Cut for Time: Thanksgivies

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:01
   

   Host

   And now it's time for the Thanksgiving Awards, honoring outstanding performers at Thanksgiving dinner. Thanksgiving is always memorable, but tonight we're honoring those individuals who go above and beyond to ensure the holiday is truly unforgettable. Our first category of the evening is Biggest Guilt Trip, and the nominees are Mom for Go Have Fun.

2. 00:28
   

   Mom

   No, you don't have to stay for dessert. Go have fun with your high school friends, okay? I'm just gonna take these pies that I made from scratch and throw them into the garbage can

3. 00:42
   

   Host

   Cousin Jenny for suddenly vegan.

4. 00:45
   

   Cousin Jenny

   Oh, no turkey for me. Thanks I just don't really enjoy eating animals that have been force-fed and tortured to death

5. 00:53

   But you enjoy it grandpa

6. 00:54
   

   Host

   and great-uncle Lester for no one visits me

7. 01:04
   

   Great-Uncle Lester

   No one visits me

8. 01:09
   

   Host

   and the winner is great-uncle Lester

9. 01:13
   

   Great-Uncle Lester ?

   me

10. 01:28
    

    Host

    Okay, our next category, Most Uncomfortable Grace. Our first nominee is Cameron for Teenage Grace.

11. 01:38
    

    Cameron

    Dear invisible man in the sky, you didn't provide any of this food for us, so I guess thank you, Costco. Oh, and magical wizard of the clouds, since you're real and everything, maybe you could find time in your busy schedule to get off your ass and do something about Darfur.

12. 01:58

    Cameron.

13. 01:59
    

    Cameron

    I listen to reggae now.

14. 02:06
    

    Host

    Aunt Florence with Littlest Angels.

15. 02:09
    

    Aunt Florence

    Grandma and Grandpa, and most of all, we're thankful for God's littlest angels, the unborn, whose right to life is just as precious as ours, which is why tonight we leave an extra tiny plate out just for them.

16. 02:25
    

    Host

    And Uncle Shimon with Here We Go Again.

17. 02:35
    

    Uncle Shimon

    We eat this great food, and we are together, and we are happy. But in Israel, we are fighting for our survival as a people.

18. 02:45

    No!

19. 02:46
    

    Uncle Shimon ?

    It is a shanda, too.

20. 02:56
    

    Host

    And the winner is Cameron for Teenage Grace.

21. 03:00
    

    Cameron ?

    Uh, yeah, I don't believe in any awards show.

22. 03:05
    

    Host

    All right, save it for Thanksgiving.

23. 03:07
    

    Cameron ?

    Free Mamiya!

24. 03:08
    

    Host

    Oh, easy. on to our next category biggest drunken revelation our first nominee uncle charles for you're old enough to hear this

25. 03:20
    

    Uncle Charles

    oh trevor you're almost 10 now you're old enough to hear this i was extremely unfaithful to your aunt kathy for five years cheated on her like crazy oh she was in the the hospital but I'm weak kiddo I'm weak oh god I'm weak

26. 03:42
    

    Host

    aunt Debra with red wine freestyle

27. 03:55
    

    Aunt Debra

    well your aunt Joanie can't have kids because she was born with both types of peepee parts

28. 04:01

    oh what what

29. 04:04
    

    Aunt Debra

    everyone knows that the doctors had to make a choice they said girl oh what do you care what you care she's not even your real aunt you're adopted come on you knew that right you knew that

30. 04:22

    no

31. 04:26
    

    Host

    and cousin lee with stating the obvious

32. 04:29
    

    Cousin Lee

    so you're probably all wondering why i haven't met a girlfriend to settle down with

33. 04:36

    the cousin gay

34. 04:37
    

    Cousin Lee ?

    yes

35. 04:40
    

    Host

    aunt zebra

36. 04:48
    

    Aunt Debra

    i don't know what the big deal is I want to thank my sister Maureen who uh at the eye job she had an eye job should have had it five years before Walter wouldn't have left her I also want to thank my dad even though we had that weird porno collection it was family has a family honestly oh it's ancient history grow up

37. 05:19
    

    Host

    all right all right there we go

38. 05:21
    

    Aunt Debra ?

    what what

39. 05:24
    

    Host

    finally it's time for this year's lifetime achievement award over the past 35 years no one has ruined more thanksgivings than grandpa phil his volcanic temper and narrow world view have touched so many lives the thanksgiving awards is proud to present the Lifetime Achievement Award to Grandpa Phil.

40. 05:53
    

    Grandpa Phil

    Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much this means to me. First off, I want to thank my daughter Julie and her black husband. You gave me so much ammo over the years. I also want to thank my sister for wearing that Dukakis button in 88. That set me off real good. Let's see, what else? The Korean War for giving me my anger. And, uh, oh, they're playing me off. All right, real quick. I want to thank the price of gas and my wife for letting the girls dress like little whores. Good night. Good night. God bless

41. 06:24
    

    Host

    Thanksgiving Awards will be right back with the award for most justified relapse stay tuned