Scary Halloween Cold Open (ft. David S. Pumpkins)

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:01
   

   Carly

   Oh Oh, man. I heard this is the scariest ride at life. Fright Nights. I low-key might pass out.

2. 00:13

   Passenger

   You've threatened to pass out on nearly every ride so far, Carly, so either just do it or don't. Just stop talking about it, please.

3. 00:21
   

   Ride Guide

   Welcome. I'll be your ghoulish guide through this creepy crypt which houses history's most heinous homicidal haunts. And away we go. Hold on to your headstones. We've arrived at our first tomb insane.

4. 00:40

   Lizzie Borden dressed in red swung her ax and chopped off my head.

5. 00:50
   

   Carly ?

   Okay, that was insane. I'm literally gonna pass out

6. 00:54

   Passenger ?

   pass out then

7. 00:57
   

   Ride Guide

   Our tour of terrors just begun and the next gruesome grave is dead

8. 01:05

   Yes,

9. 01:12
   

   David S. Pumpkins

   What's good? I'm David Parker! And I'm going to freak you out! Any questions?

10. 01:53

    Yes, who are you? Okay

11. 01:57
    

    David S. Pumpkins

    DAVID PUMPKINS, MAN!

12. 02:01

    and David pumpkins is

13. 02:06
    

    David S. Pumpkins ?

    Halloween guy

14. 02:07

    and the skeletons are

15. 02:12

    Skeleton ?

    next to him.

16. 02:15

    Why are you on this ride?

17. 02:18
    

    Donald Trump ?

    Two words. Midterms.

18. 02:23

    Boom. Boom.

19. 02:25
    

    Donald Trump

    It's me, Donald Trump. You're one true god. Pausing SNL skit yet again. Aw, are you sad you don't get to see your third David Pumpkin scene? I'll save you four minutes. He keeps popping up and confusing the people on the ride. The end. But you know, You know, I actually have a lot in common with Mr. Pumpkins. We both appeared in 2016, we're both very loud, very orange, and very, frankly, annoying. But we love Tom Hanks, look at him back there, good acting. Great ass. He's a great ass on Hanks, that's something I've been doing lately, admiring men's asses. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just that I might be gay. They're calling it gay dementia. Dementia, short for dementia. Show me their butts. Wow, that's actually pretty creative. Also, I've been making odd noises. Uh. Remember that? What the hell was that? Probably soul trying to leave body. Uh. Uh-oh, the sound just dropped. It's probably fine. if you were cool with the Epstein stuff you're probably fine with but the midterms are on Tuesday and the polls say we're doing very badly oh oh oh and they're saying Texas is turning purple just like my hand and if it goes blue then just like my hand I will leave it for dead we can't let that happen so you gotta vote for that awful Ken Paxton god what an ugly son of a a bitch. I hate that guy. I hate Kid Paxton, but you gotta vote for him because we can't have this Talafreka, who is frankly much better looking, and wow, what a dynamite ass on Talafreka. It's like a pillowcase full of cobras back there. Things that make you go, oh. look Look at them. They're still frozen back there. They have to stay there the whole time. I don't. Of course not, Keenan.

20. 04:31
    

    Ride Guide ?

    and uh yes why not yeah

21. 04:34
    

    Donald Trump

    hey by the way thank you for that donation that was really generous

22. 04:37
    

    Ride Guide ?

    yeah you wish

23. 04:38
    

    Donald Trump

    looking for bobby morning back there he flew in for this thanks for shaving bobby riblet Ribley! riblet smells like pepper in this pizzeria oh no he had a great fish and tom's still back there but wait, if he's here, who's narrating World War II documentary? You know who it should be? My new friend and future press secretary, the late, great Nicki Minaj.

24. 05:13
    

    Nicki Minaj

    It's What's up, it's Nicki Minaj. I'm out here killing it, and by it, I mean my career. I'm Nicki the Trumpy. Like, I don't even know why you Democrats bother at this point. Like, give it up. It's me. And black bitches like me, it's hard to come by.

25. 05:37
    

    Donald Trump

    thank you nikki she's got quite an ass if only it were on a man perhaps then i could admire so happy halloween and remember to vote republican because if these democrats win and they get all that power they will do nothing just like the last time but now it's time to say the big line and start the show and i'd like to give someone a chance to redeem herself myself, my former press secretary, Katie Zachariah. Come on out, Katie.

26. 06:09
    

    Katie Zacharia ?

    With confidence. Live... Live from New York. And from so many cities.

27. 06:19
    

    Donald Trump

    No, no, no, you whiffed it. Tom, why don't you take this one?

28. 06:24

    What?

29. 06:24
    

    David S. Pumpkins ?

    from New York! It's Saturday Night Live!