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Census Taker vs. Old Lady
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
A government worker visits Lee Smith to complete a census form, expecting a few straightforward answers. Instead, names, ages and household membership become moving targets as the resident keeps redefining the questions. The increasingly baffled visitor finally gives up, leaving one last surprise waiting inside the apartment.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Oh, including me? Three.
There's really no way of knowing.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:03
Census Taker
Hello, ma'am. I am a census taker with the U.S. Census Bureau.
- 00:06
Lee Smith
Oh, terrific. Good for you. Bye.
- 00:09
Census Taker
Oh, no, wait. Sorry. Hang on. You never returned your 2010 census form, so if I could just ask you a few questions.
- 00:16
Lee Smith
Absolutely, dear. Will I need a calculator?
- 00:18
Census Taker
No, ma'am.
- 00:19
Lee Smith
Because I have one, but I took the batteries out to use them in a crotch massager.
- 00:25
Census Taker
Uh, no, you will not need a calculator. First question, how many people live at this residence?
- 00:31
Lee Smith
Uh, zero.
- 00:32
Census Taker
You don't live here?
- 00:33
Lee Smith
Oh, including me? Three.
- 00:38
Census Taker
Okay, well, I'm gonna put you down as the primary resident.
- 00:41
Lee Smith ?
Terrific.
- 00:42
Census Taker
Now, how would you describe your race or ethnic origin?
- 00:46
Lee Smith
Well, superior to Asians, but not as intelligent as blacks.
- 00:52
Census Taker
Whoops, okay. Let me clarify. Which of the following describes you? White, Asian, Hispanic, Pacific Islander?
- 01:02
Lee Smith
Oh, Pacific Islander. Let's try that. And don't skimp on the rum.
- 01:10
Census Taker
What is your last name, ma'am?
- 01:12
Lee Smith
Blarfengar.
- 01:14
Census Taker
Can you spell that for me?
- 01:16
Lee Smith
S-M-I-T-H.
- 01:20
Census Taker
And that's pronounced?
- 01:23
Lee Smith
Blarfengar.
- 01:25
Census Taker
Not Smith?
- 01:26
Lee Smith
They changed it at Ellis Island when I was there two weeks ago on a bingo cruise.
- 01:32
Census Taker
Okay, and your first name?
- 01:35
Lee Smith
Blarfengar.
- 01:36
Census Taker
And that's spelled?
- 01:38
Lee Smith
L-E-E.
- 01:40
Census Taker
So your name is Blarfengar Blarfengar spelled Lee Smith.
- 01:45
Lee Smith
Well back in school they had to call me Blarfengar B because there was another girl in the class named Lee Jarvis.
- 01:54
Census Taker
Okay, sure. Are there any people living in this residence part-time?
- 01:59
Lee Smith
Oh goodness, yes. Yes. There's Fluffy,
- 02:01
Census Taker ?
Princess, Tigger, Socks. Oh, and these are people we're talking about and not cats, right?
- 02:08
Lee Smith
There's really no way of knowing. Sometimes when I see their big eyes looking up from my lap, I think, that's definitely a homeless guy in a fur coat.
- 02:21
Census Taker
Honestly, Ms. Blarfengar, the government is just trying to ascertain...
- 02:24
Lee Smith
Ah, ascertain. That used to be my stripper name. I recently changed it to Blanfengard.
- 02:34
Census Taker
Okay, you know what? We're done.
- 02:35
Lee Smith
Oh, good. You have a good day, sir. Fluffy, get down from there.
- 02:43
Fluffy
Oh, I was chasing a mouse.
- 02:45
Lee Smith ?
Oh.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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