Appalachian Emergency Room: Christmastime

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:02
   

   Amy Poehler

   And now, another episode of Appalachian Emergency Room, Christmastime. Percy and Netti Bo Dance.

2. 00:21
   

   Percy Bo Dance

   Well, Since it's Christmas Eve, we were doing like we always do, putting twinkle lights on all the wheelchairs in our backyard.

3. 00:29
   

   Netti Bo Dance

   Yeah, wheelchairs is better than lawn chairs, because they got wheels on them.

4. 00:34
   

   Percy Bo Dance

   I was drilling a hole in an electric outlet so I could fit a three-pronger in there, and don't you know I slipped on our baby pool?

5. 00:42
   

   Netti Bo Dance

   Poole. Yeah, our baby pool always freeze over around Christmas time.

6. 00:47
   

   Percy Bo Dance

   Turns out it wasn't the baby pool that was froze over, it was the satellite dish we keep down in that baby pool.

7. 00:53
   

   Netti Bo Dance

   You know, I keep telling our druggie son to take the satellite dish to his house, but he don't have a house. Well, that's none of their business.

8. 01:03
   

   Percy Bo Dance

   Anyway, long story long, I got electrocuted and I smell like burnt popcorn.

9. 01:08
   

   Amy Poehler

   Room two.

10. 01:12

    Druggie Son

    Hey, Ma, could you try Rice, Gourmet, Sun Rose, Prescription Pack.

11. 01:19
    

    Netti Bo Dance

    That's our druggie son. Yeah, he's our druggie son.

12. 01:22
    

    Percy Bo Dance

    And I tell you what, I'm gonna steal, I'm gonna steal one of them kidney-shaped spit-up dishes so I can put my Christmas nut in it.

13. 01:30
    

    Amy Poehler

    Otis Otis Peaks and Tiny Nations.

14. 01:35
    

    Tiny Nations

    All right now, how you doing? Here's this. My cousin and me right here, we was throwing jarts at each other because the ring you throw them into was stuck up on the roof. Yeah, here's this.

15. 01:45
    

    Otis Peaks

    I was ready to wait for the Jart, that was coming at me, and I wouldn't have outrun it, but I crashed in my ferret condo. I was bidding with my new wife's ex-husband.

16. 01:53
    

    Nerod

    Now, are you feeling any pain in your hand?

17. 01:56
    

    Otis Peaks

    No, this here is a prosthetic hand I carved out of some foam rubber.

18. 01:59
    

    Nerod

    Uh-huh.

19. 02:00
    

    Tiny Nations

    That's right, but here's this, all right, right up here. This is a real concern right up there. There's a jar.

20. 02:05
    

    Tiny Nations

    There's a jar up there, right there. There you are, right in this general area over here. That area, right there, right somewhere up there.

21. 02:10
    

    Nerod

    Yeah, that's room four. Room four, Oh, two, one.

22. 02:16
    

    Nerod

    Oh Tyler, you got me. Tyler, you got me a gift. Now, that is sweet of you.

23. 02:23
    

    Tyler

    It was sweet, and then... Hold on. Give me a second while I think this up.

24. 02:29
    

    Nerod

    You take your time, Tyler. Take your time.

25. 02:32
    

    Tyler

    Okay, I got it. I was wrestling this watermelon in the snow, and my wife was playing with a mousetrap on the front porch. George. Well, that trap went off and it startled me so much that my belt undid, my pants flew off and then I slipped groin forward onto this here watermelon.

26. 02:51
    

    Tyler

    You can have it if you can get it off.

27. 02:54
    

    Nerod

    Now, that's okay, Tyler. You go ahead and keep it. It's better to give than receive.

28. 02:58
    

    Tyler

    Well, that's good because I sure gave it to this watermelon.

29. 03:02
    

    Nerod

    It's inappropriate, Tyler. It's an inappropriate thing to say.

30. 03:07
    

    Amy Poehler

    Sandy Joey Juggerson.

31. 03:09
    

    Sandy Joey Juggerson

    Okay, everybody, listen Listen up. Here's the timeline as follows. We was doing a professional live nativity scene over by the lake's picnic area, and since no one showed up, the girl who was playing Mary and I found ourselves ingesting a lot of beers. Now I'm not gonna lie to ya, I was and I still am highly intoxicated.

32. 03:29
    

    Sandy Joey Juggerson

    Now you stay with me. Now what happens when you're doing a live nativity that no one shows up to? Correct. Turns into a farting contest. Test.

33. 03:38
    

    Sandy Joey Juggerson

    Good news, I won. Bad news, I think I pushed a good deal of my pootie pucker out on the winning rip. I'm your medical ball of clay. Mold me.

34. 03:53
    

    Amy Poehler

    Rude town.

35. 03:54
    

    Sandy Joey Juggerson

    Now, can you ensure that nobody steals that baby Jesus off the back of my bike? That there is a cabbage patch collectible.

36. 04:02
    

    Nerod

    Mr. Johnny Knoxville?

37. 04:04
    

    Johnny Knoxville

    Hill. Hey, how you doing, man? I got a little situation. I kind of on purpose nailed this two by four to my ABC.

38. 04:20
    

    Nerod

    What's an ABC?

39. 04:21
    

    Johnny Knoxville

    My ass ball connection. Anyway, that's two weeks ago and it's really starting to smart.

40. 04:27
    

    Nerod

    Okay, yeah. You want to go straight down to the ICU.

41. 04:29
    

    Johnny Knoxville

    Oh, I know where it is.

42. 04:30
    

    Nerod

    No.

43. 04:34
    

    Amy Poehler

    We'll be right back with more about watching movies at noon. Christmastime.