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Greg's Funeral
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Funeral director Tom Jansen opens the memorial for Greg Pulino, who died in a suspicious boat explosion while owing money to everyone in the room, and asks the mourners to share happier memories. A thickly bearded great-uncle visiting from Mexico insists there was nothing mysterious about the death, but the speakers who follow unload instead: coworker Jim calls Greg a bigot who tore down missing-children posters, neighbour Helen saw him eat out of her dog's bowl, ex-wife Becky only wants directions to the grave so she can spit on it, his son suspects his father is still alive, and his mother calls the service the happiest day of her life. The uncle snaps back at each of them while spreading rumours about Greg's anatomy and his crystal meth habit. When the uncle asks whether this is a funeral or a gang-up session and Tom admits it is the latter, the uncle tears off his disguise to reveal he is Greg, alive and using again, and the mourners walk out while Tom tries to stop someone to collect a cheque.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 8
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
When he died, he owed everyone here a lot of money.
I can say with complete certainty that this is the greatest day of my life.
I'm back on the ice. So suck on that, you dumb babies.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Aired in the season 38 finale, the last episode as cast members for Jason Sudeikis and Tim Robinson, along with Fred Armisen and Bill Hader.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:02
Tom Jansen
Hello everyone, I'm Funeral Director Tom Jansen, and I'd like to welcome all of Greg's family and friends to this remembrance of Greg's life. We all know that Greg died under very sudden, very mysterious circumstances, and that when he died he owed everyone here a lot of money. But, you know, let's try to forget all that, okay? As we share some memories of Greg Polino. Alright, now our first speaker we have up is...
- 00:30
Greg Pulino
Ah, yes. Yes, hello. I am Greg Bolino's great uncle Bailey. I am from Mexico and that's where I live now. That is why maybe you have probably never heard of me. I would just like to say for the record that I did not find Greg's death mysterious in the least. A lot of boats have leaks in the fuel lines and they just explode you know the bodies are incinerated so there is nothing left to find and that is just science you know okay so I'm not Greg but I would love to hear some stories about Greg because I personally feel that Greg was one of the great spectacular amazing triumphs of a man great
- 01:21
Tom Jansen
Okay, great. thank you very much Greg's uncle all right well then our next Our next speaker will be Greg's coworker, Jim. Jim.
- 01:30
Jim ?
Oh. Yeah, so we all know that Greg was a bad guy, a not-so-behind-closed-door racist. He hated kids. I mean, he'd go around the neighborhood taking down missing children posters. Just a awful human being. as far as the positives go uh i don't know always heard he had a really wide penis it was insanely short but also really wide so i don't i don't know that's all i got
- 02:08
Tom Jansen ?
okay thank you very much
- 02:10
Greg Pulino ?
well that's a lot of information jim uh for the record it's funny because i hear the same rumor that greg had a very white penis but i also heard that it was actually quite long so it was good and be in both directions he had a big hog
- 02:29
Tom Jansen
his His uncle all right okay we we now have Greg's neighbor Helen
- 02:38
Helen
yeah yeah yeah I have a fun story about Greg he stole from my dog not from me from my dog I saw him take the food out of my dog's bowl okay who does that who does that
- 02:52
Greg Pulino
maybe someone who has been abandoned by society maybe someone have you thought of this that needed protein because they could not afford human food do you ever think of that before you start spewing your head you stinky witch
- 03:09
Tom Jansen
thank you greg's uncle let's uh let's you know what let's all all try to relax okay now now i heard that greg's family is here as well so So maybe we can start with, oh boy, his ex-wife, Becky.
- 03:22
Greg Pulino
Before Becky come up, I just want to say, we all know Greg has a problem with crystal meth. You know he love the ice. Got pretty tweaked out there for a while. But I'm sure that his ex-wife Becky forgive him. You know, I'm sure she regrets a lot of the things that she did would probably drop him to use the ice in the first place. Isn't that right, Becky?
- 03:52
Becky
Yeah, I regret nothing. I came only, came here only to find out where the burial is taking place so I can go directly to his grave and begin spitting. Thank you.
- 04:01
Tom Jansen ?
All right, okay.
- 04:02
Becky ?
Oh, and it wasn't that wide.
- 04:04
Tom Jansen
All right, enough. We can leave that image alone now, okay? All right, so we're moving on here. All right, up next,
- 04:09
Greg's Son
I just, I don't think my dad's even really dead.
- 04:12
Greg Pulino ?
Oh, no, he is definitely dead.
- 04:14
Greg's Son ?
No, no, I don't think so. They said his boat exploded? What? I mean, that's crazy, right? It was a sailboat.
- 04:24
Greg Pulino
Look, son of Greg, I am sorry for your loss, but I am telling you, Holmes, your father is very much dead.
- 04:33
Greg's Son
No, when I call his cell phone, he picks up and says, oops.
- 04:37
Greg Pulino ?
Okay, I think we have heard enough. Oh, Greg, here we go.
- 04:41
Greg's Mother
My son Greg is gone, and I've heard that the saddest thing a parent can do is bury their child well I can say with complete certainty that this is the greatest day of my life
- 04:54
Greg Pulino
well you raised me mom so what does that say about you it's what I'm sure that Greg is thinking right now open heaven with the angels who love him okay look Look, people, what is going on here? A man has died? I mean, this is a funeral, or is it just a gang obsession?
- 05:17
Tom Jansen ?
Oh, no, it's actually a gang obsession.
- 05:22
Greg Pulino
Oh, it is, really? Then I have a little surprise of my own. I am Greg.
- 05:32
Tom Jansen ?
Say Say what?
- 05:36
Greg Pulino
That's right, it's me. And guess what? I'm back on the ice. So suck on that, you dumb babies.
- 05:43
Tom Jansen
All right, okay, all right, that's, okay. Okay, hey, good news, Greg's alive after all. Hip, hip, wait, okay, wait, hold on, hold on, guys. I need to grab a check from someone, all right? You can't just leave. Where's everybody going? Come on.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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