You're tuned to the good stuff
ESPN Classic: 1987 Ladies' World Cup of Curling
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
In a mock ESPN Classic rebroadcast of a 1987 women's curling tournament, Pete Twinkle and his co-commentator Greg Stink introduce rival captains from Team Finland and Team Paraguay from the Tacoma Dome. Pete keeps asking for expert insight, and Greg keeps answering literally, plucking scores from thin air and mistaking a question about getting in the zone for a hygiene tip. Between cursory glances at the ice, the pair stop to read hard-sell ads for the sponsor, an antifungal cream, whose slogans get cruder each time. By the end neither man understands the rules, and each break returns to another jingle.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 8
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Well, you put me on the spot, I did not know what to say, so I looked down at my hand, I saw five fingers, and I went for it.
I have tiny, tiny feet. I mean, my toes are literally the size of little pieces of rice.
Greg, do you know what the word literally means?
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Pete Twinkle
You're watching ESPN classic If you like your winter sports slow and complicated then you've come to the right place It's the gyna lotreman ladies world cup of curling and tonight's matchup is so hot The ice might melt first up team Finland led by captain Helga Birkenstock and the reigning world champions team Paraguay led by Maria Shakira Prince jr We're coming to you live from the Tacoma Dome. Good evening, I'm Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me providing great color commentary, the godfather of my two adopted girls, Greg Stink.
- 00:37
Greg Stink
Thanks, Pete, and a big hello to Lupe and Sheldon. I got some porcelain collector thimbles for you young ladies. I just got to glue them back together, and they're good to go.
- 00:46
Pete Twinkle
What a guy. We're best friends. Now, why don't we meet tonight's competitors? Up first, we've got Helga Birkenstock. now it looks like she's inspecting her teammates brushes very important thing to do Greg I gotta ask you what is the purpose of those brushes
- 01:04
Greg Stink
well I mean if you had to take a stab in the dark oh I'd probably kill someone
- 01:10
Pete Twinkle
no no no no Greg I wasn't saying to literally stab
- 01:14
Greg Stink
oh yeah okay
- 01:15
Pete Twinkle
you know what why don't we take a look now at team Paraguay Prince jr. really knows how to how to motivate her teammates. A true leader. Look at her just giving a pet talk. Greg, Greg, what do you think is being said right now?
- 01:28
Greg Stink
Well, you just said she was a true leader. Then you asked me that question and I am currently saying these words, so I guess these words.
- 01:34
Pete Twinkle
No, Greg. No, Greg, I wasn't asking you about what we were saying to each other.
- 01:38
Greg Stink
Oh, my answer makes no sense.
- 01:41
Pete Twinkle
Greg Stink, you gotta love this guy.
- 01:43
Greg Stink
That's nice of you to say.
- 01:45
Pete Twinkle
Hey, you also gotta love tonight's sponsor,
- 01:47
or Gynelotrimine Vaginal Cream. When you got something fungal deep down in your lady jungle. Guy in a Loterman vagina.
- 02:01
Gynelotrimine Vaginal Cream. Might
- 02:04
Greg Stink
be vaginal cream. I don't know which one it is.
- 02:08
Pete Twinkle
All right. It's regional, I guess. Anyway, Greg, as the ladies continue to warm up, what's the best way for them to get in the zone?
- 02:17
Greg Stink
Well, they probably want to find a private room maybe grab a handheld mirror drop down in a squatting
- 02:23
Pete Twinkle
No, buddy, that's my fault, you know, I wasn't talking about a zone where you could put a fine product like gynecology I meant more of a mental zone.
- 02:32
Greg Stink
Oh like a daydream. Yeah, sure buddy.
- 02:35
Pete Twinkle
All right, you know what? Let's go down the ice where it looks like Helga Birkenstock is about to slide the first stone Here she goes. Wow, look at this, look at this. Oh, and quite a shot! Unbelievable! Unbelievable! Look at that! Oh, a big kick. Oh, she loves God. She loves God.
- 02:53
Pete Twinkle
Greg, how many points do you think she gets for a shot like that?
- 02:55
Greg Stink
Oh, I don't know, five.
- 02:57
Pete Twinkle
Oop, okay. You just kind of pulled that number out of thin air, didn't you, buddy?
- 03:00
Greg Stink
Well, you put me on the spot I did not know what to say, so I looked down at my hand, I saw five fingers, and I went for it.
- 03:06
Pete Twinkle
I love it. I got you.
- 03:08
Greg Stink
Why is it so cold in here?
- 03:10
Pete Twinkle
Well, we're in an ice ring, buddy.
- 03:12
Greg Stink
Oh, that makes sense.
- 03:14
Pete Twinkle
Hey, you know what else makes sense? choosing Gyna-Lotriman from Bo Derek to Susan Lucci. It's the brand the stars use to clean their coochie.
- 03:27
Pete Twinkle
Gyna-Lotriman Vaginal Cream. Back to the action.
- 03:33
Pete Twinkle
All right, here they go. Look at this, the pair of planes known for their showmanship. And oh, what an amazing curl, knocking Team Finland right out of the house. Look at that, she is fired up. Bingo.
- 03:44
Greg Stink
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I have no idea what's happening.
- 03:48
Pete Twinkle
Wow. Neither do I, buddy. the rules of this game are baffling to me. You know, for once, I know what it feels like to be in your shoes.
- 03:54
Greg Stink
Oh, you'd never fit in my shoes. I have tiny, tiny feet. I mean, my toes are literally the size of little pieces of rice.
- 04:03
Pete Twinkle
Craig, do you know what the word literally means?
- 04:05
Greg Stink
Oh, busted.
- 04:08
Pete Twinkle
Hey, you know what's not busted? Gynelotrimine. Ain't nothin' finer than a yeast-free vagina. Gynelotrimine vaginal creme. when you hop up from the futon and all you left was a wet crouton hello guy in treatment vaginal cream we'll be right back
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from Saturday Night Live.
