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Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on The Walking Dead Season Finale
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Colin Jost invites resident young person Pete Davidson to the Weekend Update desk for a spoiler-free take on The Walking Dead's season-five finale, but Pete admits the show has him rattled: he smokes a lot of weed and is certain he will be high when the zombie apocalypse arrives. He pictures himself taking hours to notice that the elderly neighbor pawing at him is undead, drifting off into thoughts about candy, and then staggering into a survivors' camp where his bloodshot eyes, sluggish manner and shuffling walk will get him shot on sight. Jost suggests he could simply quit smoking pot and wonders aloud whether Pete got high before coming out. Just as Jost assures him nobody would ever confuse him with a zombie, Norman Reedus strides in as Daryl Dixon and puts a crossbow bolt in Pete's chest, defending the shot by pointing at Pete's pallor and confusion. Learning he has hit an ordinary person, Daryl tells Pete to walk it off; Pete, feeling no pain at all, recognizes him from The Boondock Saints, and the two head off together in search of Pete's weed.
The funny people
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Say it with us
Highly quotable.
The zombie apocalypse is coming, and odds are I'm gonna be stoned when it happens.
My eyes are glazed and bloodshot, I'm sluggish, I'm hunched over and shuffling because that's how I walk normally.
There is an arrow in my chest, and I feel no pain, because this weed is fine.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Norman Reedus appears in character as Daryl Dixon, the week after The Walking Dead aired its fifth-season finale.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Weekend Update anchor
Over 15 million people tuned in to the hit zombie drama The Walking Dead this past Sunday. Here to give us a spoiler-free recap of that big season five finale is our own resident young person, Pete Davidson.
- 00:14
Resident Young Person
how's it going
- 00:17
Weekend Update anchor
How's it going, Pete? So now, what did you think of this big Walking Dead finale?
- 00:21
Resident Young Person
It scared me, Colin. It scared me bad. I'm kind of like freaking out right now.
- 00:26
Weekend Update anchor
You are? Well, just take it easy. I mean, it's just a show.
- 00:29
Resident Young Person
Is it? Or is it a glimpse into our near future? You see, I don't know if you know this, but sometimes I smoke a little weed.
- 00:37
Weekend Update anchor
Oh, yeah, yeah, we know, because we have noses.
- 00:40
Resident Young Person
Oh, then you see my problem. The zombie apocalypse is coming, and odds are I'm gonna be stoned when it happens. Especially if it happens during the hours of daytime or nighttime. So this is not gonna go well. First off, it will probably take me hours for me to even notice what's going on. I'll be like wow miss Carmichael from downstairs can't keep her hands off me today but hold up isn't she like 88 and hold up didn't she like used to have a jaw and hey remember jawbreakers I love that candy candy sugary sweet
- 01:24
Weekend Update anchor
I'm sorry and then what happens
- 01:29
Resident Young Person
I don't know that's the problem I'll probably you know be wandering out you know in search of candy and I'll stagger into like some survivor's camp and then they're gonna shoot me, Colin.
- 01:39
Weekend Update anchor
No, they're not gonna shoot you.
- 01:41
Resident Young Person
When I'm high, it's really easy to mistake me for a zombie, you know? My eyes are glazed and bloodshot, I'm sluggish, I'm hunched over and shuffling because that's how I walk normally.
- 01:53
Weekend Update anchor
Well, you know, Pete, you know, if you're that worried about it, you know, you could always just stop smoking pot.
- 02:01
Resident Young Person
I came to you for help, Colin. All right, there's a zombie apocalypse going on. You're being a real ass.
- 02:09
Weekend Update anchor
well I think you're being kind of paranoid and honestly I have to ask did you smoke a little before you came out here is that what happened
- 02:14
Resident Young Person
maybe
- 02:17
Weekend Update anchor
are you wearing three different kinds of hair product
- 02:20
Resident Young Person
maybe Maybe.
- 02:25
Weekend Update anchor
listen there's nothing to worry about Pete okay I'm sure you would never be mistaken for a zombie
- 02:30
Resident Young Person
really
- 02:31
Weekend Update anchor
yeah absolutely man I'm positive
- 02:33
Resident Young Person
cuz I'm like really worried about it I hope nothing like
- 02:35
Weekend Update anchor
absolutely I think you're totally in the clear
- 02:37
Resident Young Person
no Ouch!
- 02:42
he's
- 02:48
Daryl Dixon
You got to be careful, boy. He was about to go through your throat.
- 02:51
Weekend Update anchor
No, no, no. No, Daryl Dixon. He's not a zombie.
- 02:54
Daryl Dixon
Really?
- 02:55
Weekend Update anchor
Yeah.
- 02:57
Daryl Dixon
What about this complexion? Ain't no living thing's got that color. And he's so slow moving and confused.
- 03:06
Resident Young Person
It's just good weed, man.
- 03:10
Daryl Dixon
So wait a minute. You're telling me I just shot an ordinary person?
- 03:13
Weekend Update anchor
Yeah.
- 03:15
Daryl Dixon
Huh. What about that dude in the elevator?
- 03:19
Climb the elevator.
- 03:20
Daryl Dixon
Never mind.
- 03:21
Resident Young Person
I'd like to just point out that there is an arrow in my chest, and I feel no pain, because this weed is fine.
- 03:31
Daryl Dixon
You're gonna be fine, buddy. Come on, walk it off.
- 03:33
Resident Young Person
Hey, you're the dude from the Boondock Saints!
- 03:35
Daryl Dixon
And you're the dude that's gonna show me where that weed is.
- 03:37
Resident Young Person
Hell, yeah!
- 03:38
Weekend Update anchor
Pete Johnson and Norman Reedus, everyone.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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