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Cut for Time: Santa Traps
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
From the armchair of his log cabin, Michael Braslow, author of two improbably titled books, unveils his newest product: Santa Traps, which are exactly like bear traps except that they are meant for Santa. He demonstrates how to bait one with a whole raw salmon and daydreams about Santa burgers, but each time a trap snaps shut it has caught yet another bear. His wife then joins him for a testimonial and calmly explains that a hockey puck to the head years ago left him prone to rages and paranoia, that their yard is now covered in traps, and that she sometimes hopes he really does catch Santa so life can return to normal as he keeps whispering at her to plug the product. After urging viewers to place their orders from a public library computer, Braslow celebrates another catch that turns out to be a bear, and the pitch ends with him wrestling a pair of bears outside the cabin window while a jingle chants the product name.
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Say it with us
Highly quotable.
They're just like bear traps. The only difference is they catch Santas, not bears.
Dang it! A bear. That keeps happening.
Before you know it, you'll be eating Santa meat for months.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Cut for time from the December 13, 2014 episode hosted by Martin Freeman; NBC posted it online the following day.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Michael Braslow
Hello, I'm Michael Braslow. You may know me as the author of How to Speak Mexican and The 4-Hour Orgasm. But today, I'd like to talk to you about a whole new product. This will change your life. Santa Traps. Are you sick and tired of Santa? Well, now you can catch him with Michael Braslow's Santa Traps. Whether you hate Santa or just want his gold, you can appreciate the easy-to-use application of Michael Braslow's Santa Traps. They're just like bear traps. The only difference is they catch Santas, not bears. Dang it! A bear. That keeps happening. How the traps work? Simple. Pull the clamper wide open and place a whole live salmon on it. Then lay back, close your eyes, and dream of Santa burgers. Just ask my wife.
- 00:57
Wife
Five years ago, my husband Michael was hit in the head by a hockey puck shot full blast by Gordie Howe.
- 01:03
Michael Braslow
Mention the traps.
- 01:04
Wife
Ever since then, he's been prone to bouts of violent rage and extreme paranoia. The doctors say he's getting better, but look at our yard. It's covered in bear traps.
- 01:13
Michael Braslow
You're doing great, honey.
- 01:14
Wife
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
- 01:16
Michael Braslow
Mention the traps.
- 01:16
Wife
Some days I pray that he does catch Santa, and then maybe everything will go back to normal. Listen to me. I sound as crazy as him.
- 01:24
Michael Braslow
I'll say.
- 01:25
Michael Braslow
So head on down to the library and log on to their computers and order Michael Braslow's Santa Traps. Before you know it, you'll be eating Santa meat for months. Got him! Dang it! Another frickin' bear.
- 01:39
Michael Braslow's Santa Traps. Santa Traps. Santa Traps. Santa Traps. Santa Traps. Santa Traps. Santa Traps. Santa Traps. Santa Traps. Santa Traps.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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