Election Night

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors.

1. 00:01

   This is election night in America.

2. 00:04

   I can't believe after all this, it's gonna finally be over.

3. 00:08

   I don't know. We'll see.

4. 00:09

   Trump's already got lawyers to fight the results.

5. 00:11

   Okay, don't even joke about that, or I will leave.

6. 00:15

   Guys, we're about to have our first woman president.

7. 00:19

   Like, this is gonna be a historic night.

8. 00:21

   Yeah, yeah, it might be a historic night,

9. 00:24

   but just don't forget it's a big country.

10. 00:30

    My friend at the Huffington Post says she wins by five points.

11. 00:33

    Oh, I don't know. My friend at Slate says she'll win by three.

12. 00:36

    Oh, well, she'll definitely win the Electoral College, for sure.

13. 00:40

    But I guess there's, like, a nightmare scenario

14. 00:42

    where he wins the popular vote.

15. 00:45

    Really?

16. 00:46

    That's your nightmare scenario, huh?

17. 00:49

    Because of shifting demographics,

18. 00:51

    there might never be another Republican president

19. 00:54

    in this country.

20. 00:56

    Learn.

21. 00:58

    Wern, you ever been around this country before?

22. 01:02

    And we project Kentucky will go to Donald Trump.

23. 01:06

    Yeah, well, of course he won Kentucky.

24. 01:08

    I mean, that's where all the racists are.

25. 01:10

    All

26. 01:14

    All

27. 01:15

    of them are in Kentucky?

28. 01:16

    Oh, you know, she got Vermont.

29. 01:19

    Oh, snap!

30. 01:20

    Now,

31. 01:21

    Three electoral votes. Now,

32. 01:23

    that's a power grab.

33. 01:28

    Okay, this says Florida is too close to call.

34. 01:31

    Okay, no, no, it says too early to call.

35. 01:33

    There's only 1% in.

36. 01:35

    You know what? I'm gonna go ahead and call it.

37. 01:37

    Florida's going blue. To Latinos.

38. 01:39

    -...to Latinos.

39. 01:47

    Well, of course he's gonna win Ohio.

40. 01:48

    We knew that.

41. 01:49

    But if we can get Pennsylvania, Florida, and North Carolina,

42. 01:52

    we don't even need Ohio.

43. 01:53

    Yeah, and if the Indians have four more runs,

44. 01:56

    they would want a World Series, too, dude.

45. 01:59

    I'm gonna grab a Xanax from the bedroom.

46. 02:01

    Okay, well, you grab me six.

47. 02:02

    Yeah, I'm just gonna bring the whole bottle.

48. 02:03

    How's that?

49. 02:09

    Look, early returns are always gonna be Republican

50. 02:11

    because Republicans go to sleep early.

51. 02:13

    That's just a fact.

52. 02:14

    I just talked to my brother-in-law at CBS.

53. 02:16

    he says Trump's gonna win Florida.

54. 02:18

    -"Wer, uh, I guess that the Latinos

55. 02:20

    didn't hear about your toast."

56. 02:25

    Hey,

57. 02:26

    -"Hey, guys, what'd I miss?"

58. 02:28

    -"Actually

59. 02:37

    Oh my god, Larry, Trump might actually win.

60. 02:42

    win."

61. 02:43

    -"I mean, of course. What are you talking about?"

62. 02:47

    -"I tried to tell him that."

63. 02:48

    -"What is happening? Why are women even voting for him?"

64. 02:52

    -"Yeah, I don't get you ladies.

65. 02:54

    I mean, the country's 55% women.

66. 02:58

    I mean, if the country was 55% black,

67. 03:01

    we'd have tons of black presidents.

68. 03:03

    I mean, Flavor Flav would be president.

69. 03:07

    Okay,

70. 03:10

    Okay,

71. 03:11

    all she has to do is come back and win Wisconsin,

72. 03:14

    come back and win Michigan, come back and win Pennsylvania.

73. 03:16

    And some of the counties, the urban counties,

74. 03:19

    they're so... Black people vote layup.

75. 03:24

    Yeah, let's hope there's 100,000 of us in Green Bay.

76. 03:30

    Your brothers love to pack us.

77. 03:35

    You never know, guys.

78. 03:37

    You never know, guys. Alaska's still out there.

79. 03:39

    We're now calling Alaska for Donald Trump.

80. 03:44

    Oh, my God.

81. 03:45

    I think America is racist.

82. 03:48

    Oh, my God.

83. 03:53

    You know, I remember my great-grandfather

84. 03:55

    told me something like that.

85. 03:56

    He was, like, a slave or something, I don't know.

86. 03:59

    I just, I can't believe it.

87. 04:01

    Like, why aren't people turning out for Hillary

88. 04:03

    the way they did for Barack Obama?

89. 04:05

    I mean, maybe because you're replacing

90. 04:08

    a charismatic 40-year-old black guy

91. 04:10

    with a 70-year-old white woman.

92. 04:13

    I mean, that's like the Knicks replacing Patrick Ewan

93. 04:16

    with Neil Patrick Harris.

94. 04:22

    And Donald Trump has been elected

95. 04:24

    President of the United States.

96. 04:27

    Yeah, you guys were right.

97. 04:29

    It's a historic night.

98. 04:30

    Don't worry about it.

99. 04:32

    Eight years are gonna fly by.

100. 04:34

     Yeah, don't worry.

101. 04:35

     It's gonna be all white.

102. 04:39

     What about undocumented immigrants?

103. 04:42

     Oh, they're not going nowhere.

104. 04:43

     Come on, man, you act like everybody's trying

105. 04:45

     to pick their own strawberries.

106. 04:47

     It's

107. 04:52

     this is this is

108. 04:54

     crazy. I mean, do you even know

109. 04:56

     what it's like to be a woman in this country

110. 04:58

     where you can't get ahead no matter what you do?

111. 05:02

     God, jeez. I don't know.

112. 05:03

     Let me put my thinking cap on on that one.

113. 05:05

     I'll get back to you.

114. 05:07

     Oh, come on, guys. Get some rest.

115. 05:10

     You got a lot of big day.

116. 05:11

     You got a big day of moping and writing on Facebook tomorrow.

117. 05:15

     God, this is the most shameful thing America has ever done.

118. 05:18

     Come on.