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Church Chat: Satan
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
The Church Lady welcomes Pat Robertson to Church Chat and challenges his attempt to separate his presidential campaign from his televangelist past. His cheerful denials and increasingly outlandish theories earn him a seat away from her desk.
Jimmy Swaggart arrives sobbing and apologizing, but the host keeps pressing him for details of his scandal and reminds him how harshly he judged another preacher. Robertson insists that George Bush is behind it all while Swaggart keeps declaring his own guilt. The Church Lady puts Swaggart through a punitive visualization exercise, then tries to lift everyone’s spirits with a children’s singalong and her triumphant dance.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Well, isn't that special?
Could it be Satan?
It was not Satan. It was George Bush.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Speaker 1
And now it's time for Church Chat.
- 00:04
Church Lady
Battle down. All right, hello, I'm the church lady, and this is Church Chat. Well, there's been so much going on. We have so much to talk about tonight, so let's just get right to it. All righty. My first guest is the Reverend Pat Robertson, a former Christian broadcaster whose memory's gotten just a little bit fuzzy about his role as a televangelist.
- 00:32
Church Lady
Just who is Patrick? Presidential candidate or Satan worshiper? You'll be the judge. Welcome, Patrick.
- 00:43
Pat Robertson
Thank you, church lady, for letting me come on your show and settle it once and for all. I'm a presidential candidate and not a televangelist.
- 01:05
Church Lady
Well, have we ever heard of a little thing called the 700 Club?
- 01:09
Pat Robertson
club? Well, that show was basically a Judeo-Christian news show.
- 01:21
Pat Robertson
And I was more a telejournalist than I ever was an evangelist.
- 01:31
Church Lady
So, we just put the electoral college right ahead of the Bible college, don't we? Just push Jesus aside and go right for the Satan vote.
- 01:38
Pat Robertson
Well, The issue is really not my religion. It's leadership.
- 01:45
Pat Robertson
You see, we learn the whereabouts of those TWA hostages and all about those Soviet missiles in Cuba, but no one chooses to believe me.
- 01:59
Church Lady
And what else do we think we know, Pat?
- 02:04
Pat Robertson
Well, there is just so much that we aren't told about Afghanistan and the UFOs or or the fact the fact that Hitler's brain is being kept alive in Paraguay
- 02:18
Church Lady
well isn't that special I think we need some quiet time why don't we just scooch on down and think about what we said and if we made any sense at all we like ourselves don't we Patrick okay let's just calm Calm down. Okay, now it's time for my next guest, who is also, coincidentally, a former televangelist who's had a very exciting week.
- 02:54
Church Lady
And I'm sure he'll have lots and lots of good things to share with us. Please welcome the Reverend Jimmy Swaggart.
- 03:02
Jimmy Swaggart
I am a sinner, and against you.
- 03:29
Church Lady
Wow, what a news flash. Now you just relax, Jimmy. No one's going to judge you. Let's just, Jimmy, Jimmy, look at me. Look at me. Jimmy, look at me. young man look at me now we we've been naughty haven't we let's just start right from the beginning what happened you're getting a little little little gooey stuff on my desk
- 03:53
Jimmy Swaggart
church lady I'm not going to white Washington I let my church down and I let my family down
- 04:02
Church Lady
and then we let something else down like our trousers
- 04:04
Jimmy Swaggart
now we never had intercourse the only thing that took place were pornographic acts
- 04:19
Church Lady
so we didn't fornicate how convenient i'm sorry maybe i'm just old-fashioned maybe i don't watch mtv but what exactly are pornographic acts
- 04:31
Jimmy Swaggart
they are grievous chasms of torturous hellfire sin
- 04:36
Church Lady
I see. And exactly whose chasm were we standing in?
- 04:45
Jimmy Swaggart
Debbie's.
- 04:47
Church Lady
Debbie. Well, I see we remember her name. And who could have led us into that chasm, Jimmy? Who was behind the wheel of our Lincoln Town car when we drove into the Crazy 8 Motel? Who could it be? Who could it be? I just can't imagine. Who could it be?
- 05:08
Pat Robertson
Church lady, it was not Satan. It was George Bush. bush. He's behind the whole thing.
- 05:16
Church Lady
Dip it, Pat. Clamp it down. Give Mr. Mouth a rest. Here we're closing. There, we're happy.
- 05:22
Church Lady
Now, now, Jimmy, you dabbed away. Don't, don't let me stop. You just dab, dab, dab. Now, during, during the PTL scandal, what was it? I forgot. What was it that you called Jim Baker?
- 05:33
Jimmy Swaggart
I said Jim Baker was a cancer on the body of the church.
- 05:38
Church Lady
Well, what's that make us, as a pious pastoral.
- 05:41
Jimmy Swaggart
Church lady, I know I've fallen from my lofty perch, and I'm asking your forgiveness.
- 05:48
Church Lady
Oh, what do we want to be forgiven for? I just can't, oh, oh, I remember. We want to be forgiven for checking into a motel with a prostitute who danced naked on the dresser while we sat in bed with little Jimmy out of his pulpit. Hey, we're sorry, how convenient.
- 06:13
Pat Robertson
Church lady, I think you're being a little tough on Jimmy. I mean, he is a victim, a political victim of the vice president.
- 06:22
Jimmy Swaggart
I'm not a victim. I'm a sinner.
- 06:29
I'm a sinner. I'm a sinner. You are needing a forgiveness.
- 06:36
Church Lady
Boys, boys, boys. Excuse me. I hate to break up this little love fest, but we've got a show to do. Forgive me for interrupting. Oh, I'm sorry. That's not your strong suit, forgiveness.
- 06:50
Church Lady
Well, now, Jimmy, I understand you're going to go through a little rehabilitation. Now, I would like to start you right now with a little church chat rehabilitation of my own. All right? So give me your hand. Give me your hand. There you go. Close your eyes, okay? Now, Jimmy, let's imagine a nice pair of hot, tingling bulbous buttocks, okay? They're practically on fire. Can you see them?
- 07:11
Jimmy Swaggart
Yes.
- 07:11
Church Lady
They're thrusting and releasing, thrusting and releasing.
- 07:14
Jimmy Swaggart
Yes, thrusting and releasing.
- 07:16
Church Lady
Yes, are we thinking about it?
- 07:17
Jimmy Swaggart
Yes.
- 07:17
Church Lady
Stop! It's too bad I wasn't at the Crazy 8 Motel to do that.
- 07:22
Jimmy Swaggart
Thank you, church lady. I deserve that.
- 07:25
Church Lady
Too bad. Well, you know, maybe we've been a little harsh on you, Jimmy. You know, when I'm down, when things aren't going too well in my life, I like to sing just a little song to cheer me up. Pat, you want to join in? Pearl, can we have the music, please?
- 07:40
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're happy and you know it, then your life will surely show it. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
- 07:53
Church Lady
Come on, Jimmy, you're not joining in.
- 07:57
If you're happy and you know it, say amen. Amen! If you're happy and you know it, say amen. Amen!
- 08:04
Church Lady
Take it, Jimmy.
- 08:05
Jimmy Swaggart
If you're happy and you know it, then you know it, you know it. If you're happy and you know, say amen.
- 08:11
Church Lady
Well, I think we all feel better. Hit it, Pearl.
- 08:21
Speaker 1
This is Bigfoot. in Church Chat with the Church Lady.
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