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2010 Public Employee of the Year Awards
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Broadcasting from an Atlantic City casino, host Desmond McCoy, a former Oakland bus driver now retired on full disability, opens the fifth annual Public Employee of the Year Awards by praising the job security, raises and pensions that come with government work. An announcer introduces the three finalists: Markeesha Odom, a St. Louis DMV worker twice voted Missouri's surliest state employee; Dennis Cosgrove, a Queens school custodian who logged a record year of overtime while living in Florida; and Anthony Scalise, a probate court clerk who also holds a no-show city job and collects full disability from his earlier sanitation job. Desmond's interviews celebrate an office that served no customers all day, a contract that frees custodians from cleaning, and Anthony's frank admission that his second job is a scam. In the talent round, Markeesha performs a dramatic monologue of obstructive DMV rules and Anthony recites a poem about refusing a supervisor's request, but Dennis is nowhere to be found because he is on a long break, and he wins the title anyway while lounging backstage.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 4
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Even by the standards of the DMV, that is outstanding.
That other job, the elevator inspector, that's a no-show job, okay?
Now that's what I call a union contract, man.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Speaker 1
Live from Harris Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey a night to honor America's government workers the 2010 Public Employee of the Year Award Here's your host Desmond McCoy
- 00:15
Desmond McCoy
Thank you Thank you Thank you and welcome to the fifth annual Public Employee of the Year Awards My name is Desmond McCoy and I'll be your host this evening as we recognize those men and women who love this country enough enough to work for its government at the city, county, state, and federal levels. In these times of anti-tax hysteria and threats of government budget cuts, it's important to remember that people with government jobs are just like workers everywhere, except for the lifetime job security, guaranteed annual raises, early retirement on generous pensions, and full medical coverage with no deductibles, office visit fees, or co-payments. I know this because I myself am a former public employee. I drove a bus for the city of Oakland, California until two years ago when I retired on full disability due to job-related stress, which left me unable to work and permanently paralyzed from the neck down. hey Hey, that was the ruling of the Workman's Comp Board. I mean, if you got a problem with that, talk to them. Actually, you know what? Don't even mention it. I mean, just let it go. I mean, what's it to you? Well, it's time to meet our three finalists. Johnny Douglas, tell us about them.
- 01:33
Speaker 1 ?
Meet Markeisha Odom. Markeisha works at the Department of Motor Vehicles in St. Louis. Only 24 years old, Markeisha has twice been named Missouri's surliest and least cooperative state employee. Nice work, Markeisha. Meet Dennis Cosgrove. Dennis is a school custodian at PS 113 in Queens, New York. In 2009, Dennis set a New York City record by racking up an astonishing 3,200 hours on the job all of it over time like many New York City School of Custodians Dennis is a year-round resident of Florida very nice very nice meet Anthony Scalise Anthony works as a clerk in the probate court of Mercer County New Jersey he's also an elevator inspector for the city of Trenton in addition Anthony is on 100% disability from his first job in the Trenton sanitation department where an accident at work left him with a crippling fear of cats.
- 02:35
Desmond McCoy
Very impressive. Very impressive. Quite a group. Now, before we get to the talent portion of the competition, let's get to know our finalists a little bit, shall we? Hello, Marquesha. Hello. Now, Marquesha, I heard something amazing about you. A few weeks ago, your DMV facility with 24 employees was able to get through an entire workday without helping a single customer. Is that true?
- 02:58
Markeesha Odom
Yes. Yes, it is, Desmond.
- 03:00
Desmond McCoy
Wow. Even by the standards of the DMV, that is outstanding.
- 03:05
Markeesha Odom
Well, it was a team effort, and we had some luck, so...
- 03:08
Desmond McCoy
Well, I wish you well tonight. Dennis! Dennis, now, you were telling me earlier, Dennis, about your union, the school custodians, and this new contract with the city. I was surprised to hear that under the new work rules, school custodians are no longer required to clean, care for, maintain, protect, or look after the schools.
- 03:31
Dennis Cosgrove ?
I know. Can you believe we got that? That was one successful negotiation. Ah, we are very happy with our new contract.
- 03:39
Desmond McCoy
Oh, good luck tonight. Anthony, I... Anthony, I see here that you're actually working two city jobs at the same time. Now, back in Oakland, they call that double dipping.
- 03:51
Anthony Scalise
All right, Desmond, let me just set the record straight. I put in a full week at the courthouse, 23 hours. Uh-huh. Okay, that other job, the elevator inspector, that's a no-show job, okay? So it's not what you think. It doesn't affect my work at the courthouse.
- 04:04
Desmond McCoy
So you don't actually inspect the elevators?
- 04:07
Anthony Scalise
No. No, that's just a scam.
- 04:09
Desmond McCoy
Good luck tonight.
- 04:10
Anthony Scalise
Thank you, Desmond.
- 04:11
Desmond McCoy
Now And the talent competition. First up is Markeisha Odom, who will perform an original dramatic monologue entitled, Welcome to the DMV.
- 04:25
Markeesha Odom
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Department of Motor Vehicles. If you are here to register an automobile or commercial vehicle or apply for a driver's license, you are at the wrong facility. The Department of Motor Vehicles maintains a list of the correct facilities with directions, but you must wait in line here to receive one. For those waiting in line, food and drinks are not permitted at the Department of Motor Vehicles. While waiting in line, visitors are not allowed to play music on a transistor radio, portable tape player, Walkman, or iPod, whether or not they have headphones. conversations between people waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles are strictly prohibited. In addition, customers waiting in line are not permitted to pass the time by daydreaming or fondly recalling happier moments from their lives. For those of you who aren't able to complete your business here today, this facility is open 9-4 Saturdays. But come early because we start closing up at 10-30. Thank you. Thank you.
- 05:30
Desmond McCoy
Thank Thank you, Markeisha. Alright, next we have Anthony Scalise, who will recite his poem, How Could You Do That?
- 05:39
Anthony Scalise
How could you do that? How could you do that? How could you ask me to retrieve files from the basement? How could you, supervisor, when you know that's not in the contract? When you know, supervisor, the union work rules say I only have to retrieve files from this floor. Or once a week, the annex. anything else is time and a half how could you do that I'm filing a grievance
- 06:09
Desmond McCoy
Wow Wow. goosebumps and now Dennis Cosgrove what happened to Dennis
- 06:21
Desmond McCoy ?
he on his break right now how long is the break I think he said 25 minutes
- 06:28
Desmond McCoy
damn now that's what I call a union contract man that's what I'm talking about Oh, hold on, hold on. The judges are signaling. We may have a winner. Do we have a winner? Yes, yes we do, we have a winner. Ladies and gentlemen, the 2010 Public Employee of the Year is Dennis Cosgrove. Congratulations, Congratulations, Dennis, you earned it. Well, that's it for tonight. From all of us here at Harris Casino, we'll see you next year.
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