead, what, two, three days?

12. 01:04
    

    Rick

    Yeah, sure.

13. 01:05
    

    Lionel Rogers

    Great, so I'd still be releasing a lot of gas, right? I'll give you some groans, some toots, so you'll have options.

14. 01:11
    

    Rick

    All right, we're going again with no sounds from the corpse.

15. 01:15
    

    Lionel Rogers

    Ah, I see. So you want this to be a totally inaccurate depiction of a dead body.

16. 01:20
    

    Rick

    Yeah, exactly.

17. 01:21
    

    Betty

    Rick, can we go again before I lose the feeling?

18. 01:23
    

    Rick

    Yes, yes, Lilly. Let's pick up where we left off, please.

19. 01:26
    

    Lionel Rogers

    The fox ran into the volcano.

20. 01:30
    

    Rick

    I hope that's not a vocal exercise because you will not be speaking. All right, now, on your marks, get set, act.

21. 01:39
    

    Betty

    Jughead, I was an A1 river vixen, but now it feels like nothing matters.

22. 01:44
    

    Jughead

    Betty, death is the wisest teacher in Riverdale.

23. 01:56
    

    Archie

    Jughead, you betrayed me.

24. 01:58
    

    Rick

    Stop it!

25. 01:59
    

    Betty

    Frank, I'm sorry. I know that was me. I was plotting that.

26. 02:03
    

    Rick

    No, it was not you, Lilly. There was a man ridiculously violently thrashing next to you.

27. 02:10
    

    Lionel Rogers

    Oh, um, you said to make any sound. I was just convulsing the way a normal corpse would with no means to expel gas.

28. 02:17
    

    Rick

    All right. That's it. I want you out of here right now.

29. 02:21
    

    Jughead

    I don't know, Rick. It sounds like this guy did his research.

30. 02:24
    

    Lionel Rogers

    I did, I did. I lived in a morgue for three months.

31. 02:28
    

    Rick

    Why?

32. 02:28
    

    Lionel Rogers

    It just sort of worked out for me, rent-wise.

33. 02:32
    

    Betty

    Rick, I'm kind of digging the authenticity.

34. 02:35
    

    Rick

    People, trust me. When I have finished weaving this episode of the Dale, all eyes will be on the hot teens and their steamy antics, not the corpse. Now, please, no moans, no spasms, no movement, and action!

35. 02:51
    

    Lionel Rogers

    And cut. Look, let me just make sur I understand what you want, because you, sir, are a terrible director. This woman lost our cousin.

36. 02:58
    

    Rick

    Yes.

37. 02:59
    

    Lionel Rogers

    And she's so overcome by grief and she doesn't notice he's the only corpse in the history of the world that isn't moaning and jerking around.

38. 03:05
    

    Rick

    No.

39. 03:06
    

    Lionel Rogers

    So is it the idea that she has brain damage?

40. 03:08
    

    Betty

    Uh, yeah, Rick. It seems pretty weird. I wouldn't notice that my dead cousin isn't moving.

41. 03:13
    

    Jughead

    Yeah, he does have a point.

42. 03:15
    

    Rick

    Fine. I give up. Failure for me is like slipping on an old coat. You all do what you want. Roll film.

43. 03:23
    

    Clapper Operator

    This isn't film.

44. 03:24
    

    Betty

    My poor, sweet Devin.

45. 03:30
    

    Jughead

    What a cousin.

46. 03:31
    

    Lionel Rogers

    Yeah!

47. 03:32
    

    Jughead

    Death is sad, Betty.

48. 03:35
    

    Lionel Rogers

    Avenge me!