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Queen Mary Ghosts
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
At the last stop of a Ghosts of the Queen Mary tour, guide Pete leads his group onto the haunted promenade deck, where tourist Alan keeps mistaking his own pale wife for a ghost. When Pete calls on the spirits, a young tourist makes contact with a wealthy heiress who died aboard in the 1930s and hid her priceless diamonds on the ship. Each time she is about to reveal the location, two overexcited ghost children in striped bathing suits burst in begging everyone to come swimming, with pool rings, a talented sister and finally their father's much-hyped swimming costume. After every ghost wanders off to the pool, the tourist works out how they all died: none of them knew how to swim. Alan then spots one more glowing apparition, which turns out to be his wife.
The funny people
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Highly quotable.
This creepy woman next to me is so pale, she must be dead.
Yeah, but I didn't hear her because these super happy 1930s blonde kids were inviting me to go swimming.
Well, everyone left to go swimming, but I think I know how they all died.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
This aired on SNL's October 31, 2026 Halloween episode hosted by Inde Navarrette. The real Queen Mary, a 1930s ocean liner now docked in Long Beach, California, is famous for its reported hauntings and ghost tours.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Pete
All right, folks, we come to the last stop on our Ghosts of the Queen Mary tour. This is the famous promenade deck, okay, which is said to be the most haunted area on the ship. Ooh.
- 00:13
Alan
Um, sir, I think I see a ghost. This creepy woman next to me is so pale, she must be dead.
- 00:20
Speaker 1 ?
Hey, you know I'm not dead, Alan. I'm your wife.
- 00:25
Pete
Okey-dokey. Well, many people claim to have seen the spirits of passengers from the 1930s wandering this deck at night. Let's see if we can make contact. To any spirits here, we ask that you make yourself known.
- 00:40
Tourist ?
Wait, wait, I think I see something.
- 00:46
Heiress ghost
Young man, my name is Judith Hollands and I have secrets to reveal.
- 00:54
Tourist
Her name's Judith Hollands and she has secrets to reveal.
- 00:58
Pete ?
Judith Hollands, that was a wealthy heiress who died on the Queen Mary in the 30s. They say she hid her priceless diamonds on board. Oh, shh. She's saying something.
- 01:08
Heiress ghost
If you wish to find my hidden treasure, listen close. First, you must go...
- 01:14
Ghost boy ?
Hey! Hi. I'm going swimming at the pool.
- 01:21
Tourist ?
Okay.
- 01:23
Ghost boy ?
I'm gonna swim and jump and do different dives. Come swimming. Come on. My sister's coming, too. Look. Look! Hi! Yes? We're going swimming in the pool! Yes! Come with us! Yes! Come on! The pool is this way! Come on! Come with us! Come on! We're going swimming! Yes! Come on! Come on with us!
- 01:43
Heiress ghost
And that is where my treasure lies.
- 01:47
Pete ?
Did she tell you where her diamonds are?
- 01:50
Tourist
Yeah, but I didn't hear her because these super happy 1930s blonde kids were inviting me to go swimming.
- 01:59
Alan ?
Well, ask her to tell you again, man.
- 02:01
Tourist
Okay, uh, uh, Ms. Hollins, can you repeat that?
- 02:05
Heiress ghost
Yes, but we must hurry. My time in this realm is fleeting. To find my treasure, go to the big...
- 02:12
Ghost boy ?
Look! Look! Rings! Rings! We're bringing them swimming. They sink in the water. We're gonna throw these in the pool. Come on! Yes, you have to come on, and guess what? Our dad's coming, too! Daddy! Yes, his swimming costume is incredible. We'll have a door. Daddy's swimming costume. We promised! Yes! And my sister will keep us entertained! She's so talented! Show them! Oh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! She's gonna go to the pool! Yes! Come on! She's gonna do that while we swim! It's crazy! The pool's this way! Come on! You have to go!
- 02:47
Heiress ghost ?
And that's where my treasure lies!
- 02:54
Tourist
Oh my God! I missed it again! The kids came back to glaze their dad's swimming costume?
- 03:02
Alan ?
why are you talking to kids weirdo get the rich lady back
- 03:07
Tourist
i'm trying miss hollins i wish to speak with you again wait wait i see something
- 03:14
Ghost dad ?
my hello my children children told me you wanted to see my swimming costume tom see it in water
- 03:25
Ghost boy ?
at the pool look isn't it amazing like that swimming costume look at it
- 03:31
Tourist ?
no you overhyped it so much
- 03:40
Ghost boy ?
come swimming with us come on
- 03:43
Heiress ghost ?
did you call for me
- 03:45
Ghost boy ?
no no no you can't talk he wants to come swimming come swimming with us
- 03:51
Heiress ghost ?
i don't know how to swim
- 03:52
Ghost boy ?
neither do we we'll figure it out come on You guys are swimming with us! Come swimming with us! Come swimming with us!
- 04:00
Pete ?
And?
- 04:01
Ghost boy ?
Yes!
- 04:02
Pete ?
And? What happened?
- 04:04
Tourist
Well, everyone left to go swimming, but I think I know how they all died. I mean, they probably drowned because they said they didn't know how to swim.
- 04:14
Alan
Wait, wait, do you guys see that?
- 04:16
Pete ?
No. What do you see?
- 04:18
Alan
A woman radiating a white, blinding light. She's my pale ass wife.
- 04:27
Alan ?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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