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Principal Frye: Fall Carnival
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
At Booker T. Washington High School's fall carnival, the vice principal thanks everyone for the money raised, to be split between the PTA and a dubious student-chosen charity, and hands the microphone to Principal Frye. Frye warns that students have stolen the whack-a-mole mallets to chase homeless people off the grounds and that someone is parading around in a cotton candy thong. First-year teacher Ms. Terry, dressed as a clown, cheerfully admits she failed most of the class on their midterms and heads off to the dunk tank, where a line is already forming. Frye returns with news of couples caught in the fun house, a secretary who fainted at the sight, and a possum posing as a churro vendor. A soaked Ms. Terry then berates the students for pelting her with everything from basketballs to a plugged-in printer and threatens to quit, prompting gym teacher Mr. Kane to shout them down on her behalf with a description of carnivals in his own neighborhood. Frye closes with warnings about a Red Bull-fuelled nurse shark in the apple-bobbing barrel and a dirty diaper in the ball pit.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 4
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I didn't know that three dogs in the back of an SUV could be considered a petting zoo.
Unfortunately, there are so many mirrors in there, I can't tell if it's two of y'all or a full-on orgy.
Now the shark is behaving very aggressively and seems eager to check things off his to-do list.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
SNL Archives counts this as the fifth appearance of Jay Pharoah's Principal Daniel Frye and Kenan Thompson's Steve Kane, and the fourth of Vanessa Bayer's vice principal.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Vice Principal ?
Thank you to everyone for making our Booker T. Washington High Fall Carnival such a success. We've raised over $400 to be split between the PTA and the winner of the Students' Choice Charity, Bail for Chris Brown. And now, here's Principal Fry.
- 00:20
Principal Frye ?
Teachers I'll take and students, it has come to my attention that several of y'all have stolen the whack-a-mole mallets and have taken it upon yourselves to chase homeless people off the property. Students, it's called whack-a-mole, not whack-a-bug. Also, one of y'all has taken off all your clothes and is currently parading around in a cotton candy thong. I hope that's cotton candy, otherwise you need to go see a d-d-d-d-d-doctor or something. Thank you, teachers and students.
- 00:55
Vice Principal ?
And here is the first year teacher who volunteered to be in the dunk tank, Miss Terry.
- 01:03
Ms. Terry ?
Hey, guys, what a great carnival. I didn't know that three dogs in the back of an SUV could be considered a petting zoo. Now, I know I failed most years in your midterms and I called your parents, but I really think it's gonna help you in the long run. So, let's have fun. I'm gonna be right over there in the dunk tank. I hope some of you will... Oh, look, there's already a line forming. I've been practicing my insults to inspire you. You're a stinky bottom! J.K., all right, see you over there.
- 01:34
Vice Principal ?
Thank you, Ms. Terry. And now, we would...
- 01:41
Principal Frye ?
Several of y'all been caught fornicating in the fun house. Unfortunately, there are so many mirrors in there, I can't tell if it's two of y'all or a full-on orgy. Our beloved school secretary, Ms. Janice, who lived through the 70s, was still shocked by that sort of display and fainted on sight. also there's a possum posing as a churros vendor so if you're looking for a snack i will suggest funnel cake thank you teachers and students
- 02:09
Vice Principal ?
thank you principal fry um i think miss terry wants to have a word with some of you
- 02:19
Ms. Terry ?
you animals you're only supposed to throw one ball at a time and you're supposed to throw I don't throw softballs, not basketballs, not Snapple bottles, not a frickin' plugged-in computer printer. Water use even turned on a hose on a black lady. Know your history, you little ass baskets. That water was disgusting. It's full of tadpoles and mosquito larva. I think it's the same water from last year. You know what? I'm going back to teaching Catholic school on the island.
- 02:50
Steve Kane ?
OH, MY GOD! HEY! STOP DOING STUFF! AND SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR HELL UP! THIS SAD, WET LITTLE CLOWN LADY IS UP HERE MAKING A FOOL OF HERSELF FOR YOU! FOR YOU! SOMEBODY TRICK THIS POOR LADY INTO VOLUNTEERING FOR THE DUNK TANK. FOR YOU! for you, maybe we should. MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, WHERE EVERYONE'S IDEA OF A CARNIVAL is a playground with a hundred black people standing around watching one person do pull-ups. And guess what? Somebody always gets stabbed. That sound nice? Huh? Well, then shut the hell up and play some whack-a-mole.
- 03:37
Principal Frye ?
Attention, teachers and students. Somebody has put a nurse shark in the apple-bobbing barrel. Students, these are normally docile animals, but one of you jive-time turkeys poured a can of Red Bull in there. Now the shark is behaving very aggressively and seems eager to check things off his to-do list. So let's please, please do not go bopping for apples if you value the lips on your face. Also, there's a dirty diaper in the ball pit. Somebody gonna catch hepatitis up in here.
- 04:08
Principal Frye ?
I swear to Lord. I took a pee in there. I took a pee in there.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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